The Golden Light London Blog Spot

For postings about what I'm do, instead of who I'm doing... as I don't seem to be writing about that any more.

http://thegoldenlightlondon.wordpress.com

The Mouse and Me

In the last couple weeks I've seen more mice than usual. In fact a lot more... and my response to seeing these mice has been sweet and full of understanding... even had a moment of awe watching this brave, hungry mouse (though afraid) move past busily walking people to find it's scrap of food before returning to the safety from which it came. The other night, it occurred to me that I've been noticing a lot of mice and decided to look up some stories and meanings... and this is what I found... which has deeply touched me and had a profound effect on me.
I hope you enjoy the story as much as I have.


THE NATIVE AMERICAN MOUSE

And then there is the tale told by Native Americans about the mouse who heard a sound that none of the others could hear. "I'm going to find the source of that sound," Mouse announced to his little troop of friends.

"Oh, no, no, no!" they admonished, "You'll be killed by the Fierce Ones who dwell out there in The Beyond."

"I know it's scary out there," Mouse stammered, "but I really want to know what is causing that sound."

One day Mouse worked up the courage and began following the sound. The Slithering Ones and the Furry Ones pounced out from every nook, but Mouse was able to escape each time. The sound became louder, growing to a low roar. On the third day, the mystery became clear, as he caught a glimpse of the waters of the river flowing below the trees.

A funny-looking green creature was perched upon a lily pad beside the shore. "Hello Mouse," Frog croaked, "you found the sound, did you?"

"Yes, this place is really something."

"You can find more if you leap up in the air as high as you can," Frog suggested.

"Well!. I don't know about that."

"Aw! come on. Just try it one time."

Humoring his green friend, Mouse gave it a try. He leaped so vigorously, he lost his balance and tumbled down into the water. "Hey! You tricked me~" sputtered the soggy lump of hair.

"Did you see anything when you jumped up?" questioned Frog.

"Well! Yes! I did see a very great mountain off in the far distance."

Frog jumped into the water and swam away. Mouse wandered off and met another band of fur-balls like himself.

"Have you guys leaped up and seen the big mountain?" squeaked Mouse.

Frowning faces and shaking heads told him, "No! What are you talking about?"

"If you leap real high, you can see it too."

"We're not interested in that," the little troop told Mouse, "We are too busy just finding food and hiding from The Killers."

"Well, I am going to go to that mountain," said Mouse, pumping out his chest.

"Don't be foolish," they told him, "there is a terrible desert in that direction, and several of our relatives have ventured out that way. Not one has returned."

Mouse thought about it over for awhile, then pronounced, "I made it through the first, and I think I can reach that mountain too."

"You're crazy, just plumb nuts!" they cried.

"I can explain it, but I just have to go find that mountain."

Another days wandering found him at the edge of the Forest World, gazing out beyond the long desert at the misty mountain nesting on the horizon.

Carefully watching the dark shadows of the Bird of Prey that circled overhead, he darted from bush to bush, making some progress.

Tired and sweaty after half a day's scampering, Mouse was relieved to see a grove of vegetation up ahead. He rushed into it for a well-deserved rest.

Suddenly, he felt a deep vibration stirring the air and earth. it seemed to be coming from a hill made of fur. And it was moving!

"Welcome to my home," rumbled the immense beast.

Startled and frozen in stony fear, Mouse blurted, "I, I'm traveling to the great mountain, an', an' those shadow spots are scaring me."

"Well! That's quite brave of you, little one," Bison praised. "I would very much like to help, but, alas, I am blind."

"I'll give you one of MY eyes!" squealed Mouse.

With that, one of Mouse's eyes flew out of his head and went into the face of the Bison.

With dust falling like rain from his fur, Bison stood up, towering over Mouse like a mountain. Faint bolts of lightening shot out from his horns up into the clouds above.

Mouse staggered as he felt the thunder rolling to the mountain. He had never dreamed that a beast could have such awesome power.

"Well! I'm ready to go," said Bison, "are you ready?"

"Oh! Yes! Yes!" answered Mouse. "Let's go!"

"Now listen to me," instructed Bison, "I will run fast straight to the mountain. I want you to run directly beneath me. That way, the Predators Of The Sky will not see you, and the Ground Killers will be afraid to venture out of their hiding places, least they be crushed. Do you understand?"

"Yes! Yes! I can do that, " Mouse chirped with confidence. So, off they went, charging across the desolate wasteland running fast. Dark spots flowed over Bison's back, as little Mouse sprinted in a cloud of dust below. Thundering hooves struck all about him like earthquakes shattering the earth.

Endurance consumed, Mouse felt he had breathed his last breath, when suddenly Bison slowed down and stopped. They had reached the base of the mountain.

"I didn't think I was going to make it," Mouse panted, "I was really out of breath, an' your hooves almost got me a bunch of times."

"You had no need to worry, little friend," Bison explained, "I walk in the Way Of The Sun Dance, so I always know precisely where my hooves are at all times."

Looking up at the majestic mountain, Mouse gulped. "How am I ever going to reach the top?" questioned his thoughts.

As he contemplated the situation, a magnificent white wolf stepped from behind a big rock low on the mountainside. "Greetings Mouse," spoke Wolf. "I've been expecting you."

Relieved of his fear, Mouse asked, "Can you guide me to the top of the mountain?"

"Well! I'd like very much to do that," mused Wolf, "but I have this problem with my vision; everything is all mixed up and I can't find my way anymore."

"I'll give you MY eye!" Mouse offered.

Out of his head flew the eye, right into the face of Wolf.

"Oh! Thank you, thank you," howled Wolf,  "Come, follow me."

Luckily for Mouse, he had a keen sense of smell and was able to follow Wolf along the old trail toward the mountain top. A crystal clear lake nested atop the mountain, which was the Source of the River.

