Unknown knowing of love

I guess I needed the finish line of the absolute ending of my marriage to finally be able to honestly look at what is under the anger, the hurt, the sadness. Over the last year when I sat in peace and reflected on my marriage I felt acceptance with the coming finality of divorce.

Now, I sit in peace and reflection and I see how in the last year of separation I felt more supported by my husband than I did in our marriage. I am so grateful to be who I am, right now and he is a part of my journey. I keep thinking, if I had felt this freedom and support with our children in our marriage, would I not have felt so passionate about getting out? Feeling trapped and unsupported in being who I am and the loss of my passion for life, killed me inside. I felt resentful and that lead to rejection and the loss of intimate passion between us. We worked so hard on our marriage. I worked so hard to support him, to see him succeed. When I tried to do the same for myself, I felt undermined. I suppose in the end I just wanted to know beyond it all that he really loved me and what I found was empty words. I could see and feel the love he held, but I didn't see it in his actions and honestly after a life of being let down by the men in my life; it's the actions that I experience as more real than any words.

It seemed while married I couldn't make friends. I tried and it just didn't work which was strange for me as I've always been a person to make friends easily. I kept choosing him, over the new people I'd meet... until I didn't. Until I chose something different. It wasn't as simple as another man I chose to stay friends with, it was the inspiration I felt from the friendship, from the love. I chose the person I felt inside me that woke up and wanted to stay, wanted to grow. The person who felt crushed under the weight of our marriage. The surreal part in this portion of the story is this beloved friend's words didn't meet his actions either. He would not say he loved me, he would even reject me with his words. Yet his actions always showed me that he cared and loved me. His words would push me away and his actions would draw me in. I experienced him showing up for me when I needed him, and he continues to do so in our friendship.

In this whole part of the story, I now understand what I wish in a romantic relationship. For me, it is having a dear friend who's actions and words are congruent in their love and support of one other AND having an intimate, sexual and passionate relationship. It's this combination that is the stuff romance is made of. It's what inspires a man to play with the woman he loves, because seeing her face light up and watching her fill up with love makes his being soar. Knowing he must protect her by loving her with all of his resources; this is how I love and what I wish to see in the mirror of my beloved.

Over the weekend I lead a workshop that I magnificently held and I experienced the beginning mastery of a healing art. If I could have myself, the person I am, and my marriage I would. If I could have shed all the stuff that kept me from seeing and being the person I am, while married, I would have. However, it turned out that I couldn't and now the dead line is approaching and it seems like it's over. I wish to be consistent and not cause any further heartache or confusion so I write here to see if I can become completely clear about my choice. I don't know if I'm just afraid of not being married any more; of it being completely over.

I would like my words and actions to grow trust and communication between me and my almost-ex-husband. However, I think to myself, “It's too late, it's all too ruined now” and then I think “It's not over till it's over. It's not the end till it's the end.” I never wished to hurt him in any way, and I am deeply sorry that my actions did cause hurt. I can and am letting go of the guilt and shame that hurting him created in me, it does not serve any of us to carry this in my heart and body. I know what ever happens, I will grow from this experience and be even better for it now I have the ability to thrive, no matter what. I don't know if we could make it work. If what either of us wants is to be together in a marriage. I can see he loves me, and I love him and I sit here and I wonder is that enough.

Is love enough for a marriage to survive?

Do our visions of the future match up? Do our values align? It always felt like a constant compromise instead of a willing collaboration. Could that change? Or is what I'd like to do with my life and how I'd like to live it not compatible with what he'd like to do with his life and how he'd like to live it?

What I know: I love him. I love him and will always love him, nothing will change that. I care for him deeply and am grateful everyday that he came into my life and asked me to marry him. I have no idea what the future holds and I'm excited and curious to experience it unfold. I'm afraid to totally let go of his hand and I have to let go. Our separation and divorce is sad and life changing and freeing. A part of me loves the story that starts like ours and is salvaged just when all seems lost....... and I'm a sucker for a good 'romance' story.

