This Moon Rising

As I flew back to London from Belfast I watched a blood red moon rise from the horizon. I watched her move up in the sky turning orange then yellow and finally white. On the ground the moon's fullness rising up from red through orange and yellow into white would have been unseen.... I sense an analogy being offered to me, and am not quite attuned enough to fully decipher it's meaning.

The training with Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova was everything I hoped it would be and more. I strongly recommend it to anyone and everyone who is interested http://www.birthintobeing.com/events-a-workshops . I am filled with inspiration for what I would like to create in my life and trust it will all unfold in perfect time. I know practically where I am and the direction I am going in. This is all I need right now. Over the 10 day training I dove into myself, the great microcosmic ocean within. I did in 10days more moving and healing then 5 years of psychotherapy. The insight and clarity I have now is still unfolding as I move through my daily life.

So many emotions have been stirred in me since my return. The greatest gift has been a clarity that has been quite surprising in the way I am experiencing it. The clarity is different than past feelings of clarity. It has come in a way that I can see stories I've created around why I've done what I've done or made the choices I have made. I'm looking at the stories about my life and the people in it and slowly the stories seem to me like just that, stories. The truth is I don't know why I've done a lot of what I've done, a lot of the stories don't really fit any more. I'm clear that I needed those stories to move me in a direction I sensed, on some level, I needed to move in.

A friend told me a story about an experiment Freud did before creating psychotherapy. He and his associates took a woman and hypnotised her to not see a table in the middle of a large room. When she emerged from the altered state they asked her about what she saw in the room... she listed the things and people except for the table. Then they asked her to walk to them, the table being between her and them. The woman walked around the table. When she reached them, they asked her if she noticed how she walked to them and asked her why she walked in a giant loop around the room. She had an answer of course as to why she walked the way she did to them, still unaware of the giant table in the middle of the room.

This is a perfect story to illustrate the clarity I feel. I'm not clear about a story, so I can feel safe. It's the opposite, in a way. It's being totally unsure about a story, or the stories and feeling extremely exposed. The stories are unravelling and with them the emotional ties that have kept me, obsessed or anxious or having to believe... though feeling safe. It's really strange to explain and I hope I'm doing this experience and inner understanding justice with my words.

For years there has been a giant table in the middle of my life that I have not wanted to look at, most of the time being completely unaware of it.  Having very believable stories about sinking into depression or suddenly move house, or marry a man I'd only known for a day, or think about killing myself, or fall in love with another man and ending my marriage, or any of the countless other things I have done, felt or thought. When I would gimps a side of this table it felt so dangerous that I could not fully look, it felt unsafe. So I'd make up a story and walk around the table feeling completely clear and sure about my story and why I was walking this way. Feeling safe. This has worked for me and kept me alive and safe, until now.

One part of the giant table is a chasm of grief that has sat in my life as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would feel it's effects, I remember being depressed on the sofa of after school childcare wondering why I was alive and wanting to die, I was 9 maybe 10. It was just before my birthday.

Since the training with Elena and seeing Amma at Alexandra Palace it's like I've walked into the darkness of an unseen room and up to the giant, chasmic table of grief and put my hands out to explore what I can not see. With my proverbial hands I have felt not wanting to be alive, and instead of it consuming me and pulling me into its lost gravity of grief, I am pulling it. I have more gravity. It is coming out and I can see it for what it is, just a feeling.

I put my hands out again to explore the table and I find worthlessness, unlovableness which has had me scrounging on the floor for scraps from other's tables. Again, I have more gravity and I am pulling it. I can see the stories I've created that have kept me surviving on these scraps and am thankful I have survived. I can see it for what it is, just feelings and stories. 

This table has felt like the scariest monsters my imagination could conceive. Like if I were to see it I would die. This journey I have under gone to see what has previously been unseen, reminds me of the ending scene of the film 'Labyrinth'. Where the protagonist says to antagonist "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me" 

The more of this table my hands explore, the more I am able to see the table, clean the table, and see that it's just a table. That it is has no power except for what power I give it, making it possible for me to see what has always been present. Making it possible for me to sit down at this giant table and have a feast in honour of all that I am. Those I love will sit with me and we will feast on being alive and worthy and loveable and what ever else I find as I search in the darkness for truth.

