Dark Dreams Through a Restful Night.

Over the last 2 weeks I haven't slept very much, my days have been filled with festivals and gigs and beautiful connections with beautiful people. When dreams have come they have mostly been of spending time with a man I'm in love with, mundanely magical time spent with one another.

It started 3 nights ago, waking without memory or feeling from dreamtime. At first very dreamless deep sleep, long sleep, naps... as my body rested and caught up on rest from 2 weeks of playing and working hard with little rest.

After returning from Secret Garden Party there was something dark I felt within me. Shifts happening all around me. An ex-boyfriend's facebook request triggering long forgotten rage, from a time when all the things I identified myself with began to drop away, leaving me scared, confused and lost. A time when I accepted sex for love, and sacrificed my happiness out of compassion for others which lead ultimately to me marrying a man the day after meeting. Then of course a message comes in from my wasband requesting to create a ceremony to call all the beings who witness our beach marriage together to witness our dissolution. Owning the love we cary for one another and the pain of being in romantic relationship with one another. Finally accepting, it seems, us not working as a romantic couple. Old patterns clearly showing their faces in the orgasmless abyss of disembodied parts.

In process of releasing anger, letting go of resentment, letting go of dead dreams I felt the urge to withdraw from those I am currently close to. I felt it and communicated to them the space I was in internally. Met with love and understanding I stayed in connection with those I'm close to. I held myself in the anxiety, weirdness and desire to flee. Deepening my relationship with those I love.

So it is with this background in mind and heart I begin to dive into the dreams I experienced last night. So vivid and macabre. I had two distinct dreams. The first one I was on the inside of this entity that was beautiful and graceful and dark. She hunted people and magically killed them in poetic and gruesome ways. It was like play for this character watching the screams and blood splatter from those who's lives this creature claimed. It was unassuming, kind even in the company of others... yet always watching and waiting for the smallest mental/emotional co-manifested agreement to die from those she encountered, whose lives she wished to take.

Within this character, of my feminine dark side, there were those whom she really liked. Felt protective of, mostly women. So the recipients of death were mostly men. Men whom tried to hurt or take advantage of these girls and woman this character, I saw through, protected. She hunted them, feeding off their fear. She walked along at each murder, witnessing their darkness consume and kill them. She never lifted a blade or weapon, the way she murdered was to reach inside their minds and project outward their greatest fear. The more they feared the more real the projection, she walked in almost a dance, gracefully, eyes locked on her victims like an apparition, grey, dark and beautiful. I felt her compassion for the mothers and sisters who were left behind. Blessing them in a way, so the male of their future ancestors are protected from again incurring her wrath... protected from harming any women in her protection.

She was neutral with these murders. Neither enjoying it nor not enjoying the death stair. What she did enjoy was the breeze that blew her hair wildly around her face, and her soft dress in grey spirals around her body. She enjoyed the feel of her surroundings, the concrete under her feet, the brick wall, a tree, the water, etc. She enjoyed listening to the heartbeats in a room hearing them speak truths and lies. Yet, she had this task and keen sight of murdering those whom harmed the maidens she fiercely protected.

I suppose upon writing it out, this villainous monster seems less evil. The vividness of the murders hung to me with guilt through out the day, and now as I see these words and understand the aspect asking to be seen in my subconscious I get this part of myself. The part that has the job of protecting the innocent, vulnerable maidens. This innocent vulnerable maiden. And through this dream I believe it's time to re-employee her protective services in other, less destructive ways which brings her great joy and aliveness, which turn her greyness from death to creation.

For today a man who has been upsetting some love fairies I work with contacted me. With love I told him, his schizoid nature scares some of the love fairies and to please not contact us any more. This was met with anger and I replied again in love with firm boundaries and total communication and ownership of how I and other's I spoke to perceive him. It was not nice to hear, it was fair and loving and allowed us all to feel safe with clear boundaries. I felt this aspect within, fearless, keen sighted, yet loving in her ferocity of character. Strong, confident, caring. Without destroying or killing this predatory, manipulative man.

HMMMMM

Dream two:

In this dream I moved with my children to an American city suburb... somewhere on the east coast, suburbs of Cleveland keeps popping into my head. We lived in a townhouse. It was old and beautiful in a morose way. We began to settle in. Orion and Lyra went to this special school that taught magic along side state curriculum. As October came to us, a group of dark magicians came after Orion. They wanted his blood. There had been a string of deaths of students at the school, and I used my white magic to locate and channel who or what was behind these deaths. They felt me use this magic and I knew they were targeting Orion next. I begged my children to stay inside where they were protected with a forcefield spell. Yet they wouldn't listen. I saw one of the dark magic creature children stalk Lyra from across our backyard as she lovingly filled in a grave of one we had berried, yet as the creature went to attacker her it fell into her light field and and golden glitter with flowers stunned the child and Lyra went about her way not noticing her near capture.

Orion however did not have this sort of protective magic. He had a wooden sword, which he claimed would be metal when the day came he was strong enough to wield it. I worried for him. I yelled at them in the dream, ordering them back into the house. They were both confused yet they listened, they saw the worry on my face. I could feel the group growing closer. 

When inside I told them to stay inside, bad things were coming and they needed to stay inside, keep the doors closed. I went upstairs to retrieve magical bits. I heard a knock on the door, then I heard Orion go to answer the door. I flew down the stair to the sight of Orion standing in the doorway, door wide open with this gang of dark magic creature. The word STOP came shrieking out of me without thought. Orion jumped back into the living room, eyes fixed on me. I was in between him and the gang before the sound finished reverberating.

I asked flatly “What do you want with this household?”

they responded “You know what we want witch”

“You may not have my son, my blood flows in his veins, he is beyond your reach.”

“He has his father's blood too, dark and rich. It is the final key to the hell gate.”

“Be gone from my home and land. I declare this complete.”

A rush of wind and blurring colours came swirling in as they were pushed off the stoop of my house and onto the pavement. “Be gone!” I called again. Wind sweeping my hair wildly. I slamed the front door. I turned to Orion and held him close to me, his head in my chest. His eyes wild like mine. My heart beating so fast, with all I could do to protect him.

I see both death dreams were actually about protecting what I value. Both young and innocent aspects. Which correlates to the few interactions I've had with men of my past and recent predator.

So what I see is the anxiety I feel with the fear of not being able to protect the ones I love, including the innocent, vulnerable child within. Yet in both dreams I was more than powerful, I was the most powerful one in both dreams.

As I type this I feel heat through my body, especially my torso and abdomen. I feel my body reclaiming the anger held and turning it into power... into strength. Core strength. As both what is vulnerable and what is raw power sit within, this dichotomy feels strange yet empowering. And the need to sit with this continues.