Unknown knowing of love

I guess I needed the finish line of the absolute ending of my marriage to finally be able to honestly look at what is under the anger, the hurt, the sadness. Over the last year when I sat in peace and reflected on my marriage I felt acceptance with the coming finality of divorce.

Now, I sit in peace and reflection and I see how in the last year of separation I felt more supported by my husband than I did in our marriage. I am so grateful to be who I am, right now and he is a part of my journey. I keep thinking, if I had felt this freedom and support with our children in our marriage, would I not have felt so passionate about getting out? Feeling trapped and unsupported in being who I am and the loss of my passion for life, killed me inside. I felt resentful and that lead to rejection and the loss of intimate passion between us. We worked so hard on our marriage. I worked so hard to support him, to see him succeed. When I tried to do the same for myself, I felt undermined. I suppose in the end I just wanted to know beyond it all that he really loved me and what I found was empty words. I could see and feel the love he held, but I didn't see it in his actions and honestly after a life of being let down by the men in my life; it's the actions that I experience as more real than any words.

It seemed while married I couldn't make friends. I tried and it just didn't work which was strange for me as I've always been a person to make friends easily. I kept choosing him, over the new people I'd meet... until I didn't. Until I chose something different. It wasn't as simple as another man I chose to stay friends with, it was the inspiration I felt from the friendship, from the love. I chose the person I felt inside me that woke up and wanted to stay, wanted to grow. The person who felt crushed under the weight of our marriage. The surreal part in this portion of the story is this beloved friend's words didn't meet his actions either. He would not say he loved me, he would even reject me with his words. Yet his actions always showed me that he cared and loved me. His words would push me away and his actions would draw me in. I experienced him showing up for me when I needed him, and he continues to do so in our friendship.

In this whole part of the story, I now understand what I wish in a romantic relationship. For me, it is having a dear friend who's actions and words are congruent in their love and support of one other AND having an intimate, sexual and passionate relationship. It's this combination that is the stuff romance is made of. It's what inspires a man to play with the woman he loves, because seeing her face light up and watching her fill up with love makes his being soar. Knowing he must protect her by loving her with all of his resources; this is how I love and what I wish to see in the mirror of my beloved.

Over the weekend I lead a workshop that I magnificently held and I experienced the beginning mastery of a healing art. If I could have myself, the person I am, and my marriage I would. If I could have shed all the stuff that kept me from seeing and being the person I am, while married, I would have. However, it turned out that I couldn't and now the dead line is approaching and it seems like it's over. I wish to be consistent and not cause any further heartache or confusion so I write here to see if I can become completely clear about my choice. I don't know if I'm just afraid of not being married any more; of it being completely over.

I would like my words and actions to grow trust and communication between me and my almost-ex-husband. However, I think to myself, “It's too late, it's all too ruined now” and then I think “It's not over till it's over. It's not the end till it's the end.” I never wished to hurt him in any way, and I am deeply sorry that my actions did cause hurt. I can and am letting go of the guilt and shame that hurting him created in me, it does not serve any of us to carry this in my heart and body. I know what ever happens, I will grow from this experience and be even better for it now I have the ability to thrive, no matter what. I don't know if we could make it work. If what either of us wants is to be together in a marriage. I can see he loves me, and I love him and I sit here and I wonder is that enough.

Is love enough for a marriage to survive?

Do our visions of the future match up? Do our values align? It always felt like a constant compromise instead of a willing collaboration. Could that change? Or is what I'd like to do with my life and how I'd like to live it not compatible with what he'd like to do with his life and how he'd like to live it?

What I know: I love him. I love him and will always love him, nothing will change that. I care for him deeply and am grateful everyday that he came into my life and asked me to marry him. I have no idea what the future holds and I'm excited and curious to experience it unfold. I'm afraid to totally let go of his hand and I have to let go. Our separation and divorce is sad and life changing and freeing. A part of me loves the story that starts like ours and is salvaged just when all seems lost....... and I'm a sucker for a good 'romance' story.

See, I don't know if that's what all the parts of my being really want, because I don't know if he could really man up with me. I need a strong man by my side who can really be a man and love me like a man loves a woman. I know I push hard because that's how I know it's steady to walk there, that's how I know I can open up and let go.