See, I don't know if that's what all the parts of my being really want, because I don't know if he could really man up with me. I need a strong man by my side who can really be a man and love me like a man loves a woman. I know I push hard because that's how I know it's steady to walk there, that's how I know I can open up and let go.

After I wrote this, I listened. I listened to my breath, my heart, the wind and weather. I decided to take my children out for dinner. To have fun with them, enjoy ourselves and I listened. As I listened, they listened. I just allowed myself to be where I was and stay open. I wondered at it all. My best friend called and we spoke, I relayed to her my steadiness with all that is going on within me and whatever happens I feel accepting and at peace with the outcome. Still I wondered. At the end of the meal the manager gave me a discount coupon and asked if he would see us again. He said I could bring my partner and when I made a comment indicating I don't have a partner he said I could eat with him. Then as we were walking out the door a lover called. The manager followed us to the door, and said goodbye. As I got my children in the car I looked up and saw the moon, Venus and Jupiter all aligned. My intuition, my heart and my mind, all aligned. An understanding that it's all alright and everything is as it aught to be passed through me. Still in the face of not knowing, I feel calm and in my ease.

New Me Year

As the new lunar year approaches, Monday 23 January 2012, I am reflecting on the last year of my life, my marriage, separation, and the lovers I have chosen. I see the patterns, understand the reasons why I chose what I have. In my marriage I was stuck, I needed to be stuck. Before I may have moved fast, very fast and hard yet I was trapped like an animal in a cage. So through the slow, frustrating movement I experienced in my marriage, the compression of all that was keeping me trapped created a bomb of sorts. I reached a point where I had to do something, I had to break out of the cage I was stuck in. What I found was love. I fell 'in love' and this love ignited the constraints around me, burning a hole for me to pass through. I began to experience pleasure like I hadn't known in a very long time and equal amounts of pain.

I began to heal the scars around my sexuality and this opened up my whole life to being who I am, and finding the work I deeply feel I am on this earth to do. I love this man still, even if we're not meant to be together in a sexual loving partnership. This is also true about my ex-husband.

At the beginning of this calendar year I had a sexual experience and while making love my whole body became the cosmos. When I looked into my lover's eyes, light poured out of them and his whole body was bathed in light. I closed my eyes again and I was the vastness of all mater. My hands held the gravity of a black hole at the centre of my being and he and I spiralled around this power. I could have gone further into this experience, and yet I needed to stop. To integrate the experience. My orgasms surpassed my body and brought me up high into this experience. I think about attachment and non-attachment as I digest this experience I had with a man I am not attached to. I love him, but I do not wish to be in a partnership with him. The experience was healing, opening, ecstatic and I am grateful for it.

If it weren't for the birth into being work and moving through such darkness inside me, I don't know that I could have expanded my physical pleasure in such a huge way. As I integrate and reflect, I think about August 2011 the last time I had sex before training in the Birth into Being work. Where I felt my lovers energy surge through me as I surrendered to him. When I was trying so hard not to be in love with this man, to keep it casual because I knew that's what he wanted, how my heart hurt and soared at the same time. Now, with so much cleared, sex is very different. The emotional pain is gone. My skin has more sensations. There were moments where I could feel every pleasure cell on my skin. The only thing I can compare it to is being on the drug ecstasy, from what I remember of it in my youth. It's better though, no hang-over and complete clarity and the ability to use the experience to grow and create what I'd like in my life.

I have more clients in one month than I had in 4 months last year. My children and I are so much more harmonious at home and they have become more gentle and listen better. My son is growing and the healthiest he's been in a while. I am still aware of patterns I'd like to shift, and they feel smaller and easier. There is just less drama. It's funny, before the Birth into Being work I was afraid if I really changed I would loose myself. The amazing thing is I feel more myself than I ever have before. I'm still me, just a better version of me and I look forward to everything I am creating this year. 

