Pieces of Peace in the Dark

There is a change within me. Something subtle yet unmistakably different. An awareness of a change within me that is in line with, or preceding, a change that is happening outside of me. For months I have been aware of this process of saying goodbye to places and memories, that have not had closure for me from the last 5 years and beyond. Awareness of places within me where I have been hanging on to something... mostly pain. With this awareness comes a sense of peace. The lost feelings have a chance and space to be, which allows closure. Allows them to find their peace and place in the wholeness of my being.

With the adventure of life before me, I feel like I am ready to engage in it. Not from a place of angst, where I have to go, or do, because if I don't I'll die.... no. From a place of curiosity and a gentle knowing that life can be, and is, better than what I have created as of yet. Both fear and excitement flop around in me like clothes in a tumble dryer, and with breath both subside and courage is just there.

I started this blog, so I could be honest with myself by sharing my understanding of my inner world with others. With you. Hold myself accountable and take responsibility. What has happened has been so much greater. My fear of being me in the world is subsiding and I have found acceptance of myself being in this world. I judge myself less.

It feels like the end of this year and the beginning of next year have a theme of goodbyes. Divorce, moving to a different part of the UK, letting go of some friends.... And I understand that these goodbyes allow for new beginnings. A space to create bliss and peace, to move closer to other friends, meet new friends, grow my work, and allow relationships in all areas that are truly nourishing. So I'm stepping up to the mourning of what has passed and what is passing, giving thanks for all.  I'm curious about what is to come and totally unsure about exactly how it will look, or exactly who will be apart of my life. There are some knowns, and a whole lot more unknowns. That is the adventure of life and I'm ready to journey along it from a place of personal power and self knowing.

I have purged myself in the fire of pain and fear, and now I can grow a different way, with pleasure and love and lots and lots of breath. The impatience of getting to the finish line is waning, and anxiety of not knowing the future eases as I let go of feeling so out of control... those old childhood feelings. I see that I am in control as I pick up the remote control of life, and start using it. Uncomfortable in the unfamiliar-ness of this experience, I am shedding and growing in solid ways. Something that feels sustainable, held, safe. I am experiencing the world in new and enjoyable ways, where I feel more empowered than ever before... and without force.

I had always tried to push and force my way in the world... it never worked very well, as there was a lot of resistance. Now it's like, I can just be within myself and choose what is best for me and the world lines up to allow it to happen. There's no pushing or force needed. That's not to say I feel no push or force... I just now understand when I'm feeling that, there's old stuff to be released and that's not the direction I want to being moving in, it's something in me that is asking to be cleaned up or let go of.

The last couple dark months can be summed up by Lady Gaga.

“I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight

I'm gonna marry the dark
Gonna make love to this dark
I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I am a winner”

Within the Chrysalis

I am my work, my magnum opus. I work most hard and diligent on myself and am now allowing that hardness to soften, as I smooth the rough edges from all the chiselling, moulding and forming. Different tools are required for this stage and it turns out I have everything I need. It has been a painful and excruciatingly sad journey to where I am, which has been magnified in the last month. Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova has been a solid light to guild my way, her words brought me great understanding and awareness about what is happening to me right now, here is some of what she said:

“Open-mindedness vs inflexibility = expansion vs contraction... we need both! it's the Breath of Life... on some issues we have to explore and open more, on some - we need to hold our ground and be strong; the trick is to recognize in any given situation which one it is :)
The biggest obstacle to flexibility is our deep fear of loss of identity, on some level, attached to certain perception of the world. It is rarely about the actual subject in the particular story -

There is a quintessential difference between 'loneliness' and 'solitude'. Pain and sadness are the best teachers until we learn to grow through love and pleasure. Closing up is the best surviving strategy until we learn to enjoy life through opening and shifting of our own perception settings.- with shifted perception and open heart, we learn who we are and what we are made of; or get broken if we can't open. Options are many... and suffering is optional, too.”

I'd like to share with you my journey over the last month, mostly so I can digest the experience as I move into the next phase. Some of this I have already shared, though my words and the feeling that describes the experience are different. 

