OMG! (yes OM My Goddess)!
It has been so long since I last wrote on my computer, to all you amazing wonderful people who have read and will read my words of self discovery and transparency of who I am. As I look back over the entries, both here and in my paper journals I clearly see the theme of romance and my longing for men....ultimately for my father. After my long adventures in Thailand and California, I feel a shift from my focus being on, ‘in love with some man’ to ‘being happy and whole in myself and the work I offer in this world’. The axis of my world is shifting and there is no going back.
How I would like to tell you of my journeys and every time I sit to write something new has happened, so I am just writing and will interweave the tales of my travels here and as I continue to write to you all.
My marriage officially ended on Beltane, May 1st 2012 which synchronised with the day I began assisting my teacher, Elena Tonetti-Vladimerova as she trained a new group of apprentices. The experience of assisting was magical. I played with being totally me, totally transparent, and full of the loving joy that bursts and flows and trickles out of me. I played with the questions of “how big is too big?” “If show all of me big and small, will I still be accepted and loved?” “can I let go of wanting my father to show up for me and accept everything as it has been and is?”
Along my journey I experienced answers to these questions and found new questions. The most amazing experience answer happened once I returned home. The answer to a question I last asked in December. In a flood of despair and tears I blurted out to God(dess) “I just want to be happy, how do I do that?” Genuinely happy, from the inside, not the mask of joy. Here is the answer I received in through my journey.
Since I returned back to the UK June 6th, Venus transit, all my attachments have been challenged. My attachments to: living with my children, my right to care for my children, having a physical home to live in, money coming in, and knowing what to do or how to fix these perceived losses. The first thing I did was cry, I mean sob for 2 ½ hours while I danced on the 5 rhythms dance floor, in Chalk Farm. I felt like something inside me was dying. I moved the emotions in my body and let them go, let them leave. Then I grew clear that this really fucking bugged me (as I had been bitten quite badly at night where I was sleeping) and I didn’t like it, I simply accepted this. Joy returned to my heart and I centred myself in peace. I allowed the universe to guide me through my friends, to a good place to stay while I allow something more permanent to manifest.
[I’d like to be clear about my beliefs on manifesting. It is both me manifesting and allowing what I experience and others who come forward with the mutual benefit of what is being created between us. I take responsibility for my part and send gratitude for their part and love both of us. perceived good and bad alike. Ultimately the universe is always listening and providing what we ask for. The clearer the channel and question, the clearer the response.]
So in this physical space of ‘not having’ what I previously believed I needed, I am genuinely happy. I have stayed happy and centred and shared my joy with everybody.. freely. So Happiness isn’t about having something, even as dear as being home with my children. It’s a feeling that is inside, just like peace and it’s always there regardless of anything outside of self. What I am even more clear about is, I like and enjoy living with my kids and being supported with them. I like and enjoy supporting others, especially children! I like and enjoy having a stable home and comfortable bed. I like and enjoy having lots of money!
There is enough of everything.
By letting go of the things I identified myself with, I feel free to fully express me. To live transparently and in integrity with my set of values, while respecting and honouring those around me. This was fully made real when I crashed my car. In a single moment I found myself spun around in the middle of a cross roads, shaken and in shock and completely safe, unharmed. The front of my car was completely smashed. The guy in the big Land Rover (which seemed unharmed) was concerned and very kind, we even hugged before parting. He helped me out of my car and his friend then happened to show up and helped my car out of the middle of the cross roads. I am aware of how two men in big Land Roving trucks helped me, and how receptive of their help I was. I sat in the grass on the side of the country lane and felt the ground under me, touching the soil with my hands. I pulled at the tall grass and cursed and released the anger that arose. Tears streamed out of my eyes and I stayed totally present with the shock I felt, as I exchanged information with the person who I ran into, then accepted a ride with the friend, to my friends a short distance away.
That evening was beautiful and I was taken care of by my friend and her husband. They kept beautiful company and I was graciously received. It was wonderful to just be as I was, and be transparent and vulnerable and speak honestly. To listen to them and respond clearly. I am abundantly grateful to them for their kindness and for the friends I have, new ones and old ones alike. I feel truly blessed and am letting go more and more of the idea, I have to do it alone. I am growing more comfortable with knowing I can ask for help when I need it, and be available to receiving it. I am settling into the community I have around me (here and globally), and finding my place.
here comes a song....•♪♫• Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold. A circle’s round it has no end, and that’s how long I will be your friend.•♪♫•
I stayed at theirs over night, in the morning, I called the insurance company to be told there is nothing they can do about it. The woman on the phone apologized for 2 minutes straight, even when I said “It’s not your fault, it’s the insurance company, they’re just evil. I hope you have a really nice day.” All she could say was “I’m sorry”. I guess I needed to hear that a couple hundred times. My friend and I drove out to my car, left broken on the side of the road. I pushed the parts that hung on the ground up, and drove my car back home.... slowly. I felt shame rise up as I drove then the hurried desire to just be where I was going as I turned the last corner to the village I live in. How I saw patterns run within me. The presence, attention and love I gave to myself moved the emotions and shifted the patterns out, and patience grew.
That evening at sunset I sat in the garden and ‘I want to die’ came out in my thoughts. I gave it my loving attention and asked myself “Do you want to die?” I asked all the parts of me and heard ‘no’ from my body, ‘no’ from my heart, ‘I want to go home’ from my spirit. So I said “Go home, then” Cool energy flooded my heart and flowed down my arms. “That’s it!” an epiphany and a whole stream of images from my life passed before my inner eye. “I choose to be Alive, and Fully Thrive.” hot energy moved up from the earth through my feet up my legs as cool energy flowed down my scalp moving in spirals up and down my body culminating in my heart and out my arms. My body vibrated and glowed. “I choose to be Alive, and Fully Thrive.” Deep breaths as I settled into the intensity. I had never really 100% in alignment made that choice. Now I have.
In this experience I let go of my car, the scrap man is coming around to pick it up and will give me £150 to take care of my car. I let go of the part of me that wanted to die, and moved in love and life.
This is only part of all that has happened since my return, the story continues with even more magic and shifting free....... more to follow soon <3