I see myself in sessions; holding the space and powerfully intuitive and empathic. Watching amazing people come out of their cages and experience who they really are. I have moments of thinking “Wow, this is me.” and the love I feel for myself grows deeper. The deeper I love myself, the deeper I love others outside myself. Even those I don't really know and especially those I do know. It seems more and more clear to me, that I don't need to be with anyone to love them. I don't need to have a relationship with them. Even when I don't wish to be around someone, it doesn't mean I've stopped loving them. It's the opposite. I love them more because choosing to be apart is better for me and them. The same is true for those who I've grown closer to, I love them more because being in each other's company is what is better for me and them.

My biggest attachment are my children. It's hard to let them go, to be their own persons. Especially at such young ages. To allow them the space they need to be who they are, not who I think they should be. To trust them on their own paths. To really experience the fact , they came through me and are not mine.



For more information about the birth into being work please look at: http://www.birthintobeing.com/events-a-workshops   

Information about an upcoming birth into being workshop in Hackney, London can be found here:
http://peacefulbirthuk.blogspot.com/2012/01/birth-into-being.html?spref=bl
and
http://sacredpleasures.co.uk/birthintobeing/

Pieces of Peace in the Dark

There is a change within me. Something subtle yet unmistakably different. An awareness of a change within me that is in line with, or preceding, a change that is happening outside of me. For months I have been aware of this process of saying goodbye to places and memories, that have not had closure for me from the last 5 years and beyond. Awareness of places within me where I have been hanging on to something... mostly pain. With this awareness comes a sense of peace. The lost feelings have a chance and space to be, which allows closure. Allows them to find their peace and place in the wholeness of my being.

With the adventure of life before me, I feel like I am ready to engage in it. Not from a place of angst, where I have to go, or do, because if I don't I'll die.... no. From a place of curiosity and a gentle knowing that life can be, and is, better than what I have created as of yet. Both fear and excitement flop around in me like clothes in a tumble dryer, and with breath both subside and courage is just there.

I started this blog, so I could be honest with myself by sharing my understanding of my inner world with others. With you. Hold myself accountable and take responsibility. What has happened has been so much greater. My fear of being me in the world is subsiding and I have found acceptance of myself being in this world. I judge myself less.

It feels like the end of this year and the beginning of next year have a theme of goodbyes. Divorce, moving to a different part of the UK, letting go of some friends.... And I understand that these goodbyes allow for new beginnings. A space to create bliss and peace, to move closer to other friends, meet new friends, grow my work, and allow relationships in all areas that are truly nourishing. So I'm stepping up to the mourning of what has passed and what is passing, giving thanks for all.  I'm curious about what is to come and totally unsure about exactly how it will look, or exactly who will be apart of my life. There are some knowns, and a whole lot more unknowns. That is the adventure of life and I'm ready to journey along it from a place of personal power and self knowing.

I have purged myself in the fire of pain and fear, and now I can grow a different way, with pleasure and love and lots and lots of breath. The impatience of getting to the finish line is waning, and anxiety of not knowing the future eases as I let go of feeling so out of control... those old childhood feelings. I see that I am in control as I pick up the remote control of life, and start using it. Uncomfortable in the unfamiliar-ness of this experience, I am shedding and growing in solid ways. Something that feels sustainable, held, safe. I am experiencing the world in new and enjoyable ways, where I feel more empowered than ever before... and without force.

I had always tried to push and force my way in the world... it never worked very well, as there was a lot of resistance. Now it's like, I can just be within myself and choose what is best for me and the world lines up to allow it to happen. There's no pushing or force needed. That's not to say I feel no push or force... I just now understand when I'm feeling that, there's old stuff to be released and that's not the direction I want to being moving in, it's something in me that is asking to be cleaned up or let go of.

The last couple dark months can be summed up by Lady Gaga.

