Pieces of Peace in the Dark

There is a change within me. Something subtle yet unmistakably different. An awareness of a change within me that is in line with, or preceding, a change that is happening outside of me. For months I have been aware of this process of saying goodbye to places and memories, that have not had closure for me from the last 5 years and beyond. Awareness of places within me where I have been hanging on to something... mostly pain. With this awareness comes a sense of peace. The lost feelings have a chance and space to be, which allows closure. Allows them to find their peace and place in the wholeness of my being.

With the adventure of life before me, I feel like I am ready to engage in it. Not from a place of angst, where I have to go, or do, because if I don't I'll die.... no. From a place of curiosity and a gentle knowing that life can be, and is, better than what I have created as of yet. Both fear and excitement flop around in me like clothes in a tumble dryer, and with breath both subside and courage is just there.

I started this blog, so I could be honest with myself by sharing my understanding of my inner world with others. With you. Hold myself accountable and take responsibility. What has happened has been so much greater. My fear of being me in the world is subsiding and I have found acceptance of myself being in this world. I judge myself less.

It feels like the end of this year and the beginning of next year have a theme of goodbyes. Divorce, moving to a different part of the UK, letting go of some friends.... And I understand that these goodbyes allow for new beginnings. A space to create bliss and peace, to move closer to other friends, meet new friends, grow my work, and allow relationships in all areas that are truly nourishing. So I'm stepping up to the mourning of what has passed and what is passing, giving thanks for all.  I'm curious about what is to come and totally unsure about exactly how it will look, or exactly who will be apart of my life. There are some knowns, and a whole lot more unknowns. That is the adventure of life and I'm ready to journey along it from a place of personal power and self knowing.

I have purged myself in the fire of pain and fear, and now I can grow a different way, with pleasure and love and lots and lots of breath. The impatience of getting to the finish line is waning, and anxiety of not knowing the future eases as I let go of feeling so out of control... those old childhood feelings. I see that I am in control as I pick up the remote control of life, and start using it. Uncomfortable in the unfamiliar-ness of this experience, I am shedding and growing in solid ways. Something that feels sustainable, held, safe. I am experiencing the world in new and enjoyable ways, where I feel more empowered than ever before... and without force.

I had always tried to push and force my way in the world... it never worked very well, as there was a lot of resistance. Now it's like, I can just be within myself and choose what is best for me and the world lines up to allow it to happen. There's no pushing or force needed. That's not to say I feel no push or force... I just now understand when I'm feeling that, there's old stuff to be released and that's not the direction I want to being moving in, it's something in me that is asking to be cleaned up or let go of.

The last couple dark months can be summed up by Lady Gaga.

“I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight

I'm gonna marry the dark
Gonna make love to this dark
I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I am a winner”

Within the Chrysalis

I am my work, my magnum opus. I work most hard and diligent on myself and am now allowing that hardness to soften, as I smooth the rough edges from all the chiselling, moulding and forming. Different tools are required for this stage and it turns out I have everything I need. It has been a painful and excruciatingly sad journey to where I am, which has been magnified in the last month. Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova has been a solid light to guild my way, her words brought me great understanding and awareness about what is happening to me right now, here is some of what she said:

“Open-mindedness vs inflexibility = expansion vs contraction... we need both! it's the Breath of Life... on some issues we have to explore and open more, on some - we need to hold our ground and be strong; the trick is to recognize in any given situation which one it is :)
The biggest obstacle to flexibility is our deep fear of loss of identity, on some level, attached to certain perception of the world. It is rarely about the actual subject in the particular story -

There is a quintessential difference between 'loneliness' and 'solitude'. Pain and sadness are the best teachers until we learn to grow through love and pleasure. Closing up is the best surviving strategy until we learn to enjoy life through opening and shifting of our own perception settings.- with shifted perception and open heart, we learn who we are and what we are made of; or get broken if we can't open. Options are many... and suffering is optional, too.”

I'd like to share with you my journey over the last month, mostly so I can digest the experience as I move into the next phase. Some of this I have already shared, though my words and the feeling that describes the experience are different. 

 

On the first day of my last period I sunk so low I could not get up, I didn't want to be here on earth. The next day my whole body broke out in hives as I moved deeper into the chasm of grief that has been at the centre of my life. I survived the chasm and release more and more of it every day. I have and am moving through these foundational wounds that have paralysed me through out my life.

Since the 'birth into being' training it seems all of the stuff I've not even known was there has and is coming up. My new favourite process is in the bath, something about being held in the water allows me to access gestational trauma and feelings, and screaming underwater is actually quite nice.......... The chaos within seems never ending, yet I have these moments where there is clarity and wisdom is coming out of my mouth. When it comes to healing work, no matter the chaos or emotional churning, a peace comes through me where clarity and wisdom pour out. There's a brief moment of, "hm, I'm ok" before the the floods of chaos pour over me again....... 

