Wednesday 14 September 2011

New Skin

“Because they are so intimately connected with our basic desires for love and security, relationships quickly bring up our innermost feelings and for that reason they are extremely valuable, no matter whether the relationship is classified as good or bad.
It is necessary to remind ourselves that feelings are programs; that is, they are learned reactions that have a purpose and that purpose is directly related to achieving some end in the form of some effect on another person’s feelings and, by doing so, to manipulate their behaviour toward us and fulfil our own inner goals.
Let us look at the common emotional reactions and examine what their real purpose is. None of these to be described have anything to do with love, for love is a state of oneness with another. It is not an emotion that comes and goes. What passes for love in popular understanding is merely attachment, dependency and possessiveness.
As we shall see, all emotions toward others involve the basic belief that we are incomplete within ourselves and, therefore, others are exploited and viewed as means to an end. Although we may not be able to actually use the other person in the way we would like to, the utilization of the other person still occurs on the level of fantasy and expectation. We also discover that much of what we experience in a relationship is happening in our imagination only”    -- Happy Relationships excerpt




I totally understand lost and desperate feelings. The urge to cling to new relationships to fill in the holes left by the removal of the structure of an old relationship. I even ask myself if I'm doing this with my beloved and the answer is in part, yes. And I have this resolve within me to stand on my own feet. To really stand in my power, to turn over and prepare the ground that held the old structure for a totally new construction... or no construction at all.

I've been wanting to be ready to have a relationship with my beloved for so long, that I've tried to skip over the 'bad' part and get to the 'good' part. It now feels like the impatience has waned. I am more in touch with what is going on with me and actually wanting to feel the separation and divorce from my husband. To feel the absence and emptiness. I can feel the pull between hurry, just getting on with my life, and being where I am, present, letting go of All the unlove feelings I've been holding which leave me unavailable to start or be in a new relationship. Something is settling with the knowledge that if my beloved and I are going to be together, then we will, in the natural time of things. If we're not going to be together as a couple, then I've gained a wonderful and special friend and that too is a precious gift. Either way I feel blessed to have him in my life. He has been valuable in bringing up my innermost feelings.


Yesterday, old skin, that blistered at the field of love, came off. Underneath it new skin is there. It's slightly pink, and softer than the skin around it, and more sensitive. I forgot about the blisters on my pinky fingers. The pain and the memory of the pain left me weeks ago. So seeing the white dead skin ready to come off came as a surprise. This synchronizes with being notified that all my divorce paperwork is in the courts and the final stages are weeks away. With the revealing of new skin I see how tender it is and I see myself reflected in my skin. I posed the question, am I ready for a new relationship? I came to a yes answer in a previous blog... and now I feel different. I feel compassion for the soft, tender, sensitive, newness of myself in my life. I see where I'm letting go and where I'm afraid to let go. Where I'm grasping to fill the holes left by the ruins of my marriage.

I'm more aware of my attachments, dependency and possessiveness. I know I am capable of the love that is being in a state of oneness with another. I experienced this with my beloved this summer. The truth is since I've been home, that love slips into attachment and possessiveness. It started for me at tribal earth. So this tells me I am not ready.

I am ready to divorce from my marriage. I am ready to stand on my own and feel the aloneness that has terrified me since childhood. I am ready to love and support myself. I'd like to feel the space between relationships, as I know I will have a new, loving, romantic relationship one day. My impatience for 'getting to the good part' is replaced by accepting where I am and all that has happened. In fact this feels like the 'good part', even with the churning of emotions and fluctuating clarity. Through each wave of unknowing, I come out the other side more me and more present.

Today I saw a pattern. I spoke to three men all of whom: have (or had) romantic feelings for me, are fathers, are unavailable, and all want to be my good friend. (I do believe I am trying to tell myself something). So I looked at my relationship with my father whom I met when I was 22. A deep well of grief came up that felt like I would drown if I let it go. I dialled my guru and she helped me let it go, deeper and deeper grief poured out of me till I saw myself as a small child with an imagined father. A completely unavailable man, absent. I knew my father loved me, that must be true, but he was no where. I had no father figure who stayed around, the closest male to relate to was my older brother and he was unavailable too.