"I'll leave you here," growled Wolf, "I have other travelers to await down below."

Mouse sat down on a rock beside the still blue water.

"I'm blind as a bat," he thought, "but I'm still glad I made it up here. It's so peaceful. I wonder what my old pals back in the forest are doing."

He felt the air flutter, and fear creeped back in again. He knew it was Mighty Eagle who had come for him. Sure enough, off his perch he was snatched and carried him up into the heavens. He thought he was one dead mouse, but behold, a miracle! Mouse himself had been transformed into a Great Eagle!

MOUSE EVOLUTION

Long, long ago, God got tired of watching these ponderous beasts who munched on greenery and each other. They had dominated the earth for a very long time, and didn't seem to be going anywhere. So, God dropped a giant, fiery stone from Heaven, and they were eliminated. Of all the creatures that remained, mouse was the one who used his abilities most fully, and came to dominate. Behold again! He transformed into man.

This may seem like a Micky Mouse way of doing things, but God works in strange ways.

stories from: http://www.greatdreams.com/mouse.htm

Dream through My Chakrahs

I cleared all my chakrahs before bed, and had a wonderful dream-like dream through my chakrahs.

It was a beautiful dream experience and very integrating and easy till the last bit.... in my mind, where i was searching for a shower at a large indoor trade show. 

I so desperately wanted a shower and was really upset being smaller than everyone and not able to see where the entrance was... and all the smiling clean people walking around just out of the shower.

I saw how not being able to see or find what I was looking for stirred negative emotions, anger, fear, anxiety, confusion... I would go up higher and could see where the entrance was but when I got back down stairs it was all confusing again. All the directions I was given were wrong, and the asking and receiving incorrect information made it worse. 

Finally in the dream, I let out this growling scream. Everything stopped in the dream, all focus was on me. I declared "I AM taking a shower."  

The people parted and the entrance was visible. Everybody was quite. I walked toward the shower entrance... as I walked I woke up. 

I remember another chakrah, the heart I believe. Where I was sailing on a peaceful ocean. The sun was comfortably in the sky. I was alone in body yet felt fully connected to everybody. I was sailing in a small boat with a sail toward something, yet knew not what. I felt happy and at ease. Then I saw a large rock or small island in the distance and became curious. I sailed over to it with just my mind choosing to go that way. When I arrived my beloved was lying on a rock sun bathing. He smiled so big at me, and said "You found me! Well Done!" We were so happy, I stepped off the boat and straight into his arms. Our flesh touching in the embrace felt like every skin cell that touched was making love, our hearts beating together making love, our lips kissing making love, our smiling eyes, smiling faces, warm bodies, our whole being making love in totality of our beingness. I lye on him as the waters came in, and the land we were on became smaller. There was total ease, as the waters moved up around us and took us to the next chakrah. 

I remember also the root, dark and red. Black and red. Lots of grunting, very primal. It was heavy or dense down there. Less to no thought, all body feeling and some emotion feeling, though very simple emotional feeling. It was very clear, connected, grounded. 

I remember the feeling of the other chakrahs though not the images or stories connected. 

I love writing my dreams. The clarity my subconscious is communicating is super helpful and answers many of my waking questions. Well done me!!! yay! 

Heaven's Earth: A Dream to Herald in the Beloved

Lastnight I had a very powerful dream:

We were all at this indoor festival, where plants were also growing from within... from the floor. There were many many families there and room where different workshops, music, general fun was going on.

I was there with my children. Their father 'was coming' at first I was sad he was not there with us. I felt alone, yet by the middle of the dream I started to see the amazing awake community around me. All the families with children who are conscious and happy and thriving, reJoySing.

When I could see this, I turned a corner and Caitlin was there with a massage table. When her eyes fell on me, this warm knowing smile spread across her face. Caitlin motioned for me to come over to her with her head. Both Orion and Lyra were holding my hands. We walked over. Caitlin looked at both of them and motioned with her head and eyes for them to hop up and sit on this cushy/pillowed/sheep skinned box next to the head of the massage table. Then looked at me and patted the table. I looked at my kids, worry went through me, then grief and fear. Almost this space of 'if I allow myself to heal who will look after them?'  I looked at her face, soft, knowing and warm. I took a breath and trusted and got up on the table/couch. Orion and Lyra giggling at my head and playing with things hanging on the wall. Again I felt this wave of 'behave' mixed in with anxiety and fear. I went to move the things out of their hands and Caitlin stopped me. She spoke,

"Avi, you're ready for this, now. Leave them to be children, they are and it's good for them to play. Relax now, let go."

Something in me relaxed, my eyes went to Orion and Lyra playing with each other and watching, joyfully, all the people around, all the colour and celebration. They watched Caitlin, as she began at my feet humming and adjusting the energy lines there for me to better assimilate and walk on heaven's earth. She continued in this way, the more I saw Orion and Lyra were safe and happy the more I let go and received. All the colours played and blurred and came into focus as her beautiful, happy humming told me she was just right there.

The 'me' that needed to feel safe, finally felt fully safe. When she finished part one she asked me to sit up. Excitement filled me, and Orion and Lyra too. I sat up on the couch, easily. Caitlin began to test my 'pain' 'pleasure' thresh hold. I saw that the things that brought me pain before felt good now, and I was amazed. In awe almost. Finally, the last test. She took my hand and and went to put her nail under my finger nail. I pulled my hand away in fear. She looked at me and smiled. “It may hurt a bit, and that's ok. See what happens” I gave her my hand again and she dug her nail under the nail of my left middle finger. It hurt, yet in an instant I was more present in my dream. Alert. Our eyes met in presence. And in an instant my children and I were in a hall way looking at musicians.Caitlin was also there standing beside us. We were all moving to the music.

