With 5 and half hours till I'm ment to be waking up for my flight to Belfast, and a sink full of dirty dishes to be washed and dried, I find myself sitting on my bed room floor toenails wet and drying with an over whelming desire to write. To write right now, because if I don't write, the change will take over and I won't remember this phase of my transformation. Memory is funny like that.
I've been swinging between my mother wounds and father wounds. One comes up to be released and healed, then the other like perpetual turn style. Again the sexualization of the father came up yesterday. A man (who is my father's age) and I began a conversation and in that conversation decided to merge our chakras. What came up powerfully for me was the longing to feel this love and support, nurturing from my father.... from a father. Where the conversation ended was with him speaking into the idea of us being tantric lovers, and possibly twin flames. To which I must admit I feel disheartened by. The connection was beautiful and I've had similar connections before, though I was not heard when I said this. Further, I slipped into being polite and not feeling able to speak my truth, with the stirred father wound. He insisted this connection was special and unlike any other; all connections are unique and beautiful and I often hear the amazement and wonder and desire from men (and some women) who energetically merge and connect with me. The question of who I am that they feel the way they do... I don't know who I am to them... perhaps simply a reflection. I find it curious and wonder about who I am. When I slide into quiet my answer comes, love. I am love. This is not unique or different from any other soul in existence, I simply express myself as I do which is unique to me.
Tonight a friend of mine randomly... or synchronisely....brought up the draco's. Then said “You're on you're journey of Love, God is a aware of you and shows you signs, symbols and synochronicities in you're everyday life. You already know this. The Universe speaks to you through people at the right time. You are being brave working through personal darkness and issues (which we all have). I'm a medium and have mentioned the Dracos because you will eventually come up against them in you're work towards the light”
I don't know how, but in some way these two experiences are connected. It seems like after so many years of putting together the sychronisities after the whole series of experiences have happened, I am able to now understand slowly what is being communicated to me. Though I'm still not sure at this moment, I just know to keep my eyes open, love, and trust myself completely.
These last two weeks have been life changing. The 27th I could not sleep I would slip into altered space, a realm between awake and asleep, and dream while awake in my bed. I was stirred out of that by a growing headache and by the seventh time I became aware of the pain I had a full migraine. I went down and took a bath. I lit a candle and began to soak. Almost immediately a fear came up, I recognized this feeling and said “Ok I feel fear”. At that moment the candle went out. The fear tripled, and almost in panic I stopped took a breath and said to myself, “Ok I have a choice to make. I can do what I've always done, run away, or I can say yes to the fear” So I said yes to the fear and I loved the fear and the fear disappeared. I then fell into a space with in and with out. At first I saw light coming from my body in my periphery vision. Then my vision expanded and I could see all this light, spheres of light in me. I could feel my body safe and allowed myself to let go into this experience. I was inside and outside myself, it was all myself. I can't quite relate my experience in full, it's too much for my mind to digest. At some point I was stirred out of my trance by the sound of a rooster, the sky was still dark, then an owl responded. That got my attention. It happened 7 times and after the 7th time the slightest bit of light was discernible from the window. My migraine was completely gone, I got out of the bath and went straight to sleep, deeply and soundly.
As I type this the owl who responded to the rooster is calling outside my window and a plastic bottle just popped which made my heart jump and tingle. Something is moving... in me outside of me... something is moving. This is where it gets really fun... today I heard something which sheds light on the irrational fear I've felt these past couple days. “The ego perceives change like death.” I'm not just changing, I'm transforming at rapid speeds. A year ago I was a shadow of who I am now. Once again with speed I am changing only when I stand on the other side of change will I see what has changed. One part of what is moving in me is I am learning how to direct my wonderful light and create myself wholly positive. I am remembering experientially who I am.
Hey maybe I'll become a superhero and get to battle giant dragons!!! Maybe all the superhero dreams I've had were preparation. He he he... who knows! Anything is possible.... right? Again and again this word dragon comes up in my awareness, I'm actually excited to see what manifests. What ever it is, it in line with my growth to freedom.
It's so nice to be blogging again... I've missed this space. Love to you all.
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