“I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight

I'm gonna marry the dark
Gonna make love to this dark
I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I am a winner”

Within the Chrysalis

I am my work, my magnum opus. I work most hard and diligent on myself and am now allowing that hardness to soften, as I smooth the rough edges from all the chiselling, moulding and forming. Different tools are required for this stage and it turns out I have everything I need. It has been a painful and excruciatingly sad journey to where I am, which has been magnified in the last month. Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova has been a solid light to guild my way, her words brought me great understanding and awareness about what is happening to me right now, here is some of what she said:

“Open-mindedness vs inflexibility = expansion vs contraction... we need both! it's the Breath of Life... on some issues we have to explore and open more, on some - we need to hold our ground and be strong; the trick is to recognize in any given situation which one it is :)
The biggest obstacle to flexibility is our deep fear of loss of identity, on some level, attached to certain perception of the world. It is rarely about the actual subject in the particular story -

There is a quintessential difference between 'loneliness' and 'solitude'. Pain and sadness are the best teachers until we learn to grow through love and pleasure. Closing up is the best surviving strategy until we learn to enjoy life through opening and shifting of our own perception settings.- with shifted perception and open heart, we learn who we are and what we are made of; or get broken if we can't open. Options are many... and suffering is optional, too.”

I'd like to share with you my journey over the last month, mostly so I can digest the experience as I move into the next phase. Some of this I have already shared, though my words and the feeling that describes the experience are different. 

 

On the first day of my last period I sunk so low I could not get up, I didn't want to be here on earth. The next day my whole body broke out in hives as I moved deeper into the chasm of grief that has been at the centre of my life. I survived the chasm and release more and more of it every day. I have and am moving through these foundational wounds that have paralysed me through out my life.

Since the 'birth into being' training it seems all of the stuff I've not even known was there has and is coming up. My new favourite process is in the bath, something about being held in the water allows me to access gestational trauma and feelings, and screaming underwater is actually quite nice.......... The chaos within seems never ending, yet I have these moments where there is clarity and wisdom is coming out of my mouth. When it comes to healing work, no matter the chaos or emotional churning, a peace comes through me where clarity and wisdom pour out. There's a brief moment of, "hm, I'm ok" before the the floods of chaos pour over me again....... 

 

I'm so lonely here. I miss my 'birth into being' community, so much. I miss being one of many who is passionate about the work we do, the life we choose, and being a member of a community working toward something... instead of being the weird mum in a random village. With no family and my friends spread all over the UK and the world, winter has felt bleak. I had this unquantifiable desire to return home... not a place on earth, but that space beyond where we are together as a tribe. 

 

The sadness and the anger continue to come up and out and I am supporting myself. The man whom I've referred to in my previous blogs as my beloved, has been a source of strength, support, and light. Over the last year I have have wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, and not wanting to be in a committed relationship of any kind. I have been infatuated with him, both attracting and repulsing in my self-denied chaos. On my birthday I saw him as, not the person he is but, a body I projected my father/brother needs on. He held me and a space for me to be 'in my crazy'. I felt grateful for the friendship and glad the romantic feelings were gone. 

 

When I reached the climax of the negative feelings and the desire for death had me tight in her clutches, he was the only one who picked up the phone. When my body broke out in hives, he found me and held me and allowed me to scream and cry. When I felt broken he showed me a reflection of myself being able to support me. From that experience I found my strength and resolve, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” the little engine that could, began to puff within me as I started my journey up the internal mountain of Ptart (past trauma's acting as real threats). 

 

Then the infatuation returned, the voice saying things like “but he cares about you so much, he must love you, why doesn't he want to be me, maybe it will still happen when we sort ourself out...” to the horror of the rest of me, which looked at that voice with a shaking head and thought “here we go, again. Can you leave it alone? Not ruin something really good?” Then a me that was not these two monkey mind voices became aware of this internal dialogue and saw the infatuation I had been in denial of. Which silences the two bickering voices. Inspired I began to look at the infatuation and follow it like a trail. I saw how before this man, there was another and another and another.. I followed it back to the age of 5. With this new awareness the ability to separate the infatuation from the man became possible. It's not him...in fact I can't even seen him through the filter of my infatuation. Which is sad, because he truly is an amazing man.

