This Moon Rising

As I flew back to London from Belfast I watched a blood red moon rise from the horizon. I watched her move up in the sky turning orange then yellow and finally white. On the ground the moon's fullness rising up from red through orange and yellow into white would have been unseen.... I sense an analogy being offered to me, and am not quite attuned enough to fully decipher it's meaning.

The training with Elena Tonetti-Vladimirova was everything I hoped it would be and more. I strongly recommend it to anyone and everyone who is interested http://www.birthintobeing.com/events-a-workshops . I am filled with inspiration for what I would like to create in my life and trust it will all unfold in perfect time. I know practically where I am and the direction I am going in. This is all I need right now. Over the 10 day training I dove into myself, the great microcosmic ocean within. I did in 10days more moving and healing then 5 years of psychotherapy. The insight and clarity I have now is still unfolding as I move through my daily life.

So many emotions have been stirred in me since my return. The greatest gift has been a clarity that has been quite surprising in the way I am experiencing it. The clarity is different than past feelings of clarity. It has come in a way that I can see stories I've created around why I've done what I've done or made the choices I have made. I'm looking at the stories about my life and the people in it and slowly the stories seem to me like just that, stories. The truth is I don't know why I've done a lot of what I've done, a lot of the stories don't really fit any more. I'm clear that I needed those stories to move me in a direction I sensed, on some level, I needed to move in.

A friend told me a story about an experiment Freud did before creating psychotherapy. He and his associates took a woman and hypnotised her to not see a table in the middle of a large room. When she emerged from the altered state they asked her about what she saw in the room... she listed the things and people except for the table. Then they asked her to walk to them, the table being between her and them. The woman walked around the table. When she reached them, they asked her if she noticed how she walked to them and asked her why she walked in a giant loop around the room. She had an answer of course as to why she walked the way she did to them, still unaware of the giant table in the middle of the room.

This is a perfect story to illustrate the clarity I feel. I'm not clear about a story, so I can feel safe. It's the opposite, in a way. It's being totally unsure about a story, or the stories and feeling extremely exposed. The stories are unravelling and with them the emotional ties that have kept me, obsessed or anxious or having to believe... though feeling safe. It's really strange to explain and I hope I'm doing this experience and inner understanding justice with my words.

For years there has been a giant table in the middle of my life that I have not wanted to look at, most of the time being completely unaware of it.  Having very believable stories about sinking into depression or suddenly move house, or marry a man I'd only known for a day, or think about killing myself, or fall in love with another man and ending my marriage, or any of the countless other things I have done, felt or thought. When I would gimps a side of this table it felt so dangerous that I could not fully look, it felt unsafe. So I'd make up a story and walk around the table feeling completely clear and sure about my story and why I was walking this way. Feeling safe. This has worked for me and kept me alive and safe, until now.

One part of the giant table is a chasm of grief that has sat in my life as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would feel it's effects, I remember being depressed on the sofa of after school childcare wondering why I was alive and wanting to die, I was 9 maybe 10. It was just before my birthday.

Since the training with Elena and seeing Amma at Alexandra Palace it's like I've walked into the darkness of an unseen room and up to the giant, chasmic table of grief and put my hands out to explore what I can not see. With my proverbial hands I have felt not wanting to be alive, and instead of it consuming me and pulling me into its lost gravity of grief, I am pulling it. I have more gravity. It is coming out and I can see it for what it is, just a feeling.

I put my hands out again to explore the table and I find worthlessness, unlovableness which has had me scrounging on the floor for scraps from other's tables. Again, I have more gravity and I am pulling it. I can see the stories I've created that have kept me surviving on these scraps and am thankful I have survived. I can see it for what it is, just feelings and stories. 

This table has felt like the scariest monsters my imagination could conceive. Like if I were to see it I would die. This journey I have under gone to see what has previously been unseen, reminds me of the ending scene of the film 'Labyrinth'. Where the protagonist says to antagonist "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me" 

The more of this table my hands explore, the more I am able to see the table, clean the table, and see that it's just a table. That it is has no power except for what power I give it, making it possible for me to see what has always been present. Making it possible for me to sit down at this giant table and have a feast in honour of all that I am. Those I love will sit with me and we will feast on being alive and worthy and loveable and what ever else I find as I search in the darkness for truth.