 

On the first day of my last period I sunk so low I could not get up, I didn't want to be here on earth. The next day my whole body broke out in hives as I moved deeper into the chasm of grief that has been at the centre of my life. I survived the chasm and release more and more of it every day. I have and am moving through these foundational wounds that have paralysed me through out my life.

Since the 'birth into being' training it seems all of the stuff I've not even known was there has and is coming up. My new favourite process is in the bath, something about being held in the water allows me to access gestational trauma and feelings, and screaming underwater is actually quite nice.......... The chaos within seems never ending, yet I have these moments where there is clarity and wisdom is coming out of my mouth. When it comes to healing work, no matter the chaos or emotional churning, a peace comes through me where clarity and wisdom pour out. There's a brief moment of, "hm, I'm ok" before the the floods of chaos pour over me again....... 

 

I'm so lonely here. I miss my 'birth into being' community, so much. I miss being one of many who is passionate about the work we do, the life we choose, and being a member of a community working toward something... instead of being the weird mum in a random village. With no family and my friends spread all over the UK and the world, winter has felt bleak. I had this unquantifiable desire to return home... not a place on earth, but that space beyond where we are together as a tribe. 

 

The sadness and the anger continue to come up and out and I am supporting myself. The man whom I've referred to in my previous blogs as my beloved, has been a source of strength, support, and light. Over the last year I have have wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, and not wanting to be in a committed relationship of any kind. I have been infatuated with him, both attracting and repulsing in my self-denied chaos. On my birthday I saw him as, not the person he is but, a body I projected my father/brother needs on. He held me and a space for me to be 'in my crazy'. I felt grateful for the friendship and glad the romantic feelings were gone. 

 

When I reached the climax of the negative feelings and the desire for death had me tight in her clutches, he was the only one who picked up the phone. When my body broke out in hives, he found me and held me and allowed me to scream and cry. When I felt broken he showed me a reflection of myself being able to support me. From that experience I found my strength and resolve, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” the little engine that could, began to puff within me as I started my journey up the internal mountain of Ptart (past trauma's acting as real threats). 

 

Then the infatuation returned, the voice saying things like “but he cares about you so much, he must love you, why doesn't he want to be me, maybe it will still happen when we sort ourself out...” to the horror of the rest of me, which looked at that voice with a shaking head and thought “here we go, again. Can you leave it alone? Not ruin something really good?” Then a me that was not these two monkey mind voices became aware of this internal dialogue and saw the infatuation I had been in denial of. Which silences the two bickering voices. Inspired I began to look at the infatuation and follow it like a trail. I saw how before this man, there was another and another and another.. I followed it back to the age of 5. With this new awareness the ability to separate the infatuation from the man became possible. It's not him...in fact I can't even seen him through the filter of my infatuation. Which is sad, because he truly is an amazing man.

I got in the bath ready to process the infatuation. I breathed myself into an altered state, floating in the the water, till the feeling emerged. Tears and terror, longing and fear as the first sobs pass my lips something new happened... pleasure. A wave of this wonderful sensation passed over my skin from my heart out. A pulse of pleasure. My eyes grew wide, in all the years of process work this sensation usually doesn't arrive till the end, if at all.... and there it was. Taking a deep breath I returned to the infatuation which I was still aware of, I followed it back to infant-hood as I longed for my father, another sob came out, a big long wailing sob. When it finished again this pleasure sensation waved through my body. So on and on I went like this I continued; sobbing, sighing and laughing. Till my head and shoulders began to twitch, then my feet and leg, so I exaggerated the shaking that was happening to my body. It felt seizure like, and I couldn't tell if I was doing it or if it was happening to me. There was no fear as I could sense this was my bodies way of resetting and integrating this new experience.