At the end of the Jam, Elijah Ray walked over to a massage table and smiled and waved me over. Again fear and confusion came up (from nowhere seemingly) I didn't know this person, yet I did. All my man-fears rose in me with every step I took closer. Caitlin stood with Orion and Lyra dancing and having a great time. They were all happy for me to step away. When I reached Elijah, he gave me a hug and laughed. I felt confused and childlike. I sat on the massage table/couch and he sat next to me. We spoke a little, and I couldn't really hear through the ears of the child-emotion I was in, however,the anxiety lessened and I became comfortable with him. I felt safe that I would not hurt him or another woman connected to him, and he would not hurt me. ( this is my conception and gestation story, my response after writing this sentence was to get up to get a tissue,then to go downstairs to get something to drink. Instead I am sitting here with this dis-comfort and continue to write)

When the anxiety lessened enough for me to lye down. Elijah started at my feet then heart drumming and working with musical instruments. Almost musically weaving a stronger connection between my feet and heart. So I may walk from my heart on heaven's earth. Then he continued between my heart and my head/throat/crown. I was spirit and body aware of both, dancing within and aware of expansive massive spirit me, that this body lives in, dancing all around me. When he finished, I was strong and vulnerable. I sat up on the table and we looked into one another's eyes. Tears began drip out of my eyes, and we hugged. So much gratitude welled up and poured out from inside me. I could feel his joy at this birth of spirit-awake-inBody, and felt his tears on my shoulder.. blissful. 

We looked at one another with deep recognition and remembering and Laughed!! The music grew louder and my children and Caitlin were still dancing and we joined them. Amber was there with her boys and so many other families and people and we were all celebrating heaven's earth and our arrival and choice to be here, now.

There was so much joy and support. Caitlin, was smiling so big at me, then she leaned over and said “When you're ready to teach New York City, call me. I'll help set it up.” I smiled so big, and said Thank You. As the dreamed faded and I awoke into my day.

What a Healing Integration Dream!!

Dark Dreams Through a Restful Night.

Over the last 2 weeks I haven't slept very much, my days have been filled with festivals and gigs and beautiful connections with beautiful people. When dreams have come they have mostly been of spending time with a man I'm in love with, mundanely magical time spent with one another.

It started 3 nights ago, waking without memory or feeling from dreamtime. At first very dreamless deep sleep, long sleep, naps... as my body rested and caught up on rest from 2 weeks of playing and working hard with little rest.

After returning from Secret Garden Party there was something dark I felt within me. Shifts happening all around me. An ex-boyfriend's facebook request triggering long forgotten rage, from a time when all the things I identified myself with began to drop away, leaving me scared, confused and lost. A time when I accepted sex for love, and sacrificed my happiness out of compassion for others which lead ultimately to me marrying a man the day after meeting. Then of course a message comes in from my wasband requesting to create a ceremony to call all the beings who witness our beach marriage together to witness our dissolution. Owning the love we cary for one another and the pain of being in romantic relationship with one another. Finally accepting, it seems, us not working as a romantic couple. Old patterns clearly showing their faces in the orgasmless abyss of disembodied parts.

In process of releasing anger, letting go of resentment, letting go of dead dreams I felt the urge to withdraw from those I am currently close to. I felt it and communicated to them the space I was in internally. Met with love and understanding I stayed in connection with those I'm close to. I held myself in the anxiety, weirdness and desire to flee. Deepening my relationship with those I love.

So it is with this background in mind and heart I begin to dive into the dreams I experienced last night. So vivid and macabre. I had two distinct dreams. The first one I was on the inside of this entity that was beautiful and graceful and dark. She hunted people and magically killed them in poetic and gruesome ways. It was like play for this character watching the screams and blood splatter from those who's lives this creature claimed. It was unassuming, kind even in the company of others... yet always watching and waiting for the smallest mental/emotional co-manifested agreement to die from those she encountered, whose lives she wished to take.

Within this character, of my feminine dark side, there were those whom she really liked. Felt protective of, mostly women. So the recipients of death were mostly men. Men whom tried to hurt or take advantage of these girls and woman this character, I saw through, protected. She hunted them, feeding off their fear. She walked along at each murder, witnessing their darkness consume and kill them. She never lifted a blade or weapon, the way she murdered was to reach inside their minds and project outward their greatest fear. The more they feared the more real the projection, she walked in almost a dance, gracefully, eyes locked on her victims like an apparition, grey, dark and beautiful. I felt her compassion for the mothers and sisters who were left behind. Blessing them in a way, so the male of their future ancestors are protected from again incurring her wrath... protected from harming any women in her protection.

She was neutral with these murders. Neither enjoying it nor not enjoying the death stair. What she did enjoy was the breeze that blew her hair wildly around her face, and her soft dress in grey spirals around her body. She enjoyed the feel of her surroundings, the concrete under her feet, the brick wall, a tree, the water, etc. She enjoyed listening to the heartbeats in a room hearing them speak truths and lies. Yet, she had this task and keen sight of murdering those whom harmed the maidens she fiercely protected.

I suppose upon writing it out, this villainous monster seems less evil. The vividness of the murders hung to me with guilt through out the day, and now as I see these words and understand the aspect asking to be seen in my subconscious I get this part of myself. The part that has the job of protecting the innocent, vulnerable maidens. This innocent vulnerable maiden. And through this dream I believe it's time to re-employee her protective services in other, less destructive ways which brings her great joy and aliveness, which turn her greyness from death to creation.

For today a man who has been upsetting some love fairies I work with contacted me. With love I told him, his schizoid nature scares some of the love fairies and to please not contact us any more. This was met with anger and I replied again in love with firm boundaries and total communication and ownership of how I and other's I spoke to perceive him. It was not nice to hear, it was fair and loving and allowed us all to feel safe with clear boundaries. I felt this aspect within, fearless, keen sighted, yet loving in her ferocity of character. Strong, confident, caring. Without destroying or killing this predatory, manipulative man.

