New Skin

“Because they are so intimately connected with our basic desires for love and security, relationships quickly bring up our innermost feelings and for that reason they are extremely valuable, no matter whether the relationship is classified as good or bad.

It is necessary to remind ourselves that feelings are programs; that is, they are learned reactions that have a purpose and that purpose is directly related to achieving some end in the form of some effect on another person’s feelings and, by doing so, to manipulate their behaviour toward us and fulfil our own inner goals.

Let us look at the common emotional reactions and examine what their real purpose is. None of these to be described have anything to do with love, for love is a state of oneness with another. It is not an emotion that comes and goes. What passes for love in popular understanding is merely attachment, dependency and possessiveness.

As we shall see, all emotions toward others involve the basic belief that we are incomplete within ourselves and, therefore, others are exploited and viewed as means to an end. Although we may not be able to actually use the other person in the way we would like to, the utilization of the other person still occurs on the level of fantasy and expectation. We also discover that much of what we experience in a relationship is happening in our imagination only”    -- Happy Relationships excerpt

I totally understand lost and desperate feelings. The urge to cling to new relationships to fill in the holes left by the removal of the structure of an old relationship. I even ask myself if I'm doing this with my beloved and the answer is in part, yes. And I have this resolve within me to stand on my own feet. To really stand in my power, to turn over and prepare the ground that held the old structure for a totally new construction... or no construction at all.

I've been wanting to be ready to have a relationship with my beloved for so long, that I've tried to skip over the 'bad' part and get to the 'good' part. It now feels like the impatience has waned. I am more in touch with what is going on with me and actually wanting to feel the separation and divorce from my husband. To feel the absence and emptiness. I can feel the pull between hurry, just getting on with my life, and being where I am, present, letting go of All the unlove feelings I've been holding which leave me unavailable to start or be in a new relationship. Something is settling with the knowledge that if my beloved and I are going to be together, then we will, in the natural time of things. If we're not going to be together as a couple, then I've gained a wonderful and special friend and that too is a precious gift. Either way I feel blessed to have him in my life. He has been valuable in bringing up my innermost feelings.

Yesterday, old skin, that blistered at the field of love, came off. Underneath it new skin is there. It's slightly pink, and softer than the skin around it, and more sensitive. I forgot about the blisters on my pinky fingers. The pain and the memory of the pain left me weeks ago. So seeing the white dead skin ready to come off came as a surprise. This synchronizes with being notified that all my divorce paperwork is in the courts and the final stages are weeks away. With the revealing of new skin I see how tender it is and I see myself reflected in my skin. I posed the question, am I ready for a new relationship? I came to a yes answer in a previous blog... and now I feel different. I feel compassion for the soft, tender, sensitive, newness of myself in my life. I see where I'm letting go and where I'm afraid to let go. Where I'm grasping to fill the holes left by the ruins of my marriage.

I'm more aware of my attachments, dependency and possessiveness. I know I am capable of the love that is being in a state of oneness with another. I experienced this with my beloved this summer. The truth is since I've been home, that love slips into attachment and possessiveness. It started for me at tribal earth. So this tells me I am not ready.

I am ready to divorce from my marriage. I am ready to stand on my own and feel the aloneness that has terrified me since childhood. I am ready to love and support myself. I'd like to feel the space between relationships, as I know I will have a new, loving, romantic relationship one day. My impatience for 'getting to the good part' is replaced by accepting where I am and all that has happened. In fact this feels like the 'good part', even with the churning of emotions and fluctuating clarity. Through each wave of unknowing, I come out the other side more me and more present.

Today I saw a pattern. I spoke to three men all of whom: have (or had) romantic feelings for me, are fathers, are unavailable, and all want to be my good friend. (I do believe I am trying to tell myself something). So I looked at my relationship with my father whom I met when I was 22. A deep well of grief came up that felt like I would drown if I let it go. I dialled my guru and she helped me let it go, deeper and deeper grief poured out of me till I saw myself as a small child with an imagined father. A completely unavailable man, absent. I knew my father loved me, that must be true, but he was no where. I had no father figure who stayed around, the closest male to relate to was my older brother and he was unavailable too.

So I learned to relate to men by watching my mom. I learned to flirt and flaunt. I learned how to stir their sex to get their attention and get my needs met. Now I find this confusing. I don't want to stir my father's sex, I want to relate to him in a different way, but how? Solution! I found a father here. I've have a daughter/ father relationship with a man in this country, we met at the field of love last year. We speak on the phone and see each other every now and again. I'm starting to feel how I can relate to a man in a whole and healthy way. To feel attractive and beautiful without stirring sexual impulse. This separation between love and sex with men is where a deep confusion lies within me. With awareness and experience this heals. I am entirely grateful for my English dad.

My clarity is, I am experiencing what masculine paternal relating is. I also have a good guy friend who I have no sexual energy with me, so with him I am experiencing what masculine platonic relating is. (I have experienced this once before over a decade ago and he died.. the ultimate unavailable) With these experiences I can go back to the relationship with my beloved and the other men and be clear about relating to them. I am collecting the experiences I need to make boundaries that are appropriate with each of them and all men.

I am not available to the man I have called my beloved (or him to me). So it feels untrue to call him this. I am available to myself, right now. This is where my heart and energy is. With myself and with my children. I still have romantic feelings for him and love him, this stays the same. When I find within myself what I am seeking, (and he finds what he needs) then we will see what is there between us. Until then I will find another way to refer to him if I continue to include him my writing.