Maybe it's turning 30. Maybe it's choosing to do the apprenticeship training with Elena, followed closely by my 30^th birthday, signing final divorce papers, acknowledging I don't feel supported in my physical community and deciding to do something about it. Maybe it's Channukah and Christmas approaching and not knowing where I belong. Every aspect of my life feels churned up, unsure, in a state of gooey transformative chaos.... and some how what started very painfully and climaxed in ultimate fear and desire of death is transforming into pleasure, wisdom, gentleness and moments of great ease in my power and clarity.

Everything has come up for reappraisal. I'm growing closer to being able to step out from my inner chaos and self absorption, to really hear those who are closest to me. To really see the people I love most. Especially, those who have really been there and supported me through the worst of the darkness I descended into. It seems the people who I am closest to are the ones who it's hardest for me to be there for. This imbalance is self correcting. I am beginning to see in my mind's eye, myself and children living in a physical community where we are supported to thrive and are loved and respected as we love and respect and support our community. A place where my business is plentiful and abundant. Where I am finally available to being in a partnership with an amazing man, who is my equal.

I am stepping into the woman I am. The 'absurd' 'idealistic' view of a unified, sustainable, loving world is being strengthened and my resolve to create that in my life grows. I am ready to be the change I long to see in the world, to release the longing and allow myself and it all to just be.

Dream within a Dream

The title of this blog comes from a poem by Edgar Allen Poe, which asks “is all that we see or seem but a dream with in a dream?”

From the exploration of the unseen table, I fell down the rabbit whole of my wonderland. Where grief and anger twist and spin as silk lengths of fabric being spun by an aerial dancer.

This morning, it feels like things are falling down around me, breaking around me. Anger and grief present though not paralysingly like Friday, or maddening like Saturday, or confusing like Sunday. Yesterday I went to the grocery store with my two children and felt like I accomplished something. When carrying the bags into my house some bags ripped and a glass fell shattering on the ground and my kids were crying and yelling at me and demanding from me. Still, I made dinner, and sorted the rubbish and took out the bins for the garbage men in the morning. I began to wash the mounting dishes that collected from Friday's paralysis. I spoke to a friend, and in the conversation I was more myself. So for these small things I give myself praise. To have entered the rabbit whole of my darkest dread and found the ability to function. To still be alive feels like I have conquered Hades himself. Though, like in the story of Orpheus, I have not yet reach the topside and the urge to look back scratches beneath the surface of my skin. This may sound strange or illogical and it's not logical. It's emotional, it's physical, it's entirely pre-verbal. 

I still find myself wanting to distract and pull away from the abyss of pain, to cover it up again... and some greater part of me is not allowing this. The falseness is soon itched away by the threat to recover my body in hives or it is smashed away, by a falling holiday decoration or small external reminders to just stay present with these feelings. Contrary to positive thoughts create a positive reality, it seems by staying honest with myself and staying present with these long buried pain emotions and the past thoughts and patterns, I have the experience inside and the external things aren't needed.

Further, I thought I needed someone to go into the darkness with me or I'd get lost and die. Instead, alone I found myself there open in the deep pain that needed to come out and be acknowledged. I was able to feel it, experience it again and hold myself lovingly.

I have ventured into the darkness of my first heartbreak, which for me happen in the womb. Tied up with it was my second heartbreak and I have a niggling feeling my third heartbreak all which happened at a very young age. I have endured holding this pain inside me completely unaware it was there. Now I am typing about it in a relatively sane way and at very least able to string sentences together, which to be honest was a challenge a couple days ago. 

My hope is that I read back on this blog a year from now and appreciate how happy I am and just how far I've come with this body, in this life.

Lastly I'd like to share a dream with you that I had last night:

The Dream:

I was at the party of this famous spiritual, well renowned, amazing artist. At a point in the party he invited everyone to the hall to see his latest exhibition inspired by many in attendance. Most everyone rushed to the door and out into the hall. I could hear mummers and oo's and laughter. I stayed on the couch, I knew there was nothing about me out there, and there were so many people and I didn't really know any one or think anyone really liked me, or wanted me there. So I sat on the couch with my drink, in my pretty dress alone. The artist came in the room looking for something. He saw me and smiled, and walked straight over to me.