HMMMMM

Dream two:

In this dream I moved with my children to an American city suburb... somewhere on the east coast, suburbs of Cleveland keeps popping into my head. We lived in a townhouse. It was old and beautiful in a morose way. We began to settle in. Orion and Lyra went to this special school that taught magic along side state curriculum. As October came to us, a group of dark magicians came after Orion. They wanted his blood. There had been a string of deaths of students at the school, and I used my white magic to locate and channel who or what was behind these deaths. They felt me use this magic and I knew they were targeting Orion next. I begged my children to stay inside where they were protected with a forcefield spell. Yet they wouldn't listen. I saw one of the dark magic creature children stalk Lyra from across our backyard as she lovingly filled in a grave of one we had berried, yet as the creature went to attacker her it fell into her light field and and golden glitter with flowers stunned the child and Lyra went about her way not noticing her near capture.

Orion however did not have this sort of protective magic. He had a wooden sword, which he claimed would be metal when the day came he was strong enough to wield it. I worried for him. I yelled at them in the dream, ordering them back into the house. They were both confused yet they listened, they saw the worry on my face. I could feel the group growing closer. 

When inside I told them to stay inside, bad things were coming and they needed to stay inside, keep the doors closed. I went upstairs to retrieve magical bits. I heard a knock on the door, then I heard Orion go to answer the door. I flew down the stair to the sight of Orion standing in the doorway, door wide open with this gang of dark magic creature. The word STOP came shrieking out of me without thought. Orion jumped back into the living room, eyes fixed on me. I was in between him and the gang before the sound finished reverberating.

I asked flatly “What do you want with this household?”

they responded “You know what we want witch”

“You may not have my son, my blood flows in his veins, he is beyond your reach.”

“He has his father's blood too, dark and rich. It is the final key to the hell gate.”

“Be gone from my home and land. I declare this complete.”

A rush of wind and blurring colours came swirling in as they were pushed off the stoop of my house and onto the pavement. “Be gone!” I called again. Wind sweeping my hair wildly. I slamed the front door. I turned to Orion and held him close to me, his head in my chest. His eyes wild like mine. My heart beating so fast, with all I could do to protect him.

I see both death dreams were actually about protecting what I value. Both young and innocent aspects. Which correlates to the few interactions I've had with men of my past and recent predator.

So what I see is the anxiety I feel with the fear of not being able to protect the ones I love, including the innocent, vulnerable child within. Yet in both dreams I was more than powerful, I was the most powerful one in both dreams.

As I type this I feel heat through my body, especially my torso and abdomen. I feel my body reclaiming the anger held and turning it into power... into strength. Core strength. As both what is vulnerable and what is raw power sit within, this dichotomy feels strange yet empowering. And the need to sit with this continues.  

ET Contact Meditation: Opening up to Great Awareness

I did an ET contact meditation last night. I woke up in the night with very strong vibration in my lower heart, very intense. Wasn't sure what was going on, then the energy grew more intense , like what I imagine glowing to feel like, I felt it shoot down my arms into my hands, which went very stiff, then my mouth went very wide and down and a silent roar came out. This happened twice more. Then I had an experience was like I was being scanned by a familiar voice I've known as myself (not my personality, which is a whole other some what confusing topic) to find out what was going on, then I repeated only beings of love, joy and light with intentions of our highest good may enter, the energy subsided  the third time I said this and I called arch angle Michael. (This all just happened, there was no thinking about what to do, it just happened) I Closed down my openness and went to sleep repeating only love joy and light. I could feel the fear in my body and soothed it with these words as I fell back asleep. I could feel the other beings in the room and see some of their energetic outlines. I didn't pay too much attention to them, as I wanted to go back to sleep and them to leave. 

I'm not sure what I was expecting, though obviously not that. I'm left feeling sore where my sternum is and the surrounding area, like I worked out last night (which I didn't not physically). I also feel drained and a bit shaky. I'm divided to be honest. Part of me doesn't know what to make of this and it's a bit freaked out by it all... another part feels calm and in understanding. This part knows: 

The energy felt reptilian, lower vibration earth plane et's trying to make contact. The heart pulses threw the et out as they cannot exist in an unconditional love vibration of the 4d+5d vibration which I fluctuate in and out of. I have channeled my whole life with a being (group of beings) who are one. They are known to be as me, as I have always known them, yet they are not my personality which feels fear and has struggled with these gifts and sensitivities, especially as a young child. We are the holders and keepers of this universe. You are one of our representatives on the earth plane. You are so brave and loving to have chosen to come and embody... and continue to embody more fully. You will continue to grow in love harmony vibration to be able to embody us all. We will embody through you as one, this integration has already begun.   

(I started channeling in the above paragraph and have not edited it.) 

As I type this tears are streaming out of my eyes. I feel a gentle pulse in my heart... and I have this feeling of needing to share this with some one who understands and won't think I'm crazy. A  very talented psychic told me once that I'm a walk in, yet the original soul hasn't left. She tried to "fix" that... yet what happened is it allowed the (not personality me) to embody more fully... and the me that was born in this body is still here. We exist together. 

SO the channel is open and more insight is gained by the part of me I experience as my personality. Certain things start to make sense and become clearer. 

 Any thoughts, insight, feedback, and discourse welcome.

Dreamy Dance Part 3

From the perspective of being awake, I can see the dream had come to a close. However, while I was waking up I really wanted to stay in the dream. The perspective was I had just gotten to this new bit where I felt better and free and I wanted to explore. I can see now a whole cycle had completed and it was indeed time for me to wake up.

I really enjoy dreaming. There's a part of me that wishes I could dream all day, just stay asleep. Indeed that part felt a bit sad that I was awake and I felt the desire to return to sleep. Why do I like to dream so much? Why do I prefer dreams to life? Are the questions I asked myself as I wrote my dream down. Little did I know these questions were soon to be answered.