So I learned to relate to men by watching my mom. I learned to flirt and flaunt. I learned how to stir their sex to get their attention and get my needs met. Now I find this confusing. I don't want to stir my father's sex, I want to relate to him in a different way, but how? Solution! I found a father here. I've have a daughter/ father relationship with a man in this country, we met at the field of love last year. We speak on the phone and see each other every now and again. I'm starting to feel how I can relate to a man in a whole and healthy way. To feel attractive and beautiful without stirring sexual impulse. This separation between love and sex with men is where a deep confusion lies within me. With awareness and experience this heals. I am entirely grateful for my English dad.

My clarity is, I am experiencing what masculine paternal relating is. I also have a good guy friend who I have no sexual energy with me, so with him I am experiencing what masculine platonic relating is. (I have experienced this once before over a decade ago and he died.. the ultimate unavailable) With these experiences I can go back to the relationship with my beloved and the other men and be clear about relating to them. I am collecting the experiences I need to make boundaries that are appropriate with each of them and all men.

I am not available to the man I have called my beloved (or him to me). So it feels untrue to call him this. I am available to myself, right now. This is where my heart and energy is. With myself and with my children. I still have romantic feelings for him and love him, this stays the same. When I find within myself what I am seeking, (and he finds what he needs) then we will see what is there between us. Until then I will find another way to refer to him if I continue to include him my writing.

Tuesday 6 September 2011

See-saw of Duality

Public, private. Honest, lie. Love, obsession. Disapproving, approving. Uncontrollable, control. Survival, safety...... The line between opposites is where I sit, as an imagined marble rolling back and forth along the see-saw of duality. Discerning where I am, who I am, what is really going on with me, how I really feel.

I've noticed in my blog entries I'm consistently not sure if I want to be sharing with you, my reader, the personal experiences that I have always kept private. At this point I am choosing to share with you, to feel what is stirred in me by standing naked before you. It pushes me to be honest with myself, and see myself. If I don't tell anyone the secrets of my inner world after time I start lying to myself. Telling myself I didn't really feel this way or I lessen my experience, and no one knows. By bringing myself to the public eye I hold myself accountable and take responsibility for my life and my experience. The good and bad alike. I take responsibility and I ask myself “where in(side) did I create this?” 

Today has been a remarkable day: the rain stopped so I could walk where I needed to dry, there was a beautiful sunset, Orion and Lyra stopped being destructive and listened and went to bed on time with no arguing, Orion ate a large handful of rocket! I had a beautiful afternoon with my beloved and it was platonic and that felt good. I saw how much I wanted his approval and how I've been wanting to be with him (romantically) more than I've wanted my freedom (that is a self realized state of being). I saw how I've been disapproving of my children and protecting them with fear. I experienced how discernment and making a choice leads to positive action and immediate results. I released the disapproval and gave myself, my children and my beloved approval (but only right now that I realized I've been disapproving of him too). I see how when I disapprove of someone they push at me and feel angry or not sure or uncomfortable. 

Writing this blog has made and makes me feel uncomfortable. I read them and it's like “these are some of my deepest thoughts and feeling and fuck here they are for everyone to read!” So right now I'm going to discern about why I really write this blog and why I feel uncomfortable about it. I disapprove of myself for a lot of what I think, feel and do. I beat myself up calling myself strange and weird, too intense, and dramatic. I want you to give me feed back so I can feel justified in how I think, feel and what I do. Knowing that approval come from within I can let go of disapproving of myself and give myself approval. NEXT. I want to be honest with myself and not lie or hide any more, so I use this as a way to hold myself accountable (as I've said a couple paragraphs ago so it must be true) I'm trying to control myself by using the accountability of others. If I feel that out of control with myself then I'm giving my power away. Maybe that's why I feel tired. So, I can just be in control of myself, now. NEXT. I write this blog because I've always wanted to write a blog and have no idea what to write about and I love writing about myself. I rather like that. 