“Ah, there you are, darling.” He said and sat down next to me taking my free hand. “I've been looking for you, why are you not out in the hall with everyone else?” He asked.

“I thought I'd look after everyone else was done, there are so many people out there, it's very crowded.” I replied.

He looked at me and a warm smile spread across his face. “Come I want to show you something.” He took the glass from my hand and placed it on the table. He stood up and pulled me to my feet, wrapping my arm inside his arm and holding my arm tightly, he walked me into the hall.

There were paintings and sculptures and darkness and colour, it was almost too much to take in. People were entranced with the various pieces of art.

“This is my portrait collection, in this exhibition.” He announced.

I looked up and saw these pieces of art, people's faces delicately sculpted onto white eggshell coloured stone, painted and set into paper lined wood, where the body and background were drawn and water coloured. Then he stopped walked and turned

“I had never met you, see, so I didn't know how to draw you. You kept coming into my mind, but I had never met you. I've heard so much about you and I am so looking forward to seeing you in your process, how you work is intriguing and beautiful and I do look forward to see you more. So this is what came out about you.”

I looked up and saw this beautiful pearl white, gold swirled cream egg, about a foot long, set in black iridescent purple velvet within a green, spiral vine, flowered box. Below it said:

Egg of Being

Avi Esther

The card was hand written in black ink, on a cream coloured card. I stood there in shock, tears welled in my eyes. There was a piece here I inspired, and my name was in the title. I didn't even know this man, yet some how he knew and loved me.

“I have a place, here.” I said to him almost questioningly. “How?” I asked.

“I've heard so much about you,” He said “There's quite a buzz around these part, we're all interested in what you're doing, how you're doing it. And look, there's more.” He said spinning me and taking a step forward down the hall.

“ After I finished that piece, inspired by you, it was so beautiful I had to make more.” As I looked there was a whole row of eggs, beautiful iridescent multicoloured stone eggs, each unique and patterned in the most extraordinary fractal way.

“They are beautiful! How did you make the pattern on them?” I asked.

As he explained his process to me, it settled in that some how I had inspired not just a piece of art, but a whole collection. Having never met this man, what I was doing in my life, how I am being inspired such beauty. Such visual and craft genius. I felt touched, humbled and confused. Little me, who's always felt with out a place of belonging, felt included. Felt important, just for being me. Standing in my dream, in a hall of creations.

This Moon Rising

As I flew back to London from Belfast I watched a blood red moon rise from the horizon. I watched her move up in the sky turning orange then yellow and finally white. On the ground the moon's fullness rising up from red through orange and yellow into white would have been unseen.... I sense an analogy being offered to me, and am not quite attuned enough to fully decipher it's meaning.

The training with Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova was everything I hoped it would be and more. I strongly recommend it to anyone and everyone who is interested http://www.birthintobeing.com/events-a-workshops . I am filled with inspiration for what I would like to create in my life and trust it will all unfold in perfect time. I know practically where I am and the direction I am going in. This is all I need right now. Over the 10 day training I dove into myself, the great microcosmic ocean within. I did in 10days more moving and healing then 5 years of psychotherapy. The insight and clarity I have now is still unfolding as I move through my daily life.

So many emotions have been stirred in me since my return. The greatest gift has been a clarity that has been quite surprising in the way I am experiencing it. The clarity is different than past feelings of clarity. It has come in a way that I can see stories I've created around why I've done what I've done or made the choices I have made. I'm looking at the stories about my life and the people in it and slowly the stories seem to me like just that, stories. The truth is I don't know why I've done a lot of what I've done, a lot of the stories don't really fit any more. I'm clear that I needed those stories to move me in a direction I sensed, on some level, I needed to move in.

A friend told me a story about an experiment Freud did before creating psychotherapy. He and his associates took a woman and hypnotised her to not see a table in the middle of a large room. When she emerged from the altered state they asked her about what she saw in the room... she listed the things and people except for the table. Then they asked her to walk to them, the table being between her and them. The woman walked around the table. When she reached them, they asked her if she noticed how she walked to them and asked her why she walked in a giant loop around the room. She had an answer of course as to why she walked the way she did to them, still unaware of the giant table in the middle of the room.