Off I went to 5 rhythms to dance myself into clarity. My thoughts full of my dreams over the past couple days. Mr. Dreamy, Romeo, Wasband (my ex-husband), Mr. Can-opener (another man I fell in love with a couple years ago),a potential someone new. My head was full, so I reached into my bag of tools and repeated over and over clearing statements. Clarity began to seep into my mind. When I got to the dance there was practically no parking, which is unusual... my mantra of clearing statements falling from my lips, the air around me feeling palpably magical.

I entered the dance and there at the entrance a friend who I haven't seen in months greeted me! We embraced and he told me he was there to meet our mutual friend Mr. Can-opener. My heart thumped excitedly in my chest. On the dance floor I stretched my neck, arms, torso, hips, legs. I love to dance as wildly and free as I can possibly be, so warming my muscles it a must in order to take care of my body. I love my body so dearly, it is capable of such amazing things.

As I stepped into my dance on the 5 rhythms floor, I saw Mr. Can-opener and smiled. My dance flowed to a corner of the room where a man, who bared such a likeness to Mr. Dreamy I had to look twice, danced and moved in a similar way to him. I was gob smacked by synchronisities of the evening and I had only been there a matter of minutes. As I moved and danced there was another man there who resembled one of the men I danced with in my dream. So I danced with all of the emotions of these men I love, which carried me over to a woman. We moved and danced and writhed with one another our dance becoming ecstatic and sensual, sexual even. When one of us moved away still we danced together across the large room.

Suddenly in a moment I had clarity. I didn't want to dance with Mr. Dreamy's, though I felt the tenderness and love. I enjoyed flirting with the dancer of my dream, yet didn't want to dance with him either. I tried to dance with Mr. Can-opener yet our connection wasn't synching, so I didn't really want to dance with him either. I looked around the room and realised I was free. Free to dance with whom ever I choose without the ghosts of past loves haunting me. Free from wondering about what could have been. Free!!!

I dropped deeper into the sexy sensual snake like dance with the woman, we dropped to the floor and writhed and spun and rolled, a mess of legs and arms and hair. I was free. Bliss coursed through me as though it were my blood. Air felt exquisite in my lungs. I saw my friend who greeted me at the door and became self-conscious as though I were dancing this way in front of my father, then it disappeared and came back like waves these feels washed over me and subsided till I saw clearly a pattern.

Every 10 years I have had an intense love affair with someone for a brief time, then we go very far away from one another (geographically) and the relationship stagnates. The first man was my father. The waves of self awareness of my dance disappeared completely and it was just me, my breath, and the dance. I grounded deeply down into stillness, one leg, then the other in a trance like state of beingness. 

I saw Mr. Can-opener, his body thin, his eyes sullen, his heart in such sorrow... I witnessed Mr. Can-opener. I placed my hand on his heart and felt compassion as though my body and being were but a vessel. We met in stillness. Our breath, our bodies, swaying to the music finding our rhythm once more as we have so many times before. Even when the music stopped we swayed on to our rhythm, in connection and love and comfort.

That evening when I returned home, Mr. Dreamy found me on skype. We chatted for the first time in months. It was lovely and more clarity appeared. I could see why I loved him and why I loved being with him and also why he is far away and I am here. I saw why my Wasband and I haven't been able to make a romantic relationship work. I saw myself, and what I truly and simply desire. Positivity, Love, Joy, Abundance. Only those who allow this to grow, who aid and nurture and support the me I enjoy being are the people who I choose to open my vulnerable, beautiful, giving heart to. This is my truth, discovered in the dance between dreams. 

Dreamy Dance Part 2

Meditating and pulling tricks out of my bag of healing tools, I pull myself up to a more neutral state. Better.

I accomplished quite a bit that day before going to hoop class, where I feel like a fairy goddess with incredible confidence and grace, control and skill. Then it dawned on me, “I wish I had as much confidence in my business as I do on aerial hoop” I blurted out in the class. They sort of stair at me and ask what I do. I told them and they sort of shrugged and said “cool” before returning their attention to their hoops. The dredge of judgment and feeling not good enough began to return.

That night I meditated before bed, grateful tomorrow was tuesday because that meant 5 rhythms and what ever was stuck would finally move.

Walking up to the sound of the garbage collectors, I abandoned my dream to run down stairs and put my bins out on the street for collection, just in time. Climbing back into my bed curled up with my macbook I began typing out my dream.

In my dream I was some where beautiful, set in nature. Green deciduous trees and hills and vibrant green grass. I was visiting a girlfriend's family in the mountains, upstate New York looking. It was such a lovely day the whole family decided to go to the park. We were having a wonderful time, then I saw a guy I fell in love with 10 years ago, who I will call Romeo, a face I haven't seen in dreams or other wise for years.

In my dream he was sitting in the sun with his shirt off talking to his friend. As I walked it sunk in who I just passed. I stopped and said his name, incredulously, out loud as I realised who he was. I turned and he looked up, we smiled and said hello. I was about to continue walking with my friend, when he said sarcastically “Oh, so you're just going to walk away? No love for an old friend? I see.” the combination of his emotions expressed through sarcasm and fear of rejection made me smile and I turned to my friend and she nodded that it was okay. She told me she was going back to the courts where her parents where.

Romeo and I took a walk. Up the trails talking, catching up, laughing. We had a closeness of old friends, as we walked. I invited him back to the house for a late lunch. When we arrived he knew the place but said nothing. I showed him around, and in the back garden he kissed me... I allowed him to. It was a sweet kiss, melted me a bit, I felt happy, innocent. We continued to walk to the other end of the garden when my friend asked me if I would go in and help her with something. Which I, of course, did.

