Field of love

As July turned over into August I gathered myself, my things and my children, packed up the car and drove to 'The field of love. It's a 10 day intimacy, love, 5 rhythms dance, community camp. This was my second year going to this camp in Suffolk run by Tim Broughton. My experience was better this year, deeper and less intense. I felt able to come out of my protective shell and authentically show up more in a consistent day to day way.

I turned up with a large tent that required two people to put it up which challenged my hidden feelings of “I have to do it all myself” and “asking for help makes me weak”. Those feelings make being a single mother of two young children hard. So it seems fitting that I created a situation (right off the bat) which demanded me to ask for help. I turned up with all my resistance and the desire to let it go and began my process the moment my car found it's parking space. It took me a long time to get my tent up and I managed to avoid asking for help and only able to accept help that was offered. I observed myself in this initial dance of arriving in community from the land of boxed individuals.

Part of opening into my more authentic self was being really honest about wanting to be accepted, wanting to be liked. This feeling was most prevalent with those who I felt rejected by the year previous. So I chose to be in the circle (the place where we gathered to eat and speak in a smaller group) with a friend who is also a mother and the challenge for me was being triggered by seeing myself in her and staying present and loving her. I was successful in this and her, her husband and her child all touched me profoundly deep. I also found myself waiting for the arrival of another friend, a wood-be romance of the previous year. I was curious about what would happen, how it would be between us.

Those first days at the camp stirred up so much in me I wondered why I was there and I wanted to run. Run as fast as I could away. Pack up all my stuff and go back home. So instead of running away, I simply ran as fast as I could, pushing my body faster over the ground, through the fields through the woods to find myself, unintentionally, back where I started. Confused and feeling a bit lighter I ran the circuit again and again. The escapist energy in my body was exercised out and what was left was my raw emotions. I walk the circuit with a good friend and we spoke about how we felt. He listened to me and I listened to him. He inspired in me courage, understanding and honesty. That night I spoke with my wood-be beloved with courage, understanding and honesty which transformed my experience.

I fell in love with him, again, in a new way. It felt raw and vulnerable and joyful and gentle. I fell in love with myself in a way I never have before, truly accepting the parts of myself I had found weak or I disapproved of. I felt bliss in moments that I have often thrown away like waking in the morning a seeing him sleeping next me, watching the light and shadows dance on his skin. My heart was filled with joy and peace. I found myself so completely in each moment that every time a moment ended I thought to myself, “If this is it. If this is all that is. It is enough. I am happy.” Then the next moment came and the next, the fear that 'he would leave and this was the last moment' disappeared. I settled into the peace of him really being there, of choosing to stay, of choosing me and my children. Simultaneously, my fear of showing up disappeared and I found myself choosing to be present for myself, my children, for my friends, for him. By him being present and authentic with me, I found myself feeling safe, held and able to be present.

In the past I ran away from feelings as strong as I have, I ran away from the feelings and the men I felt them for. In fear that they could and would hurt me. So I loved a little safer, I took smaller risks. Now I'm not running away, I'm open and my welcome sign is on: bright, neon, flashing “WELCOME: please be gentle”. My heart has expanded bigger. I have found a new experience in my body, my heart, and my mind which is cautious with the tales of the past and yet surrenders to the peace that laps over me in waves of love. I feel so well loved.

By the end of the camp I was asking for help and at peace with those who said no and grateful to/ for those who said yes. My responsibility to my children began to transform from a burden into a treasure. My heart found the space to love deeply with courage and trust.... and surrender. I now feel able to be present in my life, and accept myself wholly which includes being honest about how I feel and taking each present moment as a gift. I still feel anxiety when I try to figure out what will happen in the future or wanting a construct to feel safe, then I remember my experience at the Field of Love and I settle into the perfect peace of where I am.