After I wrote this, I listened. I listened to my breath, my heart, the wind and weather. I decided to take my children out for dinner. To have fun with them, enjoy ourselves and I listened. As I listened, they listened. I just allowed myself to be where I was and stay open. I wondered at it all. My best friend called and we spoke, I relayed to her my steadiness with all that is going on within me and whatever happens I feel accepting and at peace with the outcome. Still I wondered. At the end of the meal the manager gave me a discount coupon and asked if he would see us again. He said I could bring my partner and when I made a comment indicating I don't have a partner he said I could eat with him. Then as we were walking out the door a lover called. The manager followed us to the door, and said goodbye. As I got my children in the car I looked up and saw the moon, Venus and Jupiter all aligned. My intuition, my heart and my mind, all aligned. An understanding that it's all alright and everything is as it aught to be passed through me. Still in the face of not knowing, I feel calm and in my ease.

New Me Year

As the new lunar year approaches, Monday 23 January 2012, I am reflecting on the last year of my life, my marriage, separation, and the lovers I have chosen. I see the patterns, understand the reasons why I chose what I have. In my marriage I was stuck, I needed to be stuck. Before I may have moved fast, very fast and hard yet I was trapped like an animal in a cage. So through the slow, frustrating movement I experienced in my marriage, the compression of all that was keeping me trapped created a bomb of sorts. I reached a point where I had to do something, I had to break out of the cage I was stuck in. What I found was love. I fell 'in love' and this love ignited the constraints around me, burning a hole for me to pass through. I began to experience pleasure like I hadn't known in a very long time and equal amounts of pain.

I began to heal the scars around my sexuality and this opened up my whole life to being who I am, and finding the work I deeply feel I am on this earth to do. I love this man still, even if we're not meant to be together in a sexual loving partnership. This is also true about my ex-husband.

At the beginning of this calendar year I had a sexual experience and while making love my whole body became the cosmos. When I looked into my lover's eyes, light poured out of them and his whole body was bathed in light. I closed my eyes again and I was the vastness of all mater. My hands held the gravity of a black hole at the centre of my being and he and I spiralled around this power. I could have gone further into this experience, and yet I needed to stop. To integrate the experience. My orgasms surpassed my body and brought me up high into this experience. I think about attachment and non-attachment as I digest this experience I had with a man I am not attached to. I love him, but I do not wish to be in a partnership with him. The experience was healing, opening, ecstatic and I am grateful for it.

If it weren't for the birth into being work and moving through such darkness inside me, I don't know that I could have expanded my physical pleasure in such a huge way. As I integrate and reflect, I think about August 2011 the last time I had sex before training in the Birth into Being work. Where I felt my lovers energy surge through me as I surrendered to him. When I was trying so hard not to be in love with this man, to keep it casual because I knew that's what he wanted, how my heart hurt and soared at the same time. Now, with so much cleared, sex is very different. The emotional pain is gone. My skin has more sensations. There were moments where I could feel every pleasure cell on my skin. The only thing I can compare it to is being on the drug ecstasy, from what I remember of it in my youth. It's better though, no hang-over and complete clarity and the ability to use the experience to grow and create what I'd like in my life.

I have more clients in one month than I had in 4 months last year. My children and I are so much more harmonious at home and they have become more gentle and listen better. My son is growing and the healthiest he's been in a while. I am still aware of patterns I'd like to shift, and they feel smaller and easier. There is just less drama. It's funny, before the Birth into Being work I was afraid if I really changed I would loose myself. The amazing thing is I feel more myself than I ever have before. I'm still me, just a better version of me and I look forward to everything I am creating this year. 

I see myself in sessions; holding the space and powerfully intuitive and empathic. Watching amazing people come out of their cages and experience who they really are. I have moments of thinking “Wow, this is me.” and the love I feel for myself grows deeper. The deeper I love myself, the deeper I love others outside myself. Even those I don't really know and especially those I do know. It seems more and more clear to me, that I don't need to be with anyone to love them. I don't need to have a relationship with them. Even when I don't wish to be around someone, it doesn't mean I've stopped loving them. It's the opposite. I love them more because choosing to be apart is better for me and them. The same is true for those who I've grown closer to, I love them more because being in each other's company is what is better for me and them.

My biggest attachment are my children. It's hard to let them go, to be their own persons. Especially at such young ages. To allow them the space they need to be who they are, not who I think they should be. To trust them on their own paths. To really experience the fact , they came through me and are not mine.



For more information about the birth into being work please look at: http://www.birthintobeing.com/events-a-workshops   

Information about an upcoming birth into being workshop in Hackney, London can be found here:
http://peacefulbirthuk.blogspot.com/2012/01/birth-into-being.html?spref=bl
and
http://sacredpleasures.co.uk/birthintobeing/