After some time I wondered where Romeo had gone and I went back to the far door to the garden. I didn't see him at first, then I heard something and went outside to find my friend's father kissing, fully on making-out with this pink tube-top wearing, slutty, drugged out looking girl. I heard a noise from just inside, and found Romeo slumped on a closed toilet seat, trying to put his clothes on, looking really off his face. My friend came up behind me and saw this, “Oh, no! Tammy's here.” I looked at her “He's been making out with Tammy,” my friend explained to me “she's so doped up you get a high from her saliva.” My friend looked outside and saw her dad and exasperated when to intervene.

I was furious! I was angry about Romeo kissing another girl when he had just kissed me. And he kissed me!!! I was angry that my friend's dad then kissed the same girl when his wife was in the other room making us all lunch.

Romeo stumbled to his feet, “I should go” he said.

As he wobbled to the front door. My friend's mom came out of the kitchen. And started laughing. “Oh, Tammy again.” she snickered.

I lashed out, “It's not so funny, Walt is making-out with her now.” This made her laugh more and replied “She's a drug, not love, it's addiction. So what do I care, we've been together long enough I know where his heart is.” I was still angry in my dream as I went out the door after Romeo.

He was walking with a distinct wobble as he tried to find his car to drive back to the park. I didn't let him drive and walked with him back to the park. Just before the park was a swimming pool, and for some reason we had to walk through the swimming pool area to get to the park. We were naked as we walked along the side of this very, very large swimming pool. Romeo was walking better, though we still had to walk carefully as the floor was slippery. When we neared the end of the large room we had to pass through dressing rooms to get to the park.

Just before we reached the dressing rooms Romeo slipped and I caught him. I held him up on the slippery floor helping him to find his balance while guiding him to the entrance of the dressing room. Our naked skin touching was innocently intimate, not sexual. I was helping him stay standing, my arms wrapped around his waist from behind, using the weight of my body to hold him up. I was vulnerable yet felt sure footed even though the ground was slippery.

When we finally got in the dressing room, we were showered off by automated showers along a conveyer then into a drying room, then dressed in these futuristic playsuits. As we walked out of the dressing rooms into the park, my anger had gone. It was all okay and we both felt some how different. Better.

Then I heard the garbage truck and I awoke and ran down stairs and outside. 

Dreamy Dance Part 1

My dreams this week have been vivid and so guiding. It's like I become more myself as I integrate what needs to happen in my subconscious while I sleep. At first, I felt great emotional pain as I longed to feel the freedom and love I was receiving in my dream... I longed to just stay asleep. SO I tried that for a day. I kept taking naps, at first it worked and then nothing. No dreams. The rest of me decidedly disagreed with that tactic.

Let me tell you about this dream I so longingly wanted to return to.

A new friend and I were at a community meeting in hawaii or bali, where a man I fell in love with last year, let's call him Mr. Dreamy, and his partner were the heading it. It was great and positive and we all knew our place and our roll. After, I went up to him, hadn't seen him in such a long time and we connected as beautifully as we had before as if no time had passed, words were few.

As my friend and I were leaving to get some food and grow our friendship, I stopped and said I had to go back and just tell him I love him. She patiently waited and witnessed. As I walked back one of his friends came up to me, gave me a hug and we danced this beautiful sensual flowing dance together, it was bliss and I was totally present with him and swept away. Yet when the dance came to an end my heart still desired Mr. Dreamy.

I took more steps toward him and another man came up to me to say hello and gave me a hug and we danced beautifully more energetic and sexually charged. Again bliss to experience as I was totally present and everything melted away in the bliss of the dance. I loved how my head fit on their shoulders and how our bodies moved in synchronise rhythm and intuitive knowing of one another's bodies. Yet still, when the dance ended I walked toward Mr. Dreamy.

Though he may be taller and not a fluid dancer, my heart still brought me to him. We met again, our connection electric, gentle, beautiful I said hello, he said hello, told me I am a beautiful dancer... I told him I loved him and he smiled gently with relief and we kissed. The kiss turned the dream into a whirl of colours and bliss.

When I landed my friend and I were then walking down the street to a cafe, laughing, talking, planning something... bonding.

It was such a lovely dream, though I woke up and with such grief and longing to return to it. From this I understood how I am shedding grief and all that keeps me from receiving the love and light of the universe and earth. So I can create my dreams in physical reality. I am a work in progress as we all are. I have allowed the universe to fill me up in small moments, which grow bigger and bigger with every new experience I allow.

The magic continued into waking life as I decided to wake up and get a grip...... 

FORGIVENESS: A PATH OF LOVE

Do we really know what it means to forgive?

Forgiveness has been a frequent visitor in my life, especially this year. I hear the messages the universe (and my higher self) send to me and continue to move further and deeper in the layers and levels of forgiveness. It first came powerfully into my conscious mind this year, when I visited Thailand and had a phenomenal and magical session with Mai, the local shaman-healer-massage woman in Haad Yuan, Koh Phangan.  Since then, forgiveness has been a practice for me throughout the year with amazing results and has brought ease and abundance. In this experience I have found two parts along the path of forgiveness, organic forgiveness and sought forgiveness.

As children most of us had parents that 'made us' apologise when we had hurt another.  It became something almost mechanical instead of genuine. I see this still with children, the difference between saying "I'm sorry" flippantly (- there it’s been said now we can get on with the business of playing) and a genuine remorse “I’m sorry” (-I feel pain for the pain I caused, and wish to make amends)  When the words are spoken without the genuine feelings the hurt party tends to hold a resentment or retaliate. However, when I have experienced and witness the second type of apology, forgiveness from the harmed party seems to flow naturally, easily and love flows smoothly.