 

I'm so lonely here. I miss my 'birth into being' community, so much. I miss being one of many who is passionate about the work we do, the life we choose, and being a member of a community working toward something... instead of being the weird mum in a random village. With no family and my friends spread all over the UK and the world, winter has felt bleak. I had this unquantifiable desire to return home... not a place on earth, but that space beyond where we are together as a tribe. 

 

The sadness and the anger continue to come up and out and I am supporting myself. The man whom I've referred to in my previous blogs as my beloved, has been a source of strength, support, and light. Over the last year I have have wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, and not wanting to be in a committed relationship of any kind. I have been infatuated with him, both attracting and repulsing in my self-denied chaos. On my birthday I saw him as, not the person he is but, a body I projected my father/brother needs on. He held me and a space for me to be 'in my crazy'. I felt grateful for the friendship and glad the romantic feelings were gone. 

 

When I reached the climax of the negative feelings and the desire for death had me tight in her clutches, he was the only one who picked up the phone. When my body broke out in hives, he found me and held me and allowed me to scream and cry. When I felt broken he showed me a reflection of myself being able to support me. From that experience I found my strength and resolve, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” the little engine that could, began to puff within me as I started my journey up the internal mountain of Ptart (past trauma's acting as real threats). 

 

Then the infatuation returned, the voice saying things like “but he cares about you so much, he must love you, why doesn't he want to be me, maybe it will still happen when we sort ourself out...” to the horror of the rest of me, which looked at that voice with a shaking head and thought “here we go, again. Can you leave it alone? Not ruin something really good?” Then a me that was not these two monkey mind voices became aware of this internal dialogue and saw the infatuation I had been in denial of. Which silences the two bickering voices. Inspired I began to look at the infatuation and follow it like a trail. I saw how before this man, there was another and another and another.. I followed it back to the age of 5. With this new awareness the ability to separate the infatuation from the man became possible. It's not him...in fact I can't even seen him through the filter of my infatuation. Which is sad, because he truly is an amazing man.

I got in the bath ready to process the infatuation. I breathed myself into an altered state, floating in the the water, till the feeling emerged. Tears and terror, longing and fear as the first sobs pass my lips something new happened... pleasure. A wave of this wonderful sensation passed over my skin from my heart out. A pulse of pleasure. My eyes grew wide, in all the years of process work this sensation usually doesn't arrive till the end, if at all.... and there it was. Taking a deep breath I returned to the infatuation which I was still aware of, I followed it back to infant-hood as I longed for my father, another sob came out, a big long wailing sob. When it finished again this pleasure sensation waved through my body. So on and on I went like this I continued; sobbing, sighing and laughing. Till my head and shoulders began to twitch, then my feet and leg, so I exaggerated the shaking that was happening to my body. It felt seizure like, and I couldn't tell if I was doing it or if it was happening to me. There was no fear as I could sense this was my bodies way of resetting and integrating this new experience.

Maybe it's turning 30. Maybe it's choosing to do the apprenticeship training with Elena, followed closely by my 30^th birthday, signing final divorce papers, acknowledging I don't feel supported in my physical community and deciding to do something about it. Maybe it's Channukah and Christmas approaching and not knowing where I belong. Every aspect of my life feels churned up, unsure, in a state of gooey transformative chaos.... and some how what started very painfully and climaxed in ultimate fear and desire of death is transforming into pleasure, wisdom, gentleness and moments of great ease in my power and clarity.

Everything has come up for reappraisal. I'm growing closer to being able to step out from my inner chaos and self absorption, to really hear those who are closest to me. To really see the people I love most. Especially, those who have really been there and supported me through the worst of the darkness I descended into. It seems the people who I am closest to are the ones who it's hardest for me to be there for. This imbalance is self correcting. I am beginning to see in my mind's eye, myself and children living in a physical community where we are supported to thrive and are loved and respected as we love and respect and support our community. A place where my business is plentiful and abundant. Where I am finally available to being in a partnership with an amazing man, who is my equal.

I am stepping into the woman I am. The 'absurd' 'idealistic' view of a unified, sustainable, loving world is being strengthened and my resolve to create that in my life grows. I am ready to be the change I long to see in the world, to release the longing and allow myself and it all to just be.

Dream within a Dream

The title of this blog comes from a poem by Edgar Allen Poe, which asks “is all that we see or seem but a dream with in a dream?”

From the exploration of the unseen table, I fell down the rabbit whole of my wonderland. Where grief and anger twist and spin as silk lengths of fabric being spun by an aerial dancer.