I got in the bath ready to process the infatuation. I breathed myself into an altered state, floating in the the water, till the feeling emerged. Tears and terror, longing and fear as the first sobs pass my lips something new happened... pleasure. A wave of this wonderful sensation passed over my skin from my heart out. A pulse of pleasure. My eyes grew wide, in all the years of process work this sensation usually doesn't arrive till the end, if at all.... and there it was. Taking a deep breath I returned to the infatuation which I was still aware of, I followed it back to infant-hood as I longed for my father, another sob came out, a big long wailing sob. When it finished again this pleasure sensation waved through my body. So on and on I went like this I continued; sobbing, sighing and laughing. Till my head and shoulders began to twitch, then my feet and leg, so I exaggerated the shaking that was happening to my body. It felt seizure like, and I couldn't tell if I was doing it or if it was happening to me. There was no fear as I could sense this was my bodies way of resetting and integrating this new experience.

Maybe it's turning 30. Maybe it's choosing to do the apprenticeship training with Elena, followed closely by my 30^th birthday, signing final divorce papers, acknowledging I don't feel supported in my physical community and deciding to do something about it. Maybe it's Channukah and Christmas approaching and not knowing where I belong. Every aspect of my life feels churned up, unsure, in a state of gooey transformative chaos.... and some how what started very painfully and climaxed in ultimate fear and desire of death is transforming into pleasure, wisdom, gentleness and moments of great ease in my power and clarity.

Everything has come up for reappraisal. I'm growing closer to being able to step out from my inner chaos and self absorption, to really hear those who are closest to me. To really see the people I love most. Especially, those who have really been there and supported me through the worst of the darkness I descended into. It seems the people who I am closest to are the ones who it's hardest for me to be there for. This imbalance is self correcting. I am beginning to see in my mind's eye, myself and children living in a physical community where we are supported to thrive and are loved and respected as we love and respect and support our community. A place where my business is plentiful and abundant. Where I am finally available to being in a partnership with an amazing man, who is my equal.

I am stepping into the woman I am. The 'absurd' 'idealistic' view of a unified, sustainable, loving world is being strengthened and my resolve to create that in my life grows. I am ready to be the change I long to see in the world, to release the longing and allow myself and it all to just be.

Dream within a Dream

The title of this blog comes from a poem by Edgar Allen Poe, which asks “is all that we see or seem but a dream with in a dream?”

From the exploration of the unseen table, I fell down the rabbit whole of my wonderland. Where grief and anger twist and spin as silk lengths of fabric being spun by an aerial dancer.

This morning, it feels like things are falling down around me, breaking around me. Anger and grief present though not paralysingly like Friday, or maddening like Saturday, or confusing like Sunday. Yesterday I went to the grocery store with my two children and felt like I accomplished something. When carrying the bags into my house some bags ripped and a glass fell shattering on the ground and my kids were crying and yelling at me and demanding from me. Still, I made dinner, and sorted the rubbish and took out the bins for the garbage men in the morning. I began to wash the mounting dishes that collected from Friday's paralysis. I spoke to a friend, and in the conversation I was more myself. So for these small things I give myself praise. To have entered the rabbit whole of my darkest dread and found the ability to function. To still be alive feels like I have conquered Hades himself. Though, like in the story of Orpheus, I have not yet reach the topside and the urge to look back scratches beneath the surface of my skin. This may sound strange or illogical and it's not logical. It's emotional, it's physical, it's entirely pre-verbal. 

I still find myself wanting to distract and pull away from the abyss of pain, to cover it up again... and some greater part of me is not allowing this. The falseness is soon itched away by the threat to recover my body in hives or it is smashed away, by a falling holiday decoration or small external reminders to just stay present with these feelings. Contrary to positive thoughts create a positive reality, it seems by staying honest with myself and staying present with these long buried pain emotions and the past thoughts and patterns, I have the experience inside and the external things aren't needed.