What happens when: the genuine apology never comes? Or, when someone doesn’t know they’ve done anything to apologize for? Or, when someone apologises for something that felt good to you, leaving a feeling of rejection and/or confusion?
Sometimes the tender, innocent part of ourself is hurt and the reason for hurt becomes elusive to our mind, till resolution and peace is found in our heart. Often the story we have about what happened or why we’re upset is not the reality, but a reality, the upset tends to be much deeper and far more simple than the stories we create around our hurt.  
As we move deeper through the layers of self, what happens when one’s parents are the antagonists and there is no internal reference point for genuine forgiveness. Where one has hurt connected to the experience of love and does not, possibly cannot, consciously know of the hurt inside that is asking to be seen and loved and to forgive?  

When our base line for love is connected to hurt, life can become a confusing and negative patterns seemingly impossible to break. Especially, when forgiving one's self, often the hardest person to forgive. The solution can be simple. Having an experience of love connected to feeling good, gentle, healthy. However, creating a space to experience this may be more difficult.  On one of the last days of training in Birth Into Being, I sat up and blurted out “Oh my god! I didn’t know easy was on the menu of life!”  If we don’t know it’s available, we will never choose it.

When we seek within to forgive, sometimes we have to forgive the same person over and over. It is arrogant to believe that working on something means it’s healed or fixed forever and there is nothing more to do. I have seen and experienced countless times when I or another says “I’ve already looked at this, it’s done and healed, I don’t want to look at it again” Only to find by looking again at a relationship, a deeper healing and forgiveness happens. There does come a point when a previously hurt relationship becomes healthy, and when this happens there is no resistance to looking at the relationship.

I’m not advocating digging up and rehashing painful memories to wallow in your pain-body, AT ALL!  I am advocating taking honest stock of what you are holding in your physical and emotional bodies.  Seeing what you’re aware of, what you didn’t know you were aware of till you had a look, and what you can detect but are not aware of (through your shadow friends: resistance, fear, tiredness, resistance, etc).  It seems most of what we experience in life is a subconscious replaying of patterns, like we are hypnotised to act and react in certain ways, which lead to different types of dis-ease until such time as we are able to become aware of the unseen truths behind the stories we tell and believe.

In my estimation forgiveness is the doorway to freedom and enlightenment for yourself. Enlightenment is seen in a variety of ways by different cultures. The running theme through them all is to become more present to yourself and others by becoming more present to love consciousness (the universal essence energy that is everything) to the point where one experiences others as themselves. Enlightenment seems to literally lighten a person, they feel lighter mentally, emotionally and physically.     

“I seek my own enlightenment for the sake of others.”

—	Bodhisattva vow

To hold (whether aware or subconscious) hurt and anger in one or more of your bodies (mental, emotional and physical) is to carry a weight around with you. It’s like having a splinter, your skin will naturally over time eject the splinter and until it is out, there is an irritation or even pain that you feel until it is ejected out of the body or you pull it out with tweezers.  In this analogy the splinter is the hurt one holds onto, the tweezers are forgiveness. Forgiveness will happen naturally, and we have the choice to let our patterns run and ‘deal’ with the pain over time, till we find we’ve forgiven. Or, we can sit down and have a look under a magnifying glass and pull out  hurt with our tweezers of acceptance, compassion and forgiveness.

Current Lessons Of Life Condensed

♥ Awareness is the first step ♥ 

♥ Breath ♥ 

♥ Clarity ♥ 

♥ Action ♥ 

♥ All in the Flow of Co-Creation ♥

 

“When a coincidence and synchronicity collide, two apparently unbound events happen at the same time in the same place -what is known as a serendipity happens, what is otherwise described by the uninitiated as 'luck'.

To become initiated you must be capable of engineering synchronicities and coincidences or at least prompt or nurture

them. Whoever has the greatest possibility of processing their past, present and future to support exercise of as free a will as possible will typically be coordinating events across space, time and consciousness and slowly facilitating their gravitation towards one another into synchronicities, coincidences, serendipity and an inevitable, chosen, destiny." ~Jazz Rasool

“Courage, the original definition of courage when it first came into the English language- it’s from the Latin word cor, meaning heart - and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart…

This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee — and that’s really hard, a

nd I can tell you as a parent, that’s excruciatingly difficult — to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we’re wondering, ‘Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?’ just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, ‘I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.’”

~ Quote by Brene Brown, speaking about The Power of Vulnerability at TED

 "The more conscious I become the more work I am required to do." ~Avi Esther Shekinah

Hard lesson, but useful and humbling.

If life is getting easier you are not growing but simply getting comfortable. Challenge and Stretch always accompanies growth. If you are growing then your Past and Present will Support you more and more, challenging you less and less while your future will Challenge you more and more Stretching and Expanding your potential. If your future is getting easier or your past is getting harder..you're going the wrong way! ~Jazz Rasool

There is so much going on at the moment. I'm remaking my website, hosting a number of events, organizing, clearing out and cleaning up my house, launching a new promotion, seeing clients, reconnecting to friends and making new ones as well as letting go of connections that no longer serve (and for that allowing the space for grieving and rejoicing) AND that's just some of what I'm doing. 

There's also the being part of it all.... Being more present with my kids, showing up, on time with and for them. Making mediation a DAILY practice and allowing exercise to be part of that DAILY practice. When I have a daily practice I find my emotions are easy to allow to move through and I am joyful and in peace consistently... and this requires practice and diligence and well the development of mastery. Mastery over myself. 

Awareness is the first step. Breath carries me through to clarity and love. From clarity and love I can take actions that activate joy and love even more in myself and others, which brings abundance and the feeling of thriving. Often this coincides and synchronises with something and someone and I know I am co-creating with the universe. 

Till I have the space to write and share more... I love you all.... In my own way. 

Upon my Return

OMG! (yes OM My Goddess)!

It has been so long since I last wrote on my computer, to all you amazing wonderful people who have read and will read my words of self discovery and transparency of who I am. As I look back over the entries, both here and in my paper journals I clearly see the theme of romance and my longing for men....ultimately for my father.  After my long adventures in Thailand and California, I feel a shift from my focus being on, ‘in love with some man’ to ‘being happy and whole in myself and the work I offer in this world’. The axis of my world is shifting and there is no going back.