This is a perfect story to illustrate the clarity I feel. I'm not clear about a story, so I can feel safe. It's the opposite, in a way. It's being totally unsure about a story, or the stories and feeling extremely exposed. The stories are unravelling and with them the emotional ties that have kept me, obsessed or anxious or having to believe... though feeling safe. It's really strange to explain and I hope I'm doing this experience and inner understanding justice with my words.

For years there has been a giant table in the middle of my life that I have not wanted to look at, most of the time being completely unaware of it.  Having very believable stories about sinking into depression or suddenly move house, or marry a man I'd only known for a day, or think about killing myself, or fall in love with another man and ending my marriage, or any of the countless other things I have done, felt or thought. When I would gimps a side of this table it felt so dangerous that I could not fully look, it felt unsafe. So I'd make up a story and walk around the table feeling completely clear and sure about my story and why I was walking this way. Feeling safe. This has worked for me and kept me alive and safe, until now.

One part of the giant table is a chasm of grief that has sat in my life as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would feel it's effects, I remember being depressed on the sofa of after school childcare wondering why I was alive and wanting to die, I was 9 maybe 10. It was just before my birthday.

Since the training with Elena and seeing Amma at Alexandra Palace it's like I've walked into the darkness of an unseen room and up to the giant, chasmic table of grief and put my hands out to explore what I can not see. With my proverbial hands I have felt not wanting to be alive, and instead of it consuming me and pulling me into its lost gravity of grief, I am pulling it. I have more gravity. It is coming out and I can see it for what it is, just a feeling.

I put my hands out again to explore the table and I find worthlessness, unlovableness which has had me scrounging on the floor for scraps from other's tables. Again, I have more gravity and I am pulling it. I can see the stories I've created that have kept me surviving on these scraps and am thankful I have survived. I can see it for what it is, just feelings and stories. 

This table has felt like the scariest monsters my imagination could conceive. Like if I were to see it I would die. This journey I have under gone to see what has previously been unseen, reminds me of the ending scene of the film 'Labyrinth'. Where the protagonist says to antagonist "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me" 

The more of this table my hands explore, the more I am able to see the table, clean the table, and see that it's just a table. That it is has no power except for what power I give it, making it possible for me to see what has always been present. Making it possible for me to sit down at this giant table and have a feast in honour of all that I am. Those I love will sit with me and we will feast on being alive and worthy and loveable and what ever else I find as I search in the darkness for truth.

Scattered Connections

With 5 and half hours till I'm ment to be waking up for my flight to Belfast, and a sink full of dirty dishes to be washed and dried, I find myself sitting on my bed room floor toenails wet and drying with an over whelming desire to write. To write right now, because if I don't write, the change will take over and I won't remember this phase of my transformation. Memory is funny like that.

I've been swinging between my mother wounds and father wounds. One comes up to be released and healed, then the other like perpetual turn style. Again the sexualization of the father came up yesterday. A man (who is my father's age) and I began a conversation and in that conversation decided to merge our chakras. What came up powerfully for me was the longing to feel this love and support, nurturing from my father.... from a father. Where the conversation ended was with him speaking into the idea of us being tantric lovers, and possibly twin flames. To which I must admit I feel disheartened by. The connection was beautiful and I've had similar connections before, though I was not heard when I said this. Further, I slipped into being polite and not feeling able to speak my truth, with the stirred father wound. He insisted this connection was special and unlike any other; all connections are unique and beautiful and I often hear the amazement and wonder and desire from men (and some women) who energetically merge and connect with me. The question of who I am that they feel the way they do... I don't know who I am to them... perhaps simply a reflection. I find it curious and wonder about who I am. When I slide into quiet my answer comes, love. I am love. This is not unique or different from any other soul in existence, I simply express myself as I do which is unique to me.

