I spoke to a good friend today and she told me what her experience has been through out my marriage, the decline of my marriage and how I have been with this new man. Her words rang true in my ears. She said:
When I got married it was a whirl wind, and my husband was really messed up and I wasn't too far off that myself. I got pregnant very quickly and proceeded to spend the next 5 years working really hard on the relationship or recovering from working really hard on the relationship. She saw how there was never any enjoying of the relationship. I was tired and I didn't want to work so hard any more and she watched as the marriage fell apart after the birth of my second child. What romantic love was there had been worked to death and transformed into a different type of love. When I met the man, who I wrote about in my last blog, I began to shift my focus from working on “the relationship” to myself. I found the path to my freedom and it synchronized with meeting this man. My friend remarked how she has heard about how we have enjoyed each other then gone apart, countless times. If I'd like to form a relationship with this man (and he with me) that I (we)would need to find a balance between enjoyment and working on the relationship.
The question for myself is 'Am I ready to work on another relationship?' or am I still enjoying just having me to focus on? I'm scared of the idea of the all consuming work I 'just' got out of. (it's been a year) I like spending time with me and my kids and my beloved.... do I really have to work at more!? That being said (I say with a worried brow), I like the way my beloved and I communicate. It's clear and we say really uncomfortable truths to each other, which is met with understanding and love. It seems to deepen our connection with each authentic exchange. So if this is how I 'work' on the relationship with him, my answer is yes (emphatically) I am ready to enjoy and work striking a balance inwardly and outwardly.
He stated to me in one of our conversations that a person he respects (quite a bit) said there should be a 2 year gap after ending a big relationship. I've got 1 year under the belt and I find myself contemplating moving into another. I really respect and value my beloved's perspective. When any of us spend time with someone we love and respect we pick up subtle nuances. Like Tim's shoulder wiggle.... the 5 rhythm's dance teacher who I spoke of in a blog wiggles his shoulder sometimes when he speaks... you can tell when people have been spending time with Tim when they start wiggling their shoulder. I'm like this with my beloved. I noticed myself two days ago doing this head slide thing that he does, so my body shows me how I feel and the importance of my loyalty to all of him.... So do I think I should wait another year before thinking about entering into a new relationship?
I need to move slowly. Little steps. I'd really like to continue to enjoy what is here with this man and I. I'd like to see him more, and see how this effects my life. If it feels good or bad. If I am more abundant or overwhelmed. I'd like to wade into the ocean of the relationship, step by step, till one day I am swimming. If it feels good to swim in the ocean of our relationship then we can build a boat together and sail these seas in our relating ship... now, first, I need to just feel the waters on my feet and legs. As I feel the waters moving up to my thighs, I like it and I feel the fear of the tide going out. I want control of the seas, I want to feel safe with the water lapping at my thighs knowing I can experience this as long as I choose. So I surrender. I surrender to the control and fear and let them wash away with the tides. There is no controlling the ocean (in spite of what conspiracy theorists say... at least not until one is self realized... and I'm not yet) So I surrender.
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