How I would like to tell you of my journeys and every time I sit to write something new has happened, so I am just writing and will interweave the tales of my travels here and as I continue to write to you all.

My marriage officially ended on Beltane, May 1st 2012 which synchronised with the day I began assisting my teacher, Elena Tonetti-Vladimerova as she trained a new group of apprentices. The experience of assisting was magical. I played with being totally me, totally transparent, and full of the loving joy that bursts and flows and trickles out of me. I played with the questions of “how big is too big?”  “If show all of me big and small, will I still be accepted and loved?” “can I let go of wanting my father to show up for me and accept everything as it has been and is?”

Along my journey I experienced answers to these questions and found new questions. The most amazing experience answer happened once I returned home. The answer to a question I last asked in December. In a flood of despair and tears I blurted out to God(dess) “I just want to be happy, how do I do that?” Genuinely happy, from the inside, not the mask of joy. Here is the answer I received in through my journey.

Since I returned back to the UK June 6th, Venus transit, all my attachments have been challenged. My attachments to: living with my children, my right to care for my children, having a physical home to live in, money coming in, and knowing what to do or how to fix these perceived losses. The first thing I did was cry, I mean sob for 2 ½ hours while I danced on the 5 rhythms dance floor, in Chalk Farm. I felt like something inside me was dying. I moved the emotions in my body and let them go, let them leave. Then I grew clear that this really fucking bugged me (as I had been bitten quite badly at night where I was sleeping) and I didn’t like it, I simply accepted this. Joy returned to my heart and I centred myself in peace. I allowed the universe to guide me through my friends, to a good place to stay while I allow something more permanent to manifest.

[I’d like to be clear about my beliefs on manifesting. It is both me manifesting and allowing what I experience and others who come forward with the mutual benefit of what is being created between us. I take responsibility for my part and send gratitude for their part and love both of us. perceived good and bad alike. Ultimately the universe is always listening and providing what we ask for. The clearer the channel and question, the clearer the response.]

So in this physical space of ‘not having’ what I previously believed I needed, I am genuinely happy. I have stayed happy and centred and shared my joy with everybody.. freely. So Happiness isn’t about having something, even as dear as being home with my children. It’s a feeling that is inside, just like peace and it’s always there regardless of anything outside of self. What I am even more clear about is, I like and enjoy living with my kids and being supported with them. I like and enjoy supporting others, especially children! I like and enjoy having a stable home and comfortable bed. I like and enjoy having lots of money!
There is enough of everything.

By letting go of the things I identified myself with, I feel free to fully express me. To live transparently and in integrity with my set of values, while respecting and honouring those around me. This was fully made real when I crashed my car. In a single moment I found myself spun around in the middle of a cross roads, shaken and in shock and completely safe, unharmed. The front of my car was completely smashed. The guy in the big Land Rover (which seemed unharmed) was concerned and very kind, we even hugged before parting. He helped me out of my car and his friend then happened to show up and helped my car out of the middle of the cross roads. I am aware of how two men in big Land Roving trucks helped me, and how receptive of their help I was. I sat in the grass on the side of the country lane and felt the ground under me, touching the soil with my hands. I pulled at the tall grass and cursed and released the anger that arose. Tears streamed out of my eyes and I stayed totally present with the shock I felt, as I exchanged information with the person who I ran into, then accepted a ride with the friend, to my friends a short distance away.

That evening was beautiful and I was taken care of by my friend and her husband. They kept beautiful company and I was graciously received. It was wonderful to just be as I was, and be transparent and vulnerable and speak honestly. To listen to them and respond clearly. I am abundantly grateful to them for their kindness and for the friends I have, new ones and old ones alike. I feel truly blessed and am letting go more and more of the idea, I have to do it alone. I am growing more comfortable with knowing I can ask for help when I need it, and be available to receiving it. I am settling into the community I have around me (here and globally), and finding my place.

here comes a song....•♪♫• Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold. A circle’s round it has no end, and that’s how long I will be your friend.•♪♫•

I stayed at theirs over night, in the morning, I called the insurance company to be told there is nothing they can do about it. The woman on the phone apologized for 2 minutes straight, even when I said “It’s not your fault, it’s the insurance company, they’re just evil. I hope you have a really nice day.” All she could say was “I’m sorry”. I guess I needed to hear that a couple hundred times. My friend and I drove out to my car, left broken on the side of the road. I pushed the parts that hung on the ground up, and drove my car back home.... slowly. I felt shame rise up as I drove then the hurried desire to just be where I was going as I turned the last corner to the village I live in. How I saw patterns run within me. The presence, attention and love I gave to myself moved the emotions and shifted the patterns out, and patience grew.

That evening at sunset I sat in the garden and ‘I want to die’ came out in my thoughts. I gave it my loving attention and asked myself “Do you want to die?” I asked all the parts of me and heard ‘no’ from my body, ‘no’ from my heart, ‘I want to go home’ from my spirit. So I said “Go home, then” Cool energy flooded my heart and flowed down my arms. “That’s it!” an epiphany and a whole stream of images from my life passed before my inner eye. “I choose to be Alive, and Fully Thrive.” hot energy moved up from the earth through my feet up my legs as cool energy flowed down my scalp moving in spirals up and down my body culminating in my heart and out my arms. My body vibrated and glowed. “I choose to be Alive, and Fully Thrive.” Deep breaths as I settled into the intensity.  I had never really 100% in alignment made that choice. Now I have.

In this experience I let go of my car, the scrap man is coming around to pick it up and will give me £150 to take care of my car. I let go of the part of me that wanted to die, and moved in love and life.

This is only part of all that has happened since my return, the story continues with even more magic and shifting free....... more to follow soon <3