New Me Year

As the new lunar year approaches, Monday 23 January 2012, I am reflecting on the last year of my life, my marriage, separation, and the lovers I have chosen. I see the patterns, understand the reasons why I chose what I have. In my marriage I was stuck, I needed to be stuck. Before I may have moved fast, very fast and hard yet I was trapped like an animal in a cage. So through the slow, frustrating movement I experienced in my marriage, the compression of all that was keeping me trapped created a bomb of sorts. I reached a point where I had to do something, I had to break out of the cage I was stuck in. What I found was love. I fell 'in love' and this love ignited the constraints around me, burning a hole for me to pass through. I began to experience pleasure like I hadn't known in a very long time and equal amounts of pain.

I began to heal the scars around my sexuality and this opened up my whole life to being who I am, and finding the work I deeply feel I am on this earth to do. I love this man still, even if we're not meant to be together in a sexual loving partnership. This is also true about my ex-husband.

At the beginning of this calendar year I had a sexual experience and while making love my whole body became the cosmos. When I looked into my lover's eyes, light poured out of them and his whole body was bathed in light. I closed my eyes again and I was the vastness of all mater. My hands held the gravity of a black hole at the centre of my being and he and I spiralled around this power. I could have gone further into this experience, and yet I needed to stop. To integrate the experience. My orgasms surpassed my body and brought me up high into this experience. I think about attachment and non-attachment as I digest this experience I had with a man I am not attached to. I love him, but I do not wish to be in a partnership with him. The experience was healing, opening, ecstatic and I am grateful for it.

If it weren't for the birth into being work and moving through such darkness inside me, I don't know that I could have expanded my physical pleasure in such a huge way. As I integrate and reflect, I think about August 2011 the last time I had sex before training in the Birth into Being work. Where I felt my lovers energy surge through me as I surrendered to him. When I was trying so hard not to be in love with this man, to keep it casual because I knew that's what he wanted, how my heart hurt and soared at the same time. Now, with so much cleared, sex is very different. The emotional pain is gone. My skin has more sensations. There were moments where I could feel every pleasure cell on my skin. The only thing I can compare it to is being on the drug ecstasy, from what I remember of it in my youth. It's better though, no hang-over and complete clarity and the ability to use the experience to grow and create what I'd like in my life.

I have more clients in one month than I had in 4 months last year. My children and I are so much more harmonious at home and they have become more gentle and listen better. My son is growing and the healthiest he's been in a while. I am still aware of patterns I'd like to shift, and they feel smaller and easier. There is just less drama. It's funny, before the Birth into Being work I was afraid if I really changed I would loose myself. The amazing thing is I feel more myself than I ever have before. I'm still me, just a better version of me and I look forward to everything I am creating this year. 

I see myself in sessions; holding the space and powerfully intuitive and empathic. Watching amazing people come out of their cages and experience who they really are. I have moments of thinking “Wow, this is me.” and the love I feel for myself grows deeper. The deeper I love myself, the deeper I love others outside myself. Even those I don't really know and especially those I do know. It seems more and more clear to me, that I don't need to be with anyone to love them. I don't need to have a relationship with them. Even when I don't wish to be around someone, it doesn't mean I've stopped loving them. It's the opposite. I love them more because choosing to be apart is better for me and them. The same is true for those who I've grown closer to, I love them more because being in each other's company is what is better for me and them.

My biggest attachment are my children. It's hard to let them go, to be their own persons. Especially at such young ages. To allow them the space they need to be who they are, not who I think they should be. To trust them on their own paths. To really experience the fact , they came through me and are not mine.



For more information about the birth into being work please look at: http://www.birthintobeing.com/events-a-workshops   

Information about an upcoming birth into being workshop in Hackney, London can be found here:
http://peacefulbirthuk.blogspot.com/2012/01/birth-into-being.html?spref=bl
and
http://sacredpleasures.co.uk/birthintobeing/