Tonight a friend of mine randomly... or synchronisely....brought up the draco's. Then said “You're on you're journey of Love, God is a aware of you and shows you signs, symbols and synochronicities in you're everyday life. You already know this. The Universe speaks to you through people at the right time. You are being brave working through personal darkness and issues (which we all have). I'm a medium and have mentioned the Dracos because you will eventually come up against them in you're work towards the light”

I don't know how, but in some way these two experiences are connected. It seems like after so many years of putting together the sychronisities after the whole series of experiences have happened, I am able to now understand slowly what is being communicated to me. Though I'm still not sure at this moment, I just know to keep my eyes open, love, and trust myself completely.

These last two weeks have been life changing. The 27^th I could not sleep I would slip into altered space, a realm between awake and asleep, and dream while awake in my bed. I was stirred out of that by a growing headache and by the seventh time I became aware of the pain I had a full migraine. I went down and took a bath. I lit a candle and began to soak. Almost immediately a fear came up, I recognized this feeling and said “Ok I feel fear”. At that moment the candle went out. The fear tripled, and almost in panic I stopped took a breath and said to myself, “Ok I have a choice to make. I can do what I've always done, run away, or I can say yes to the fear” So I said yes to the fear and I loved the fear and the fear disappeared. I then fell into a space with in and with out. At first I saw light coming from my body in my periphery vision. Then my vision expanded and I could see all this light, spheres of light in me. I could feel my body safe and allowed myself to let go into this experience. I was inside and outside myself, it was all myself. I can't quite relate my experience in full, it's too much for my mind to digest. At some point I was stirred out of my trance by the sound of a rooster, the sky was still dark, then an owl responded. That got my attention. It happened 7 times and after the 7^th time the slightest bit of light was discernible from the window. My migraine was completely gone, I got out of the bath and went straight to sleep, deeply and soundly.

As I type this the owl who responded to the rooster is calling outside my window and a plastic bottle just popped which made my heart jump and tingle. Something is moving... in me outside of me... something is moving. This is where it gets really fun... today I heard something which sheds light on the irrational fear I've felt these past couple days. “The ego perceives change like death.” I'm not just changing, I'm transforming at rapid speeds. A year ago I was a shadow of who I am now. Once again with speed I am changing only when I stand on the other side of change will I see what has changed. One part of what is moving in me is I am learning how to direct my wonderful light and create myself wholly positive. I am remembering experientially who I am.

Hey maybe I'll become a superhero and get to battle giant dragons!!! Maybe all the superhero dreams I've had were preparation. He he he... who knows! Anything is possible.... right? Again and again this word dragon comes up in my awareness, I'm actually excited to see what manifests. What ever it is, it in line with my growth to freedom.

It's so nice to be blogging again... I've missed this space.  Love to you all.

New Skin

“Because they are so intimately connected with our basic desires for love and security, relationships quickly bring up our innermost feelings and for that reason they are extremely valuable, no matter whether the relationship is classified as good or bad.

It is necessary to remind ourselves that feelings are programs; that is, they are learned reactions that have a purpose and that purpose is directly related to achieving some end in the form of some effect on another person’s feelings and, by doing so, to manipulate their behaviour toward us and fulfil our own inner goals.

Let us look at the common emotional reactions and examine what their real purpose is. None of these to be described have anything to do with love, for love is a state of oneness with another. It is not an emotion that comes and goes. What passes for love in popular understanding is merely attachment, dependency and possessiveness.

As we shall see, all emotions toward others involve the basic belief that we are incomplete within ourselves and, therefore, others are exploited and viewed as means to an end. Although we may not be able to actually use the other person in the way we would like to, the utilization of the other person still occurs on the level of fantasy and expectation. We also discover that much of what we experience in a relationship is happening in our imagination only”    -- Happy Relationships excerpt

I totally understand lost and desperate feelings. The urge to cling to new relationships to fill in the holes left by the removal of the structure of an old relationship. I even ask myself if I'm doing this with my beloved and the answer is in part, yes. And I have this resolve within me to stand on my own feet. To really stand in my power, to turn over and prepare the ground that held the old structure for a totally new construction... or no construction at all.

