Within the Chrysalis

I am my work, my magnum opus. I work most hard and diligent on myself and am now allowing that hardness to soften, as I smooth the rough edges from all the chiselling, moulding and forming. Different tools are required for this stage and it turns out I have everything I need. It has been a painful and excruciatingly sad journey to where I am, which has been magnified in the last month. Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova has been a solid light to guild my way, her words brought me great understanding and awareness about what is happening to me right now, here is some of what she said:

“Open-mindedness vs inflexibility = expansion vs contraction... we need both! it's the Breath of Life... on some issues we have to explore and open more, on some - we need to hold our ground and be strong; the trick is to recognize in any given situation which one it is :)
The biggest obstacle to flexibility is our deep fear of loss of identity, on some level, attached to certain perception of the world. It is rarely about the actual subject in the particular story -

There is a quintessential difference between 'loneliness' and 'solitude'. Pain and sadness are the best teachers until we learn to grow through love and pleasure. Closing up is the best surviving strategy until we learn to enjoy life through opening and shifting of our own perception settings.- with shifted perception and open heart, we learn who we are and what we are made of; or get broken if we can't open. Options are many... and suffering is optional, too.”

I'd like to share with you my journey over the last month, mostly so I can digest the experience as I move into the next phase. Some of this I have already shared, though my words and the feeling that describes the experience are different. 

 

On the first day of my last period I sunk so low I could not get up, I didn't want to be here on earth. The next day my whole body broke out in hives as I moved deeper into the chasm of grief that has been at the centre of my life. I survived the chasm and release more and more of it every day. I have and am moving through these foundational wounds that have paralysed me through out my life.

Since the 'birth into being' training it seems all of the stuff I've not even known was there has and is coming up. My new favourite process is in the bath, something about being held in the water allows me to access gestational trauma and feelings, and screaming underwater is actually quite nice.......... The chaos within seems never ending, yet I have these moments where there is clarity and wisdom is coming out of my mouth. When it comes to healing work, no matter the chaos or emotional churning, a peace comes through me where clarity and wisdom pour out. There's a brief moment of, "hm, I'm ok" before the the floods of chaos pour over me again....... 

 

I'm so lonely here. I miss my 'birth into being' community, so much. I miss being one of many who is passionate about the work we do, the life we choose, and being a member of a community working toward something... instead of being the weird mum in a random village. With no family and my friends spread all over the UK and the world, winter has felt bleak. I had this unquantifiable desire to return home... not a place on earth, but that space beyond where we are together as a tribe. 

 

The sadness and the anger continue to come up and out and I am supporting myself. The man whom I've referred to in my previous blogs as my beloved, has been a source of strength, support, and light. Over the last year I have have wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, and not wanting to be in a committed relationship of any kind. I have been infatuated with him, both attracting and repulsing in my self-denied chaos. On my birthday I saw him as, not the person he is but, a body I projected my father/brother needs on. He held me and a space for me to be 'in my crazy'. I felt grateful for the friendship and glad the romantic feelings were gone. 

 

When I reached the climax of the negative feelings and the desire for death had me tight in her clutches, he was the only one who picked up the phone. When my body broke out in hives, he found me and held me and allowed me to scream and cry. When I felt broken he showed me a reflection of myself being able to support me. From that experience I found my strength and resolve, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” the little engine that could, began to puff within me as I started my journey up the internal mountain of Ptart (past trauma's acting as real threats). 

 

Then the infatuation returned, the voice saying things like “but he cares about you so much, he must love you, why doesn't he want to be me, maybe it will still happen when we sort ourself out...” to the horror of the rest of me, which looked at that voice with a shaking head and thought “here we go, again. Can you leave it alone? Not ruin something really good?” Then a me that was not these two monkey mind voices became aware of this internal dialogue and saw the infatuation I had been in denial of. Which silences the two bickering voices. Inspired I began to look at the infatuation and follow it like a trail. I saw how before this man, there was another and another and another.. I followed it back to the age of 5. With this new awareness the ability to separate the infatuation from the man became possible. It's not him...in fact I can't even seen him through the filter of my infatuation. Which is sad, because he truly is an amazing man.

I got in the bath ready to process the infatuation. I breathed myself into an altered state, floating in the the water, till the feeling emerged. Tears and terror, longing and fear as the first sobs pass my lips something new happened... pleasure. A wave of this wonderful sensation passed over my skin from my heart out. A pulse of pleasure. My eyes grew wide, in all the years of process work this sensation usually doesn't arrive till the end, if at all.... and there it was. Taking a deep breath I returned to the infatuation which I was still aware of, I followed it back to infant-hood as I longed for my father, another sob came out, a big long wailing sob. When it finished again this pleasure sensation waved through my body. So on and on I went like this I continued; sobbing, sighing and laughing. Till my head and shoulders began to twitch, then my feet and leg, so I exaggerated the shaking that was happening to my body. It felt seizure like, and I couldn't tell if I was doing it or if it was happening to me. There was no fear as I could sense this was my bodies way of resetting and integrating this new experience.

Maybe it's turning 30. Maybe it's choosing to do the apprenticeship training with Elena, followed closely by my 30^th birthday, signing final divorce papers, acknowledging I don't feel supported in my physical community and deciding to do something about it. Maybe it's Channukah and Christmas approaching and not knowing where I belong. Every aspect of my life feels churned up, unsure, in a state of gooey transformative chaos.... and some how what started very painfully and climaxed in ultimate fear and desire of death is transforming into pleasure, wisdom, gentleness and moments of great ease in my power and clarity.

Everything has come up for reappraisal. I'm growing closer to being able to step out from my inner chaos and self absorption, to really hear those who are closest to me. To really see the people I love most. Especially, those who have really been there and supported me through the worst of the darkness I descended into. It seems the people who I am closest to are the ones who it's hardest for me to be there for. This imbalance is self correcting. I am beginning to see in my mind's eye, myself and children living in a physical community where we are supported to thrive and are loved and respected as we love and respect and support our community. A place where my business is plentiful and abundant. Where I am finally available to being in a partnership with an amazing man, who is my equal.

I am stepping into the woman I am. The 'absurd' 'idealistic' view of a unified, sustainable, loving world is being strengthened and my resolve to create that in my life grows. I am ready to be the change I long to see in the world, to release the longing and allow myself and it all to just be.