Scattered Connections

With 5 and half hours till I'm ment to be waking up for my flight to Belfast, and a sink full of dirty dishes to be washed and dried, I find myself sitting on my bed room floor toenails wet and drying with an over whelming desire to write. To write right now, because if I don't write, the change will take over and I won't remember this phase of my transformation. Memory is funny like that.

I've been swinging between my mother wounds and father wounds. One comes up to be released and healed, then the other like perpetual turn style. Again the sexualization of the father came up yesterday. A man (who is my father's age) and I began a conversation and in that conversation decided to merge our chakras. What came up powerfully for me was the longing to feel this love and support, nurturing from my father.... from a father. Where the conversation ended was with him speaking into the idea of us being tantric lovers, and possibly twin flames. To which I must admit I feel disheartened by. The connection was beautiful and I've had similar connections before, though I was not heard when I said this. Further, I slipped into being polite and not feeling able to speak my truth, with the stirred father wound. He insisted this connection was special and unlike any other; all connections are unique and beautiful and I often hear the amazement and wonder and desire from men (and some women) who energetically merge and connect with me. The question of who I am that they feel the way they do... I don't know who I am to them... perhaps simply a reflection. I find it curious and wonder about who I am. When I slide into quiet my answer comes, love. I am love. This is not unique or different from any other soul in existence, I simply express myself as I do which is unique to me.

Tonight a friend of mine randomly... or synchronisely....brought up the draco's. Then said “You're on you're journey of Love, God is a aware of you and shows you signs, symbols and synochronicities in you're everyday life. You already know this. The Universe speaks to you through people at the right time. You are being brave working through personal darkness and issues (which we all have). I'm a medium and have mentioned the Dracos because you will eventually come up against them in you're work towards the light”

I don't know how, but in some way these two experiences are connected. It seems like after so many years of putting together the sychronisities after the whole series of experiences have happened, I am able to now understand slowly what is being communicated to me. Though I'm still not sure at this moment, I just know to keep my eyes open, love, and trust myself completely.

These last two weeks have been life changing. The 27^th I could not sleep I would slip into altered space, a realm between awake and asleep, and dream while awake in my bed. I was stirred out of that by a growing headache and by the seventh time I became aware of the pain I had a full migraine. I went down and took a bath. I lit a candle and began to soak. Almost immediately a fear came up, I recognized this feeling and said “Ok I feel fear”. At that moment the candle went out. The fear tripled, and almost in panic I stopped took a breath and said to myself, “Ok I have a choice to make. I can do what I've always done, run away, or I can say yes to the fear” So I said yes to the fear and I loved the fear and the fear disappeared. I then fell into a space with in and with out. At first I saw light coming from my body in my periphery vision. Then my vision expanded and I could see all this light, spheres of light in me. I could feel my body safe and allowed myself to let go into this experience. I was inside and outside myself, it was all myself. I can't quite relate my experience in full, it's too much for my mind to digest. At some point I was stirred out of my trance by the sound of a rooster, the sky was still dark, then an owl responded. That got my attention. It happened 7 times and after the 7^th time the slightest bit of light was discernible from the window. My migraine was completely gone, I got out of the bath and went straight to sleep, deeply and soundly.

As I type this the owl who responded to the rooster is calling outside my window and a plastic bottle just popped which made my heart jump and tingle. Something is moving... in me outside of me... something is moving. This is where it gets really fun... today I heard something which sheds light on the irrational fear I've felt these past couple days. “The ego perceives change like death.” I'm not just changing, I'm transforming at rapid speeds. A year ago I was a shadow of who I am now. Once again with speed I am changing only when I stand on the other side of change will I see what has changed. One part of what is moving in me is I am learning how to direct my wonderful light and create myself wholly positive. I am remembering experientially who I am.

Hey maybe I'll become a superhero and get to battle giant dragons!!! Maybe all the superhero dreams I've had were preparation. He he he... who knows! Anything is possible.... right? Again and again this word dragon comes up in my awareness, I'm actually excited to see what manifests. What ever it is, it in line with my growth to freedom.

It's so nice to be blogging again... I've missed this space.  Love to you all.