I've been wanting to be ready to have a relationship with my beloved for so long, that I've tried to skip over the 'bad' part and get to the 'good' part. It now feels like the impatience has waned. I am more in touch with what is going on with me and actually wanting to feel the separation and divorce from my husband. To feel the absence and emptiness. I can feel the pull between hurry, just getting on with my life, and being where I am, present, letting go of All the unlove feelings I've been holding which leave me unavailable to start or be in a new relationship. Something is settling with the knowledge that if my beloved and I are going to be together, then we will, in the natural time of things. If we're not going to be together as a couple, then I've gained a wonderful and special friend and that too is a precious gift. Either way I feel blessed to have him in my life. He has been valuable in bringing up my innermost feelings.

Yesterday, old skin, that blistered at the field of love, came off. Underneath it new skin is there. It's slightly pink, and softer than the skin around it, and more sensitive. I forgot about the blisters on my pinky fingers. The pain and the memory of the pain left me weeks ago. So seeing the white dead skin ready to come off came as a surprise. This synchronizes with being notified that all my divorce paperwork is in the courts and the final stages are weeks away. With the revealing of new skin I see how tender it is and I see myself reflected in my skin. I posed the question, am I ready for a new relationship? I came to a yes answer in a previous blog... and now I feel different. I feel compassion for the soft, tender, sensitive, newness of myself in my life. I see where I'm letting go and where I'm afraid to let go. Where I'm grasping to fill the holes left by the ruins of my marriage.

I'm more aware of my attachments, dependency and possessiveness. I know I am capable of the love that is being in a state of oneness with another. I experienced this with my beloved this summer. The truth is since I've been home, that love slips into attachment and possessiveness. It started for me at tribal earth. So this tells me I am not ready.

I am ready to divorce from my marriage. I am ready to stand on my own and feel the aloneness that has terrified me since childhood. I am ready to love and support myself. I'd like to feel the space between relationships, as I know I will have a new, loving, romantic relationship one day. My impatience for 'getting to the good part' is replaced by accepting where I am and all that has happened. In fact this feels like the 'good part', even with the churning of emotions and fluctuating clarity. Through each wave of unknowing, I come out the other side more me and more present.

Today I saw a pattern. I spoke to three men all of whom: have (or had) romantic feelings for me, are fathers, are unavailable, and all want to be my good friend. (I do believe I am trying to tell myself something). So I looked at my relationship with my father whom I met when I was 22. A deep well of grief came up that felt like I would drown if I let it go. I dialled my guru and she helped me let it go, deeper and deeper grief poured out of me till I saw myself as a small child with an imagined father. A completely unavailable man, absent. I knew my father loved me, that must be true, but he was no where. I had no father figure who stayed around, the closest male to relate to was my older brother and he was unavailable too.

So I learned to relate to men by watching my mom. I learned to flirt and flaunt. I learned how to stir their sex to get their attention and get my needs met. Now I find this confusing. I don't want to stir my father's sex, I want to relate to him in a different way, but how? Solution! I found a father here. I've have a daughter/ father relationship with a man in this country, we met at the field of love last year. We speak on the phone and see each other every now and again. I'm starting to feel how I can relate to a man in a whole and healthy way. To feel attractive and beautiful without stirring sexual impulse. This separation between love and sex with men is where a deep confusion lies within me. With awareness and experience this heals. I am entirely grateful for my English dad.

My clarity is, I am experiencing what masculine paternal relating is. I also have a good guy friend who I have no sexual energy with me, so with him I am experiencing what masculine platonic relating is. (I have experienced this once before over a decade ago and he died.. the ultimate unavailable) With these experiences I can go back to the relationship with my beloved and the other men and be clear about relating to them. I am collecting the experiences I need to make boundaries that are appropriate with each of them and all men.

I am not available to the man I have called my beloved (or him to me). So it feels untrue to call him this. I am available to myself, right now. This is where my heart and energy is. With myself and with my children. I still have romantic feelings for him and love him, this stays the same. When I find within myself what I am seeking, (and he finds what he needs) then we will see what is there between us. Until then I will find another way to refer to him if I continue to include him my writing.

