Over the last 2 weeks I haven't slept
very much, my days have been filled with festivals and gigs and
beautiful connections with beautiful people. When dreams have come
they have mostly been of spending time with a man I'm in love with,
mundanely magical time spent with one another.
It started 3 nights ago, waking without
memory or feeling from dreamtime. At first very dreamless deep sleep,
long sleep, naps... as my body rested and caught up on rest from 2
weeks of playing and working hard with little rest.
After returning from Secret Garden
Party there was something dark I felt within me. Shifts happening all
around me. An ex-boyfriend's facebook request triggering long
forgotten rage, from a time when all the things I identified myself
with began to drop away, leaving me scared, confused and lost. A time
when I accepted sex for love, and sacrificed my happiness out of
compassion for others which lead ultimately to me marrying a man the
day after meeting. Then of course a message comes in from my wasband
requesting to create a ceremony to call all the beings who witness
our beach marriage together to witness our dissolution. Owning the
love we cary for one another and the pain of being in romantic
relationship with one another. Finally accepting, it seems, us not
working as a romantic couple. Old patterns clearly showing their
faces in the orgasmless abyss of disembodied parts.
In process of releasing anger, letting
go of resentment, letting go of dead dreams I felt the urge to
withdraw from those I am currently close to. I felt it and
communicated to them the space I was in internally. Met with love and
understanding I stayed in connection with those I'm close to. I held
myself in the anxiety, weirdness and desire to flee. Deepening my
relationship with those I love.
So it is with this background in mind
and heart I begin to dive into the dreams I experienced last night.
So vivid and macabre. I had two distinct dreams. The first one I was
on the inside of this entity that was beautiful and graceful and
dark. She hunted people and magically killed them in poetic and
gruesome ways. It was like play for this character watching the
screams and blood splatter from those who's lives this creature
claimed. It was unassuming, kind even in the company of others...
yet always watching and waiting for the smallest mental/emotional
co-manifested agreement to die from those she encountered, whose
lives she wished to take.
Within this character, of my feminine
dark side, there were those whom she really liked. Felt protective
of, mostly women. So the recipients of death were mostly men. Men
whom tried to hurt or take advantage of these girls and woman this
character, I saw through, protected. She hunted them, feeding off
their fear. She walked along at each murder, witnessing their
darkness consume and kill them. She never lifted a blade or weapon,
the way she murdered was to reach inside their minds and project
outward their greatest fear. The more they feared the more real the
projection, she walked in almost a dance, gracefully, eyes locked on
her victims like an apparition, grey, dark and beautiful. I felt her
compassion for the mothers and sisters who were left behind. Blessing
them in a way, so the male of their future ancestors are protected
from again incurring her wrath... protected from harming any women in
her protection.
She was neutral with these murders.
Neither enjoying it nor not enjoying the death stair. What she did
enjoy was the breeze that blew her hair wildly around her face, and
her soft dress in grey spirals around her body. She enjoyed the feel
of her surroundings, the concrete under her feet, the brick wall, a
tree, the water, etc. She enjoyed listening to the heartbeats in a
room hearing them speak truths and lies. Yet, she had this task and
keen sight of murdering those whom harmed the maidens she fiercely
protected.
I suppose upon writing it out, this
villainous monster seems less evil. The vividness of the murders hung
to me with guilt through out the day, and now as I see these words
and understand the aspect asking to be seen in my subconscious I get
this part of myself. The part that has the job of protecting the
innocent, vulnerable maidens. This innocent vulnerable maiden. And
through this dream I believe it's time to re-employee her protective
services in other, less destructive ways which brings her great joy
and aliveness, which turn her greyness from death to creation.
For today a man who has been upsetting
some love fairies I work with contacted me. With love I told him, his
schizoid nature scares some of the love fairies and to please not
contact us any more. This was met with anger and I replied again in
love with firm boundaries and total communication and ownership of
how I and other's I spoke to perceive him. It was not nice to hear,
it was fair and loving and allowed us all to feel safe with clear
boundaries. I felt this aspect within, fearless, keen sighted, yet
loving in her ferocity of character. Strong, confident, caring.
Without destroying or killing this predatory, manipulative man.
HMMMMM
Dream two:
In this dream I moved with my children
to an American city suburb... somewhere on the east coast, suburbs
of Cleveland keeps popping into my head. We lived in a townhouse. It
was old and beautiful in a morose way. We began to settle in. Orion
and Lyra went to this special school that taught magic along side
state curriculum. As October came to us, a group of dark magicians
came after Orion. They wanted his blood. There had been a string of
deaths of students at the school, and I used my white magic to locate
and channel who or what was behind these deaths. They felt me use
this magic and I knew they were targeting Orion next. I begged my
children to stay inside where they were protected with a forcefield
spell. Yet they wouldn't listen. I saw one of the dark magic creature
children stalk Lyra from across our backyard as she lovingly filled
in a grave of one we had berried, yet as the creature went to
attacker her it fell into her light field and and golden glitter with
flowers stunned the child and Lyra went about her way not noticing
her near capture.
Orion however did not have this sort of
protective magic. He had a wooden sword, which he claimed would be
metal when the day came he was strong enough to wield it. I worried
for him. I yelled at them in the dream, ordering them back into the
house. They were both confused yet they listened, they saw the worry
on my face. I could feel the group growing closer.
When inside I told
them to stay inside, bad things were coming and they needed to stay
inside, keep the doors closed. I went upstairs to retrieve magical
bits. I heard a knock on the door, then I heard Orion go to answer
the door. I flew down the stair to the sight of Orion standing in the
doorway, door wide open with this gang of dark magic creature. The
word STOP came shrieking out of me without thought. Orion jumped back
into the living room, eyes fixed on me. I was in between him and the
gang before the sound finished reverberating.
I asked flatly “What do you want with
this household?”
they responded “You know what we want
witch”
“You may not have my son, my blood
flows in his veins, he is beyond your reach.”
“He has his father's blood too, dark
and rich. It is the final key to the hell gate.”
“Be gone from my home and land. I
declare this complete.”
A rush of wind and blurring colours
came swirling in as they were pushed off the stoop of my house and
onto the pavement. “Be gone!” I called again. Wind sweeping my
hair wildly. I slamed the front door. I turned to Orion and held him
close to me, his head in my chest. His eyes wild like mine. My heart
beating so fast, with all I could do to protect him.
I see both death dreams were actually
about protecting what I value. Both young and innocent aspects. Which
correlates to the few interactions I've had with men of my past and
recent predator.
So what I see is the anxiety I feel
with the fear of not being able to protect the ones I love, including
the innocent, vulnerable child within. Yet in both dreams I was more
than powerful, I was the most powerful one in both dreams.
As I type this I feel heat through my
body, especially my torso and abdomen. I feel my body reclaiming the
anger held and turning it into power... into strength. Core strength.
As both what is vulnerable and what is raw power sit within, this
dichotomy feels strange yet empowering. And the need to sit with this
continues.