This morning, it feels like things are falling down around me, breaking around me. Anger and grief present though not paralysingly like Friday, or maddening like Saturday, or confusing like Sunday. Yesterday I went to the grocery store with my two children and felt like I accomplished something. When carrying the bags into my house some bags ripped and a glass fell shattering on the ground and my kids were crying and yelling at me and demanding from me. Still, I made dinner, and sorted the rubbish and took out the bins for the garbage men in the morning. I began to wash the mounting dishes that collected from Friday's paralysis. I spoke to a friend, and in the conversation I was more myself. So for these small things I give myself praise. To have entered the rabbit whole of my darkest dread and found the ability to function. To still be alive feels like I have conquered Hades himself. Though, like in the story of Orpheus, I have not yet reach the topside and the urge to look back scratches beneath the surface of my skin. This may sound strange or illogical and it's not logical. It's emotional, it's physical, it's entirely pre-verbal. 

I still find myself wanting to distract and pull away from the abyss of pain, to cover it up again... and some greater part of me is not allowing this. The falseness is soon itched away by the threat to recover my body in hives or it is smashed away, by a falling holiday decoration or small external reminders to just stay present with these feelings. Contrary to positive thoughts create a positive reality, it seems by staying honest with myself and staying present with these long buried pain emotions and the past thoughts and patterns, I have the experience inside and the external things aren't needed.

Further, I thought I needed someone to go into the darkness with me or I'd get lost and die. Instead, alone I found myself there open in the deep pain that needed to come out and be acknowledged. I was able to feel it, experience it again and hold myself lovingly.

I have ventured into the darkness of my first heartbreak, which for me happen in the womb. Tied up with it was my second heartbreak and I have a niggling feeling my third heartbreak all which happened at a very young age. I have endured holding this pain inside me completely unaware it was there. Now I am typing about it in a relatively sane way and at very least able to string sentences together, which to be honest was a challenge a couple days ago. 

My hope is that I read back on this blog a year from now and appreciate how happy I am and just how far I've come with this body, in this life.

Lastly I'd like to share a dream with you that I had last night:

The Dream:

I was at the party of this famous spiritual, well renowned, amazing artist. At a point in the party he invited everyone to the hall to see his latest exhibition inspired by many in attendance. Most everyone rushed to the door and out into the hall. I could hear mummers and oo's and laughter. I stayed on the couch, I knew there was nothing about me out there, and there were so many people and I didn't really know any one or think anyone really liked me, or wanted me there. So I sat on the couch with my drink, in my pretty dress alone. The artist came in the room looking for something. He saw me and smiled, and walked straight over to me.

“Ah, there you are, darling.” He said and sat down next to me taking my free hand. “I've been looking for you, why are you not out in the hall with everyone else?” He asked.

“I thought I'd look after everyone else was done, there are so many people out there, it's very crowded.” I replied.

He looked at me and a warm smile spread across his face. “Come I want to show you something.” He took the glass from my hand and placed it on the table. He stood up and pulled me to my feet, wrapping my arm inside his arm and holding my arm tightly, he walked me into the hall.

There were paintings and sculptures and darkness and colour, it was almost too much to take in. People were entranced with the various pieces of art.

“This is my portrait collection, in this exhibition.” He announced.

I looked up and saw these pieces of art, people's faces delicately sculpted onto white eggshell coloured stone, painted and set into paper lined wood, where the body and background were drawn and water coloured. Then he stopped walked and turned

“I had never met you, see, so I didn't know how to draw you. You kept coming into my mind, but I had never met you. I've heard so much about you and I am so looking forward to seeing you in your process, how you work is intriguing and beautiful and I do look forward to see you more. So this is what came out about you.”

I looked up and saw this beautiful pearl white, gold swirled cream egg, about a foot long, set in black iridescent purple velvet within a green, spiral vine, flowered box. Below it said:

Egg of Being

Avi Esther

The card was hand written in black ink, on a cream coloured card. I stood there in shock, tears welled in my eyes. There was a piece here I inspired, and my name was in the title. I didn't even know this man, yet some how he knew and loved me.

“I have a place, here.” I said to him almost questioningly. “How?” I asked.

“I've heard so much about you,” He said “There's quite a buzz around these part, we're all interested in what you're doing, how you're doing it. And look, there's more.” He said spinning me and taking a step forward down the hall.

“ After I finished that piece, inspired by you, it was so beautiful I had to make more.” As I looked there was a whole row of eggs, beautiful iridescent multicoloured stone eggs, each unique and patterned in the most extraordinary fractal way.

“They are beautiful! How did you make the pattern on them?” I asked.

As he explained his process to me, it settled in that some how I had inspired not just a piece of art, but a whole collection. Having never met this man, what I was doing in my life, how I am being inspired such beauty. Such visual and craft genius. I felt touched, humbled and confused. Little me, who's always felt with out a place of belonging, felt included. Felt important, just for being me. Standing in my dream, in a hall of creations.