See-saw of Duality

Public, private. Honest, lie. Love, obsession. Disapproving, approving. Uncontrollable, control. Survival, safety...... The line between opposites is where I sit, as an imagined marble rolling back and forth along the see-saw of duality. Discerning where I am, who I am, what is really going on with me, how I really feel.

I've noticed in my blog entries I'm consistently not sure if I want to be sharing with you, my reader, the personal experiences that I have always kept private. At this point I am choosing to share with you, to feel what is stirred in me by standing naked before you. It pushes me to be honest with myself, and see myself. If I don't tell anyone the secrets of my inner world after time I start lying to myself. Telling myself I didn't really feel this way or I lessen my experience, and no one knows. By bringing myself to the public eye I hold myself accountable and take responsibility for my life and my experience. The good and bad alike. I take responsibility and I ask myself “where in(side) did I create this?” 

Today has been a remarkable day: the rain stopped so I could walk where I needed to dry, there was a beautiful sunset, Orion and Lyra stopped being destructive and listened and went to bed on time with no arguing, Orion ate a large handful of rocket! I had a beautiful afternoon with my beloved and it was platonic and that felt good. I saw how much I wanted his approval and how I've been wanting to be with him (romantically) more than I've wanted my freedom (that is a self realized state of being). I saw how I've been disapproving of my children and protecting them with fear. I experienced how discernment and making a choice leads to positive action and immediate results. I released the disapproval and gave myself, my children and my beloved approval (but only right now that I realized I've been disapproving of him too). I see how when I disapprove of someone they push at me and feel angry or not sure or uncomfortable. 

Writing this blog has made and makes me feel uncomfortable. I read them and it's like “these are some of my deepest thoughts and feeling and fuck here they are for everyone to read!” So right now I'm going to discern about why I really write this blog and why I feel uncomfortable about it. I disapprove of myself for a lot of what I think, feel and do. I beat myself up calling myself strange and weird, too intense, and dramatic. I want you to give me feed back so I can feel justified in how I think, feel and what I do. Knowing that approval come from within I can let go of disapproving of myself and give myself approval. NEXT. I want to be honest with myself and not lie or hide any more, so I use this as a way to hold myself accountable (as I've said a couple paragraphs ago so it must be true) I'm trying to control myself by using the accountability of others. If I feel that out of control with myself then I'm giving my power away. Maybe that's why I feel tired. So, I can just be in control of myself, now. NEXT. I write this blog because I've always wanted to write a blog and have no idea what to write about and I love writing about myself. I rather like that. 

I think I will continue to write this blog, charting my growth for myself in a way that allows you to follow me if you choose. Especially, as I have received so many responses about how it has helped others who relate to my feelings and experience. I think I may tame it down a bit and keep some things sacred in my heart, by sharing them with the appropriate person(s). This is the last bit of discernment for right now:
I've been afraid to tell my truth to the people who I have written about in my entries. I've been afraid of their response. Of them taking their love away from me. The reality is I've been pushing them away in fear. Using fear to protect me and fear doesn't protect me or anyone. I've been using this forum as a way to grow in courageousness by writing my truth then asking them to read it (or them finding it). I can see this now. It seems today I've shifted and am now sharing with you my personal process. I stand in my power and take responsibility for my life, all that has gone right and wrong. I see how what has gone right and wrong have lead me to this empowered point and it all feels aligned and good. 

I see how self centric I am in my life and would like to continue to use this forum to be that fully. This way I can be more present to those I love and hear and support them better. I can hold myself accountable and let go of needing you, my wonderful readers. Lastly, I really like how it is becoming easier and easier to write a blog page. I get faster and clearer with each blog I write and I think this may be great practice for one day writing a book. Gosh, I love discernment and clarity. Even when it's not completely clear. This entry is like being under water and looking up to the surface, as you get closer to the surface you can see what's on top. When you're right under the surface things are clearly what they are and still a bit blurry.