Unknown knowing of love

I guess I needed the finish line of the absolute ending of my marriage to finally be able to honestly look at what is under the anger, the hurt, the sadness. Over the last year when I sat in peace and reflected on my marriage I felt acceptance with the coming finality of divorce.

Now, I sit in peace and reflection and I see how in the last year of separation I felt more supported by my husband than I did in our marriage. I am so grateful to be who I am, right now and he is a part of my journey. I keep thinking, if I had felt this freedom and support with our children in our marriage, would I not have felt so passionate about getting out? Feeling trapped and unsupported in being who I am and the loss of my passion for life, killed me inside. I felt resentful and that lead to rejection and the loss of intimate passion between us. We worked so hard on our marriage. I worked so hard to support him, to see him succeed. When I tried to do the same for myself, I felt undermined. I suppose in the end I just wanted to know beyond it all that he really loved me and what I found was empty words. I could see and feel the love he held, but I didn't see it in his actions and honestly after a life of being let down by the men in my life; it's the actions that I experience as more real than any words.

It seemed while married I couldn't make friends. I tried and it just didn't work which was strange for me as I've always been a person to make friends easily. I kept choosing him, over the new people I'd meet... until I didn't. Until I chose something different. It wasn't as simple as another man I chose to stay friends with, it was the inspiration I felt from the friendship, from the love. I chose the person I felt inside me that woke up and wanted to stay, wanted to grow. The person who felt crushed under the weight of our marriage. The surreal part in this portion of the story is this beloved friend's words didn't meet his actions either. He would not say he loved me, he would even reject me with his words. Yet his actions always showed me that he cared and loved me. His words would push me away and his actions would draw me in. I experienced him showing up for me when I needed him, and he continues to do so in our friendship.

In this whole part of the story, I now understand what I wish in a romantic relationship. For me, it is having a dear friend who's actions and words are congruent in their love and support of one other AND having an intimate, sexual and passionate relationship. It's this combination that is the stuff romance is made of. It's what inspires a man to play with the woman he loves, because seeing her face light up and watching her fill up with love makes his being soar. Knowing he must protect her by loving her with all of his resources; this is how I love and what I wish to see in the mirror of my beloved.

Over the weekend I lead a workshop that I magnificently held and I experienced the beginning mastery of a healing art. If I could have myself, the person I am, and my marriage I would. If I could have shed all the stuff that kept me from seeing and being the person I am, while married, I would have. However, it turned out that I couldn't and now the dead line is approaching and it seems like it's over. I wish to be consistent and not cause any further heartache or confusion so I write here to see if I can become completely clear about my choice. I don't know if I'm just afraid of not being married any more; of it being completely over.

I would like my words and actions to grow trust and communication between me and my almost-ex-husband. However, I think to myself, “It's too late, it's all too ruined now” and then I think “It's not over till it's over. It's not the end till it's the end.” I never wished to hurt him in any way, and I am deeply sorry that my actions did cause hurt. I can and am letting go of the guilt and shame that hurting him created in me, it does not serve any of us to carry this in my heart and body. I know what ever happens, I will grow from this experience and be even better for it now I have the ability to thrive, no matter what. I don't know if we could make it work. If what either of us wants is to be together in a marriage. I can see he loves me, and I love him and I sit here and I wonder is that enough.

Is love enough for a marriage to survive?

Do our visions of the future match up? Do our values align? It always felt like a constant compromise instead of a willing collaboration. Could that change? Or is what I'd like to do with my life and how I'd like to live it not compatible with what he'd like to do with his life and how he'd like to live it?

What I know: I love him. I love him and will always love him, nothing will change that. I care for him deeply and am grateful everyday that he came into my life and asked me to marry him. I have no idea what the future holds and I'm excited and curious to experience it unfold. I'm afraid to totally let go of his hand and I have to let go. Our separation and divorce is sad and life changing and freeing. A part of me loves the story that starts like ours and is salvaged just when all seems lost....... and I'm a sucker for a good 'romance' story.

See, I don't know if that's what all the parts of my being really want, because I don't know if he could really man up with me. I need a strong man by my side who can really be a man and love me like a man loves a woman. I know I push hard because that's how I know it's steady to walk there, that's how I know I can open up and let go.

After I wrote this, I listened. I listened to my breath, my heart, the wind and weather. I decided to take my children out for dinner. To have fun with them, enjoy ourselves and I listened. As I listened, they listened. I just allowed myself to be where I was and stay open. I wondered at it all. My best friend called and we spoke, I relayed to her my steadiness with all that is going on within me and whatever happens I feel accepting and at peace with the outcome. Still I wondered. At the end of the meal the manager gave me a discount coupon and asked if he would see us again. He said I could bring my partner and when I made a comment indicating I don't have a partner he said I could eat with him. Then as we were walking out the door a lover called. The manager followed us to the door, and said goodbye. As I got my children in the car I looked up and saw the moon, Venus and Jupiter all aligned. My intuition, my heart and my mind, all aligned. An understanding that it's all alright and everything is as it aught to be passed through me. Still in the face of not knowing, I feel calm and in my ease.