Further, I thought I needed someone to go into the darkness with me or I'd get lost and die. Instead, alone I found myself there open in the deep pain that needed to come out and be acknowledged. I was able to feel it, experience it again and hold myself lovingly.

I have ventured into the darkness of my first heartbreak, which for me happen in the womb. Tied up with it was my second heartbreak and I have a niggling feeling my third heartbreak all which happened at a very young age. I have endured holding this pain inside me completely unaware it was there. Now I am typing about it in a relatively sane way and at very least able to string sentences together, which to be honest was a challenge a couple days ago. 

My hope is that I read back on this blog a year from now and appreciate how happy I am and just how far I've come with this body, in this life.

Lastly I'd like to share a dream with you that I had last night:

The Dream:

I was at the party of this famous spiritual, well renowned, amazing artist. At a point in the party he invited everyone to the hall to see his latest exhibition inspired by many in attendance. Most everyone rushed to the door and out into the hall. I could hear mummers and oo's and laughter. I stayed on the couch, I knew there was nothing about me out there, and there were so many people and I didn't really know any one or think anyone really liked me, or wanted me there. So I sat on the couch with my drink, in my pretty dress alone. The artist came in the room looking for something. He saw me and smiled, and walked straight over to me.

“Ah, there you are, darling.” He said and sat down next to me taking my free hand. “I've been looking for you, why are you not out in the hall with everyone else?” He asked.

“I thought I'd look after everyone else was done, there are so many people out there, it's very crowded.” I replied.

He looked at me and a warm smile spread across his face. “Come I want to show you something.” He took the glass from my hand and placed it on the table. He stood up and pulled me to my feet, wrapping my arm inside his arm and holding my arm tightly, he walked me into the hall.

There were paintings and sculptures and darkness and colour, it was almost too much to take in. People were entranced with the various pieces of art.

“This is my portrait collection, in this exhibition.” He announced.

I looked up and saw these pieces of art, people's faces delicately sculpted onto white eggshell coloured stone, painted and set into paper lined wood, where the body and background were drawn and water coloured. Then he stopped walked and turned

“I had never met you, see, so I didn't know how to draw you. You kept coming into my mind, but I had never met you. I've heard so much about you and I am so looking forward to seeing you in your process, how you work is intriguing and beautiful and I do look forward to see you more. So this is what came out about you.”

I looked up and saw this beautiful pearl white, gold swirled cream egg, about a foot long, set in black iridescent purple velvet within a green, spiral vine, flowered box. Below it said:

Egg of Being

Avi Esther

The card was hand written in black ink, on a cream coloured card. I stood there in shock, tears welled in my eyes. There was a piece here I inspired, and my name was in the title. I didn't even know this man, yet some how he knew and loved me.

“I have a place, here.” I said to him almost questioningly. “How?” I asked.

“I've heard so much about you,” He said “There's quite a buzz around these part, we're all interested in what you're doing, how you're doing it. And look, there's more.” He said spinning me and taking a step forward down the hall.

“ After I finished that piece, inspired by you, it was so beautiful I had to make more.” As I looked there was a whole row of eggs, beautiful iridescent multicoloured stone eggs, each unique and patterned in the most extraordinary fractal way.

“They are beautiful! How did you make the pattern on them?” I asked.

As he explained his process to me, it settled in that some how I had inspired not just a piece of art, but a whole collection. Having never met this man, what I was doing in my life, how I am being inspired such beauty. Such visual and craft genius. I felt touched, humbled and confused. Little me, who's always felt with out a place of belonging, felt included. Felt important, just for being me. Standing in my dream, in a hall of creations.

This Moon Rising

As I flew back to London from Belfast I watched a blood red moon rise from the horizon. I watched her move up in the sky turning orange then yellow and finally white. On the ground the moon's fullness rising up from red through orange and yellow into white would have been unseen.... I sense an analogy being offered to me, and am not quite attuned enough to fully decipher it's meaning.

