Dreamy Dance Part 3

From the perspective of being awake, I can see the dream had come to a close. However, while I was waking up I really wanted to stay in the dream. The perspective was I had just gotten to this new bit where I felt better and free and I wanted to explore. I can see now a whole cycle had completed and it was indeed time for me to wake up.

I really enjoy dreaming. There's a part of me that wishes I could dream all day, just stay asleep. Indeed that part felt a bit sad that I was awake and I felt the desire to return to sleep. Why do I like to dream so much? Why do I prefer dreams to life? Are the questions I asked myself as I wrote my dream down. Little did I know these questions were soon to be answered.

Off I went to 5 rhythms to dance myself into clarity. My thoughts full of my dreams over the past couple days. Mr. Dreamy, Romeo, Wasband (my ex-husband), Mr. Can-opener (another man I fell in love with a couple years ago),a potential someone new. My head was full, so I reached into my bag of tools and repeated over and over clearing statements. Clarity began to seep into my mind. When I got to the dance there was practically no parking, which is unusual... my mantra of clearing statements falling from my lips, the air around me feeling palpably magical.

I entered the dance and there at the entrance a friend who I haven't seen in months greeted me! We embraced and he told me he was there to meet our mutual friend Mr. Can-opener. My heart thumped excitedly in my chest. On the dance floor I stretched my neck, arms, torso, hips, legs. I love to dance as wildly and free as I can possibly be, so warming my muscles it a must in order to take care of my body. I love my body so dearly, it is capable of such amazing things.

As I stepped into my dance on the 5 rhythms floor, I saw Mr. Can-opener and smiled. My dance flowed to a corner of the room where a man, who bared such a likeness to Mr. Dreamy I had to look twice, danced and moved in a similar way to him. I was gob smacked by synchronisities of the evening and I had only been there a matter of minutes. As I moved and danced there was another man there who resembled one of the men I danced with in my dream. So I danced with all of the emotions of these men I love, which carried me over to a woman. We moved and danced and writhed with one another our dance becoming ecstatic and sensual, sexual even. When one of us moved away still we danced together across the large room.

Suddenly in a moment I had clarity. I didn't want to dance with Mr. Dreamy's, though I felt the tenderness and love. I enjoyed flirting with the dancer of my dream, yet didn't want to dance with him either. I tried to dance with Mr. Can-opener yet our connection wasn't synching, so I didn't really want to dance with him either. I looked around the room and realised I was free. Free to dance with whom ever I choose without the ghosts of past loves haunting me. Free from wondering about what could have been. Free!!!

I dropped deeper into the sexy sensual snake like dance with the woman, we dropped to the floor and writhed and spun and rolled, a mess of legs and arms and hair. I was free. Bliss coursed through me as though it were my blood. Air felt exquisite in my lungs. I saw my friend who greeted me at the door and became self-conscious as though I were dancing this way in front of my father, then it disappeared and came back like waves these feels washed over me and subsided till I saw clearly a pattern.

Every 10 years I have had an intense love affair with someone for a brief time, then we go very far away from one another (geographically) and the relationship stagnates. The first man was my father. The waves of self awareness of my dance disappeared completely and it was just me, my breath, and the dance. I grounded deeply down into stillness, one leg, then the other in a trance like state of beingness. 

I saw Mr. Can-opener, his body thin, his eyes sullen, his heart in such sorrow... I witnessed Mr. Can-opener. I placed my hand on his heart and felt compassion as though my body and being were but a vessel. We met in stillness. Our breath, our bodies, swaying to the music finding our rhythm once more as we have so many times before. Even when the music stopped we swayed on to our rhythm, in connection and love and comfort.

That evening when I returned home, Mr. Dreamy found me on skype. We chatted for the first time in months. It was lovely and more clarity appeared. I could see why I loved him and why I loved being with him and also why he is far away and I am here. I saw why my Wasband and I haven't been able to make a romantic relationship work. I saw myself, and what I truly and simply desire. Positivity, Love, Joy, Abundance. Only those who allow this to grow, who aid and nurture and support the me I enjoy being are the people who I choose to open my vulnerable, beautiful, giving heart to. This is my truth, discovered in the dance between dreams. 

Dreamy Dance Part 2

Meditating and pulling tricks out of my bag of healing tools, I pull myself up to a more neutral state. Better.

I accomplished quite a bit that day before going to hoop class, where I feel like a fairy goddess with incredible confidence and grace, control and skill. Then it dawned on me, “I wish I had as much confidence in my business as I do on aerial hoop” I blurted out in the class. They sort of stair at me and ask what I do. I told them and they sort of shrugged and said “cool” before returning their attention to their hoops. The dredge of judgment and feeling not good enough began to return.

That night I meditated before bed, grateful tomorrow was tuesday because that meant 5 rhythms and what ever was stuck would finally move.

Walking up to the sound of the garbage collectors, I abandoned my dream to run down stairs and put my bins out on the street for collection, just in time. Climbing back into my bed curled up with my macbook I began typing out my dream.

In my dream I was some where beautiful, set in nature. Green deciduous trees and hills and vibrant green grass. I was visiting a girlfriend's family in the mountains, upstate New York looking. It was such a lovely day the whole family decided to go to the park. We were having a wonderful time, then I saw a guy I fell in love with 10 years ago, who I will call Romeo, a face I haven't seen in dreams or other wise for years.