I think I will continue to write this blog, charting my growth for myself in a way that allows you to follow me if you choose. Especially, as I have received so many responses about how it has helped others who relate to my feelings and experience. I think I may tame it down a bit and keep some things sacred in my heart, by sharing them with the appropriate person(s). This is the last bit of discernment for right now:
I've been afraid to tell my truth to the people who I have written about in my entries. I've been afraid of their response. Of them taking their love away from me. The reality is I've been pushing them away in fear. Using fear to protect me and fear doesn't protect me or anyone. I've been using this forum as a way to grow in courageousness by writing my truth then asking them to read it (or them finding it). I can see this now. It seems today I've shifted and am now sharing with you my personal process. I stand in my power and take responsibility for my life, all that has gone right and wrong. I see how what has gone right and wrong have lead me to this empowered point and it all feels aligned and good. 

I see how self centric I am in my life and would like to continue to use this forum to be that fully. This way I can be more present to those I love and hear and support them better. I can hold myself accountable and let go of needing you, my wonderful readers. Lastly, I really like how it is becoming easier and easier to write a blog page. I get faster and clearer with each blog I write and I think this may be great practice for one day writing a book. Gosh, I love discernment and clarity. Even when it's not completely clear. This entry is like being under water and looking up to the surface, as you get closer to the surface you can see what's on top. When you're right under the surface things are clearly what they are and still a bit blurry.

Friday 2 September 2011

weary fleeting thoughts of this day.....


I spoke to a good friend today and she told me what her experience has been through out my marriage, the decline of my marriage and how I have been with this new man. Her words rang true in my ears. She said: 

When I got married it was a whirl wind, and my husband was really messed up and I wasn't too far off that myself. I got pregnant very quickly and proceeded to spend the next 5 years working really hard on the relationship or recovering from working really hard on the relationship. She saw how there was never any enjoying of the relationship. I was tired and I didn't want to work so hard any more and she watched as the marriage fell apart after the birth of my second child. What romantic love was there had been worked to death and transformed into a different type of love. When I met the man, who I wrote about in my last blog, I began to shift my focus from working on “the relationship” to myself. I found the path to my freedom and it synchronized with meeting this man. My friend remarked how she has heard about how we have enjoyed each other then gone apart, countless times. If I'd like to form a relationship with this man (and he with me) that I (we)would need to find a balance between enjoyment and working on the relationship.

The question for myself is 'Am I ready to work on another relationship?' or am I still enjoying just having me to focus on? I'm scared of the idea of the all consuming work I 'just' got out of. (it's been a year) I like spending time with me and my kids and my beloved.... do I really have to work at more!? That being said (I say with a worried brow), I like the way my beloved and I communicate. It's clear and we say really uncomfortable truths to each other, which is met with understanding and love. It seems to deepen our connection with each authentic exchange. So if this is how I 'work' on the relationship with him, my answer is yes (emphatically) I am ready to enjoy and work striking a balance inwardly and outwardly.

He stated to me in one of our conversations that a person he respects (quite a bit) said there should be a 2 year gap after ending a big relationship. I've got 1 year under the belt and I find myself contemplating moving into another. I really respect and value my beloved's perspective. When any of us spend time with someone we love and respect we pick up subtle nuances. Like Tim's shoulder wiggle.... the 5 rhythm's dance teacher who I spoke of in a blog wiggles his shoulder sometimes when he speaks... you can tell when people have been spending time with Tim when they start wiggling their shoulder. I'm like this with my beloved. I noticed myself two days ago doing this head slide thing that he does, so my body shows me how I feel and the importance of my loyalty to all of him.... So do I think I should wait another year before thinking about entering into a new relationship?

I need to move slowly. Little steps. I'd really like to continue to enjoy what is here with this man and I. I'd like to see him more, and see how this effects my life. If it feels good or bad. If I am more abundant or overwhelmed. I'd like to wade into the ocean of the relationship, step by step, till one day I am swimming. If it feels good to swim in the ocean of our relationship then we can build a boat together and sail these seas in our relating ship... now, first, I need to just feel the waters on my feet and legs. As I feel the waters moving up to my thighs, I like it and I feel the fear of the tide going out. I want control of the seas, I want to feel safe with the water lapping at my thighs knowing I can experience this as long as I choose. So I surrender. I surrender to the control and fear and let them wash away with the tides. There is no controlling the ocean (in spite of what conspiracy theorists say... at least not until one is self realized... and I'm not yet) So I surrender.