The training with Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova was everything I hoped it would be and more. I strongly recommend it to anyone and everyone who is interested http://www.birthintobeing.com/events-a-workshops . I am filled with inspiration for what I would like to create in my life and trust it will all unfold in perfect time. I know practically where I am and the direction I am going in. This is all I need right now. Over the 10 day training I dove into myself, the great microcosmic ocean within. I did in 10days more moving and healing then 5 years of psychotherapy. The insight and clarity I have now is still unfolding as I move through my daily life.

So many emotions have been stirred in me since my return. The greatest gift has been a clarity that has been quite surprising in the way I am experiencing it. The clarity is different than past feelings of clarity. It has come in a way that I can see stories I've created around why I've done what I've done or made the choices I have made. I'm looking at the stories about my life and the people in it and slowly the stories seem to me like just that, stories. The truth is I don't know why I've done a lot of what I've done, a lot of the stories don't really fit any more. I'm clear that I needed those stories to move me in a direction I sensed, on some level, I needed to move in.

A friend told me a story about an experiment Freud did before creating psychotherapy. He and his associates took a woman and hypnotised her to not see a table in the middle of a large room. When she emerged from the altered state they asked her about what she saw in the room... she listed the things and people except for the table. Then they asked her to walk to them, the table being between her and them. The woman walked around the table. When she reached them, they asked her if she noticed how she walked to them and asked her why she walked in a giant loop around the room. She had an answer of course as to why she walked the way she did to them, still unaware of the giant table in the middle of the room.

This is a perfect story to illustrate the clarity I feel. I'm not clear about a story, so I can feel safe. It's the opposite, in a way. It's being totally unsure about a story, or the stories and feeling extremely exposed. The stories are unravelling and with them the emotional ties that have kept me, obsessed or anxious or having to believe... though feeling safe. It's really strange to explain and I hope I'm doing this experience and inner understanding justice with my words.

For years there has been a giant table in the middle of my life that I have not wanted to look at, most of the time being completely unaware of it.  Having very believable stories about sinking into depression or suddenly move house, or marry a man I'd only known for a day, or think about killing myself, or fall in love with another man and ending my marriage, or any of the countless other things I have done, felt or thought. When I would gimps a side of this table it felt so dangerous that I could not fully look, it felt unsafe. So I'd make up a story and walk around the table feeling completely clear and sure about my story and why I was walking this way. Feeling safe. This has worked for me and kept me alive and safe, until now.

One part of the giant table is a chasm of grief that has sat in my life as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would feel it's effects, I remember being depressed on the sofa of after school childcare wondering why I was alive and wanting to die, I was 9 maybe 10. It was just before my birthday.

Since the training with Elena and seeing Amma at Alexandra Palace it's like I've walked into the darkness of an unseen room and up to the giant, chasmic table of grief and put my hands out to explore what I can not see. With my proverbial hands I have felt not wanting to be alive, and instead of it consuming me and pulling me into its lost gravity of grief, I am pulling it. I have more gravity. It is coming out and I can see it for what it is, just a feeling.

I put my hands out again to explore the table and I find worthlessness, unlovableness which has had me scrounging on the floor for scraps from other's tables. Again, I have more gravity and I am pulling it. I can see the stories I've created that have kept me surviving on these scraps and am thankful I have survived. I can see it for what it is, just feelings and stories. 

This table has felt like the scariest monsters my imagination could conceive. Like if I were to see it I would die. This journey I have under gone to see what has previously been unseen, reminds me of the ending scene of the film 'Labyrinth'. Where the protagonist says to antagonist "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me" 

The more of this table my hands explore, the more I am able to see the table, clean the table, and see that it's just a table. That it is has no power except for what power I give it, making it possible for me to see what has always been present. Making it possible for me to sit down at this giant table and have a feast in honour of all that I am. Those I love will sit with me and we will feast on being alive and worthy and loveable and what ever else I find as I search in the darkness for truth.

