Invitation of the lover

My favourite thing to write about is relationship. I've been writing about my relationships for 15 years, and now I'm sharing what I write with all of you. I am vulnerable and raw in my truth and I hope to find myself growing ever increasingly into my courage to share and be authentic in myself and with the world..


This month has been a month of lovers. Every weekend this month I have opened my heart and my body to another. I can hear the judgements of ego disapproving of my actions and in this act of writing and sharing I let those judgements go. I am a lover, an amazing and intuitive lover. Last weekend I met the lover of my lover. We met and embraced and allowed genuine care to move through us. The following day this lover of my lover asked to be my lover. (There's a lot of 'lover' going on in this paragraph....) I don't know if I will be lovers with this women, it's been a long time since I've had a woman lover and I don't know that I'm sexually attracted to women any more, the invitation however has been received and emotionally moves in me. This past weekend I made love for hours to an old lover who I've not seen for a year (maybe longer)... and I learned that I can be guided and I can guide being most vulnerable. I can let go and allow the energy of love to open and expand myself and the other in the sexual flow. The experience was beautiful and very healing as we released a lot of hurt that had passed between us, experiencing our divine selves. My body and emotions are raw and I have so much resistance to sharing this with anyone.. these secret and sacred truths. .
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My closest friend and sister of my soul left yesterday for 2 months. My lover from earlier this month left for a month last weekend and even when he returns he does not live in this country and will be leaving again. My lover of this past weekend will be leaving for 4 months soon and even with him here it's unlikely for us to continue being lovers. This brings me back to my first blog entry “love and letting go”. With the physical impermanence of other I understand my addiction to attachment and am exhilarated in the freedom of non-attachment, of letting go, release. I feel into the boundaries I had set for myself, my comfortability or uncomfortability with sharing my friends and lovers with others and now letting those I love go to follow their soul's journeys and acknowledging myself on my journey. The boundary that had always been there, protecting my heart has disappeared and with the removal of this limitation my heart expands. I am more present to the moment and the bliss of what is, with the understanding that this is the only moment and when it's gone, it's gone. Some times we come together for a bit and then we go on our way. As we come together great healing happens and love expands, when the moment is over and all is let go, love expands again.. 

As a person who has always tended toward jealousy I find this familiar feeling transformed... I feel it come up and gently leave, freeing me to love and be loved authentically. The familiar feeling of longing and missing comes up then gently leaves and I am finding I am enough. .

I am vibrating in my body, enlightened in my heart and clear in my mind. I am scared at the unknown future and I find comfort in the perfection of right now. Being exactly as I am right now. It seems right now, I walk alone down my path and yet I feel so connected, so unalone. I feel safe with in myself to be vulnerable and to express myself truthfully. All I ask is for me to be nice to myself and you (the reflection of me) to be nice to me. So many times my words have cut and hurt those I love including myself, just as so many times the words of others have cut and hurt me. I am more sensitive than the tough display I put on. The armour I have worn is too heavy now and I shed it to reveal the tender, vulnerable me I am. Soft and smooth, graceful and loving, I am here and I welcome you, dear reader, with open arms and a warm smile. I invite you to play with me, to shed your armour and remember your innocence so we can explore the world with curiosity, remembering the infinite joy we are.

The Flower I am 10 July 2011

Morality, what is morality? Is it following what our parents conditioned us to believe, or what society tells us is correct or incorrect? Or is it being in line with myself, whole and complete? Following the ease of what feels congruent with my heart, body and mind. I have found my curiosity again and by following my curiosity to the borderline of my boundaries I find myself vulnerable. Standing in this beautiful, raw space of vulnerability and staying present I experience how courageous I am. I use this experience to courageously exploring what peaks my curiosity, playing on the balance beam of my boundaries and in this game I am finding the shattered pieces of my innocence. I can remember feeling innocent as a child, trusting and safe in my exploration of the world, till fear gripped my heart and my play contracted into a decent of conformity. I remember some of the experiences that chipped away at the peaceful bubble of innocence culminating in a final shattering and loss in my late childhood.
I sit in my bed, comfortable and warm as I type these words into my ageing computer. Functional and working to the best of her ability there are things my computer just can't do any more, she is limited by the wounds of her experience. I can relate to my laptop computer, which I am resistant to replacing for (now) very obvious reasons. Yet how remarkable to be able to take all the knowledge from my current computer and place it into a new body, fresh and capable of performing all the requirements of today. It seems to me in this moment like an expression of the vicissitude of my body and consciousness, my ability to take all I know through this life experience and maybe even the experiences of parallel lives and renew my body to be fresh and capable of what is required of me now.
As once I lost my virginity, now I have gained it back. I hold myself in my safe arms as I explore my world with curious innocence. I reclaiming my power where ever there is fear and I ease into peace and abundance. Grace fills my life and every cell of my being. I can feel myself truly opening to life and life responding in ecstatic celebration. I am grateful for and to all those who have been in my life and all those who have come into my life, who encourage the darling bud of me to grow fully into the flower I am.