See-saw of Duality

Public, private. Honest, lie. Love, obsession. Disapproving, approving. Uncontrollable, control. Survival, safety...... The line between opposites is where I sit, as an imagined marble rolling back and forth along the see-saw of duality. Discerning where I am, who I am, what is really going on with me, how I really feel.

I've noticed in my blog entries I'm consistently not sure if I want to be sharing with you, my reader, the personal experiences that I have always kept private. At this point I am choosing to share with you, to feel what is stirred in me by standing naked before you. It pushes me to be honest with myself, and see myself. If I don't tell anyone the secrets of my inner world after time I start lying to myself. Telling myself I didn't really feel this way or I lessen my experience, and no one knows. By bringing myself to the public eye I hold myself accountable and take responsibility for my life and my experience. The good and bad alike. I take responsibility and I ask myself “where in(side) did I create this?” 

Today has been a remarkable day: the rain stopped so I could walk where I needed to dry, there was a beautiful sunset, Orion and Lyra stopped being destructive and listened and went to bed on time with no arguing, Orion ate a large handful of rocket! I had a beautiful afternoon with my beloved and it was platonic and that felt good. I saw how much I wanted his approval and how I've been wanting to be with him (romantically) more than I've wanted my freedom (that is a self realized state of being). I saw how I've been disapproving of my children and protecting them with fear. I experienced how discernment and making a choice leads to positive action and immediate results. I released the disapproval and gave myself, my children and my beloved approval (but only right now that I realized I've been disapproving of him too). I see how when I disapprove of someone they push at me and feel angry or not sure or uncomfortable. 

Writing this blog has made and makes me feel uncomfortable. I read them and it's like “these are some of my deepest thoughts and feeling and fuck here they are for everyone to read!” So right now I'm going to discern about why I really write this blog and why I feel uncomfortable about it. I disapprove of myself for a lot of what I think, feel and do. I beat myself up calling myself strange and weird, too intense, and dramatic. I want you to give me feed back so I can feel justified in how I think, feel and what I do. Knowing that approval come from within I can let go of disapproving of myself and give myself approval. NEXT. I want to be honest with myself and not lie or hide any more, so I use this as a way to hold myself accountable (as I've said a couple paragraphs ago so it must be true) I'm trying to control myself by using the accountability of others. If I feel that out of control with myself then I'm giving my power away. Maybe that's why I feel tired. So, I can just be in control of myself, now. NEXT. I write this blog because I've always wanted to write a blog and have no idea what to write about and I love writing about myself. I rather like that. 

I think I will continue to write this blog, charting my growth for myself in a way that allows you to follow me if you choose. Especially, as I have received so many responses about how it has helped others who relate to my feelings and experience. I think I may tame it down a bit and keep some things sacred in my heart, by sharing them with the appropriate person(s). This is the last bit of discernment for right now:
I've been afraid to tell my truth to the people who I have written about in my entries. I've been afraid of their response. Of them taking their love away from me. The reality is I've been pushing them away in fear. Using fear to protect me and fear doesn't protect me or anyone. I've been using this forum as a way to grow in courageousness by writing my truth then asking them to read it (or them finding it). I can see this now. It seems today I've shifted and am now sharing with you my personal process. I stand in my power and take responsibility for my life, all that has gone right and wrong. I see how what has gone right and wrong have lead me to this empowered point and it all feels aligned and good. 

I see how self centric I am in my life and would like to continue to use this forum to be that fully. This way I can be more present to those I love and hear and support them better. I can hold myself accountable and let go of needing you, my wonderful readers. Lastly, I really like how it is becoming easier and easier to write a blog page. I get faster and clearer with each blog I write and I think this may be great practice for one day writing a book. Gosh, I love discernment and clarity. Even when it's not completely clear. This entry is like being under water and looking up to the surface, as you get closer to the surface you can see what's on top. When you're right under the surface things are clearly what they are and still a bit blurry.