Pieces of Peace in the Dark

There is a change within me. Something subtle yet unmistakably different. An awareness of a change within me that is in line with, or preceding, a change that is happening outside of me. For months I have been aware of this process of saying goodbye to places and memories, that have not had closure for me from the last 5 years and beyond. Awareness of places within me where I have been hanging on to something... mostly pain. With this awareness comes a sense of peace. The lost feelings have a chance and space to be, which allows closure. Allows them to find their peace and place in the wholeness of my being.

With the adventure of life before me, I feel like I am ready to engage in it. Not from a place of angst, where I have to go, or do, because if I don't I'll die.... no. From a place of curiosity and a gentle knowing that life can be, and is, better than what I have created as of yet. Both fear and excitement flop around in me like clothes in a tumble dryer, and with breath both subside and courage is just there.

I started this blog, so I could be honest with myself by sharing my understanding of my inner world with others. With you. Hold myself accountable and take responsibility. What has happened has been so much greater. My fear of being me in the world is subsiding and I have found acceptance of myself being in this world. I judge myself less.

It feels like the end of this year and the beginning of next year have a theme of goodbyes. Divorce, moving to a different part of the UK, letting go of some friends.... And I understand that these goodbyes allow for new beginnings. A space to create bliss and peace, to move closer to other friends, meet new friends, grow my work, and allow relationships in all areas that are truly nourishing. So I'm stepping up to the mourning of what has passed and what is passing, giving thanks for all.  I'm curious about what is to come and totally unsure about exactly how it will look, or exactly who will be apart of my life. There are some knowns, and a whole lot more unknowns. That is the adventure of life and I'm ready to journey along it from a place of personal power and self knowing.

I have purged myself in the fire of pain and fear, and now I can grow a different way, with pleasure and love and lots and lots of breath. The impatience of getting to the finish line is waning, and anxiety of not knowing the future eases as I let go of feeling so out of control... those old childhood feelings. I see that I am in control as I pick up the remote control of life, and start using it. Uncomfortable in the unfamiliar-ness of this experience, I am shedding and growing in solid ways. Something that feels sustainable, held, safe. I am experiencing the world in new and enjoyable ways, where I feel more empowered than ever before... and without force.

I had always tried to push and force my way in the world... it never worked very well, as there was a lot of resistance. Now it's like, I can just be within myself and choose what is best for me and the world lines up to allow it to happen. There's no pushing or force needed. That's not to say I feel no push or force... I just now understand when I'm feeling that, there's old stuff to be released and that's not the direction I want to being moving in, it's something in me that is asking to be cleaned up or let go of.

The last couple dark months can be summed up by Lady Gaga.

“I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight

I'm gonna marry the dark
Gonna make love to this dark
I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I am a winner”