Last August I fell in love with a man. When I stood up from the fall I realized I had landed in a whole new world. I had always been deeply sad under shinning smiles. So acknowledging how unhappy I was in my marriage came as no surprise. What unfolded was the surprise, a gift that transformed my life.
Something amazing happened when I fell in love with this man, I fell in love with myself. More and more I saw myself in the mirror and liked who I saw. When I looked into the mirror of his eyes I saw what I liked about myself, and I grew in love with myself and him. Joy exploded from my being with childlike enthusiasm bursting the serious stitches of adult life and restriction. It was as if I began to fall awake from a deep sleep.
When I married my husband 6 years ago I was on my sleeping decent. Impetuously we married the day after meeting. It was beautiful and magical, a choice made from a place inside where I knew I'd be safe while I slept. My marriage was based on trying to wake up, trying to understand, to be present. Therapy after therapy we tried to find a cure for the dis ease of unconscious control. How we hurt one another, cutting deeply into the wounds of our souls making fresh the blood that had dried.
The years leading up to my marriage where riddled with life changing events starting with breaking from my first long relationship and moving from Richmond, VA to New York City. I attended college and worked in the years I lived in that city of cities. Shortly after moving to New York City I spoke to my father for the first time. We spoke for 35 minuets. I called him. My body shook like a leaf on a tree as I stumbled to get the words out of my mouth, to communicate to this stranger on the other end of the phone all my fear, pain, and confusion. The conversation ended with him telling me he would call me soon. It took him a year to call me. I suppose after twenty-two years, one year is soon. When he called me back he wanted to know if I still wanted to meet him. He told me he would be in town in two weeks and would like to meet me. We spoke on the phone every night for two weeks getting to know each other slowly. May twenty-second arrived and we met for the first time face to face. Calling and meeting my father is the scariest thing I have ever chosen to do.
A year after meeting my father I graduated from college with a bachelors degree. My life felt like it was crumbling around me. All the ways I had identified myself disappeared. I was no longer a girl who didn't know or have a father. I was no longer a student. I was no longer employed. I grasped in to the aether for a label or box to identify myself. My hands grasped nothing. Overwhelmed, deeply unhappy, and searching for answers I left the country and headed to Mexico.
This is the point where I met my husband. I felt the strongest connection I had felt in a long time and when he asked me to marry him I knew I had to say yes. So we married the day after meeting and I descended deeper into the darkness of my dream. Escaping from the land of lost identity in hope of saving myself from despair. I found myself in a void, barely able to comprehend the choice I made. Living in a foreign country, newly married and quickly pregnant. There were moments of joy and laughter always over the sadness. My first child was born a month before our first wedding anniversary. My second child two years later. These years seemed to drift by in a haze. One season following the next wet season. Everything I knew about myself gone, I was hopeless to change or recreate myself. I was well and truly broken.
It was the birth of my daughter, my second child, that gifted me the first taste of freedom from my voided prison. The birth was so easy and pleasurable I realized I was really good at something and I wanted to share it. So I became a doula and I began to dance. I have always and will always love to dance. I danced myself alive again, I felt sensations long since forgotten. I felt my heart leap for the first time in years... decades. I danced my way to a camp of dance in a field of love, where I met the man I fell in love with. A Man who held me as I woke up into myself. Who's courageous pursuit of self understanding and gentle nature allowed me the freedom to bloom. It felt as if we held a space for each other, and in that space we held we found something more of ourselves. It all felt and feels destined, this meeting of my soul's old friend which sparked a rapid growth out of the darkness. I have moved through more internal blocks in the last 9 months that I have in the last 15 years, which I take to mean I was ripe and ready to grow. .
I love this man still. Truthfully, I've fallen in love with him all over again. Yet this time I am free and let go completely as I look to the horizon. Like an eager adventurer ready to meet what and whom ever waits on the path ahead. I walk steadily forward knowing for this part of the journey I walk alone with my children to my sides. In confidence and understanding of my power and strength in this dream of creation. For now as I walk I let go, I release the past to the past and walk courageously into unknown territory. I leave behind a husband and string of lovers. I leave behind an absent father and abusive mother. .
I see in the distance my true beloved, present and wholly compatible with all I am. I see a present father and a nurturing mother. I see myself abundant and successful in the whole new world I now live in. In this bright new world I've awoken to.