In my dream he was sitting in the sun with his shirt off talking to his friend. As I walked it sunk in who I just passed. I stopped and said his name, incredulously, out loud as I realised who he was. I turned and he looked up, we smiled and said hello. I was about to continue walking with my friend, when he said sarcastically “Oh, so you're just going to walk away? No love for an old friend? I see.” the combination of his emotions expressed through sarcasm and fear of rejection made me smile and I turned to my friend and she nodded that it was okay. She told me she was going back to the courts where her parents where.

Romeo and I took a walk. Up the trails talking, catching up, laughing. We had a closeness of old friends, as we walked. I invited him back to the house for a late lunch. When we arrived he knew the place but said nothing. I showed him around, and in the back garden he kissed me... I allowed him to. It was a sweet kiss, melted me a bit, I felt happy, innocent. We continued to walk to the other end of the garden when my friend asked me if I would go in and help her with something. Which I, of course, did.

After some time I wondered where Romeo had gone and I went back to the far door to the garden. I didn't see him at first, then I heard something and went outside to find my friend's father kissing, fully on making-out with this pink tube-top wearing, slutty, drugged out looking girl. I heard a noise from just inside, and found Romeo slumped on a closed toilet seat, trying to put his clothes on, looking really off his face. My friend came up behind me and saw this, “Oh, no! Tammy's here.” I looked at her “He's been making out with Tammy,” my friend explained to me “she's so doped up you get a high from her saliva.” My friend looked outside and saw her dad and exasperated when to intervene.

I was furious! I was angry about Romeo kissing another girl when he had just kissed me. And he kissed me!!! I was angry that my friend's dad then kissed the same girl when his wife was in the other room making us all lunch.

Romeo stumbled to his feet, “I should go” he said.

As he wobbled to the front door. My friend's mom came out of the kitchen. And started laughing. “Oh, Tammy again.” she snickered.

I lashed out, “It's not so funny, Walt is making-out with her now.” This made her laugh more and replied “She's a drug, not love, it's addiction. So what do I care, we've been together long enough I know where his heart is.” I was still angry in my dream as I went out the door after Romeo.

He was walking with a distinct wobble as he tried to find his car to drive back to the park. I didn't let him drive and walked with him back to the park. Just before the park was a swimming pool, and for some reason we had to walk through the swimming pool area to get to the park. We were naked as we walked along the side of this very, very large swimming pool. Romeo was walking better, though we still had to walk carefully as the floor was slippery. When we neared the end of the large room we had to pass through dressing rooms to get to the park.

Just before we reached the dressing rooms Romeo slipped and I caught him. I held him up on the slippery floor helping him to find his balance while guiding him to the entrance of the dressing room. Our naked skin touching was innocently intimate, not sexual. I was helping him stay standing, my arms wrapped around his waist from behind, using the weight of my body to hold him up. I was vulnerable yet felt sure footed even though the ground was slippery.

When we finally got in the dressing room, we were showered off by automated showers along a conveyer then into a drying room, then dressed in these futuristic playsuits. As we walked out of the dressing rooms into the park, my anger had gone. It was all okay and we both felt some how different. Better.

Then I heard the garbage truck and I awoke and ran down stairs and outside. 

Dreamy Dance Part 1

My dreams this week have been vivid and so guiding. It's like I become more myself as I integrate what needs to happen in my subconscious while I sleep. At first, I felt great emotional pain as I longed to feel the freedom and love I was receiving in my dream... I longed to just stay asleep. SO I tried that for a day. I kept taking naps, at first it worked and then nothing. No dreams. The rest of me decidedly disagreed with that tactic.

Let me tell you about this dream I so longingly wanted to return to.

A new friend and I were at a community meeting in hawaii or bali, where a man I fell in love with last year, let's call him Mr. Dreamy, and his partner were the heading it. It was great and positive and we all knew our place and our roll. After, I went up to him, hadn't seen him in such a long time and we connected as beautifully as we had before as if no time had passed, words were few.

As my friend and I were leaving to get some food and grow our friendship, I stopped and said I had to go back and just tell him I love him. She patiently waited and witnessed. As I walked back one of his friends came up to me, gave me a hug and we danced this beautiful sensual flowing dance together, it was bliss and I was totally present with him and swept away. Yet when the dance came to an end my heart still desired Mr. Dreamy.

I took more steps toward him and another man came up to me to say hello and gave me a hug and we danced beautifully more energetic and sexually charged. Again bliss to experience as I was totally present and everything melted away in the bliss of the dance. I loved how my head fit on their shoulders and how our bodies moved in synchronise rhythm and intuitive knowing of one another's bodies. Yet still, when the dance ended I walked toward Mr. Dreamy.

Though he may be taller and not a fluid dancer, my heart still brought me to him. We met again, our connection electric, gentle, beautiful I said hello, he said hello, told me I am a beautiful dancer... I told him I loved him and he smiled gently with relief and we kissed. The kiss turned the dream into a whirl of colours and bliss.

When I landed my friend and I were then walking down the street to a cafe, laughing, talking, planning something... bonding.

It was such a lovely dream, though I woke up and with such grief and longing to return to it. From this I understood how I am shedding grief and all that keeps me from receiving the love and light of the universe and earth. So I can create my dreams in physical reality. I am a work in progress as we all are. I have allowed the universe to fill me up in small moments, which grow bigger and bigger with every new experience I allow.

The magic continued into waking life as I decided to wake up and get a grip......