Scattered Connections

With 5 and half hours till I'm ment to be waking up for my flight to Belfast, and a sink full of dirty dishes to be washed and dried, I find myself sitting on my bed room floor toenails wet and drying with an over whelming desire to write. To write right now, because if I don't write, the change will take over and I won't remember this phase of my transformation. Memory is funny like that.

I've been swinging between my mother wounds and father wounds. One comes up to be released and healed, then the other like perpetual turn style. Again the sexualization of the father came up yesterday. A man (who is my father's age) and I began a conversation and in that conversation decided to merge our chakras. What came up powerfully for me was the longing to feel this love and support, nurturing from my father.... from a father. Where the conversation ended was with him speaking into the idea of us being tantric lovers, and possibly twin flames. To which I must admit I feel disheartened by. The connection was beautiful and I've had similar connections before, though I was not heard when I said this. Further, I slipped into being polite and not feeling able to speak my truth, with the stirred father wound. He insisted this connection was special and unlike any other; all connections are unique and beautiful and I often hear the amazement and wonder and desire from men (and some women) who energetically merge and connect with me. The question of who I am that they feel the way they do... I don't know who I am to them... perhaps simply a reflection. I find it curious and wonder about who I am. When I slide into quiet my answer comes, love. I am love. This is not unique or different from any other soul in existence, I simply express myself as I do which is unique to me.

Tonight a friend of mine randomly... or synchronisely....brought up the draco's. Then said “You're on you're journey of Love, God is a aware of you and shows you signs, symbols and synochronicities in you're everyday life. You already know this. The Universe speaks to you through people at the right time. You are being brave working through personal darkness and issues (which we all have). I'm a medium and have mentioned the Dracos because you will eventually come up against them in you're work towards the light”

I don't know how, but in some way these two experiences are connected. It seems like after so many years of putting together the sychronisities after the whole series of experiences have happened, I am able to now understand slowly what is being communicated to me. Though I'm still not sure at this moment, I just know to keep my eyes open, love, and trust myself completely.

These last two weeks have been life changing. The 27^th I could not sleep I would slip into altered space, a realm between awake and asleep, and dream while awake in my bed. I was stirred out of that by a growing headache and by the seventh time I became aware of the pain I had a full migraine. I went down and took a bath. I lit a candle and began to soak. Almost immediately a fear came up, I recognized this feeling and said “Ok I feel fear”. At that moment the candle went out. The fear tripled, and almost in panic I stopped took a breath and said to myself, “Ok I have a choice to make. I can do what I've always done, run away, or I can say yes to the fear” So I said yes to the fear and I loved the fear and the fear disappeared. I then fell into a space with in and with out. At first I saw light coming from my body in my periphery vision. Then my vision expanded and I could see all this light, spheres of light in me. I could feel my body safe and allowed myself to let go into this experience. I was inside and outside myself, it was all myself. I can't quite relate my experience in full, it's too much for my mind to digest. At some point I was stirred out of my trance by the sound of a rooster, the sky was still dark, then an owl responded. That got my attention. It happened 7 times and after the 7^th time the slightest bit of light was discernible from the window. My migraine was completely gone, I got out of the bath and went straight to sleep, deeply and soundly.

As I type this the owl who responded to the rooster is calling outside my window and a plastic bottle just popped which made my heart jump and tingle. Something is moving... in me outside of me... something is moving. This is where it gets really fun... today I heard something which sheds light on the irrational fear I've felt these past couple days. “The ego perceives change like death.” I'm not just changing, I'm transforming at rapid speeds. A year ago I was a shadow of who I am now. Once again with speed I am changing only when I stand on the other side of change will I see what has changed. One part of what is moving in me is I am learning how to direct my wonderful light and create myself wholly positive. I am remembering experientially who I am.

Hey maybe I'll become a superhero and get to battle giant dragons!!! Maybe all the superhero dreams I've had were preparation. He he he... who knows! Anything is possible.... right? Again and again this word dragon comes up in my awareness, I'm actually excited to see what manifests. What ever it is, it in line with my growth to freedom.

It's so nice to be blogging again... I've missed this space.  Love to you all.