Surrender

'I call out his name, the name of my lover. In an embrace of passion, I call out his name again and again, till his name falls off the edge of my mind and all I can say is “oh my God.... my God.... my God” I find myself in prayer, calling out. In a moment my lover embodies the masculine divine, my God. I am making love with my God.... and then I surrender. I feel him penetrate me, I judder in the ecstasy of surrender and I feel him penetrate through me, up, piercing my heart, up, to my crown and I take all of him in me as I surrender even more. For a moment we are one within my consciousness before I remember we have two bodies and his is separate from mine. Melting out from a moment in total love into, I am love, into I am loved, I experience union and separation.'

I couldn't find the words to tell him of my experience as I felt the wetness of my body and the awe of my heart. Joy bubbled from me as my mouth spread into an uncontrollable smile. That night I had intense energy running through my body. I awoke in the night twice, feeling waves of immense heat moving through me. This strange magnetic flux resonated in my chest, through my arms and down through my legs. It was intense and I found I could handle it, that it felt good as long as I stayed in a state of surrender. I asked silently “what is this?” a reply came “life force energy”. I fell asleep and dreamt I was our skin and the space in between. I woke again some time before dawn, I watched the light of dawn change the colour of the curtains. When the sun rose I fell asleep slipping into a dream about connected vehicles.

I don't know if I'm in love with my lover or God (whom I see and feel in him). Or if I'm in love with myself or the divine within myself that I feel when in his presence. Maybe all of the above. I do know that I love him, deeply, and when around him I feel joy and bliss, peace.... even before we became lovers. It is as if he has been specially create for my pleasure and awakening. I wonder what he would experience if he surrendered in the same way to me.

Never have I loved a man with so much trust, even after inflicting hurt. So fluid and natural forgiveness flows from me in response to open communication and his ownership of his part in what ever happened. He owns his stuff, meets me where I am and I feel held. I have so much gratitude for all the experiences I have had with my beloved. It seems to me that each experience has laid its self out in a set order to enable the next experience to happen. Like an unfolding lotus each petal lays foundation and lends support to the next. I couldn't have experienced the intense pleasure I had on Monday morning a year ago or even in May, I would have just felt pain with all the intensity. I am shedding the fear within me and with it my resistance to him, to life, to love.

I see all the upset that has transpired over this last year as the stepping stones to my freedom. Now, I don't need pain to bring awareness. I can be aware and surrender into happiness, into love, into ecstasy. If everything I have experienced with my beloved in the month of August is all I'll ever have with him, just this month in joy; then it is enough and I am happy. I know more of what I'm capable of feeling and being in relation with my beloved, I am gaining understanding of all I can give to a man I love and all I can receive. I would adore continuing this exploration with this wonderful man.

There is a loyalty, to him, deep within my self that I can not fully comprehend. It defies any logic I try to ascribe to it. It seems it's this loyalty that plays to a fantasy of marriage and children with him and that is not what I want right now, it's just a fantasy. A fantasy which throws me into panic and I can feel the resistance and push against being with him. I slip into worry that I'll sabotage what goodness is there between us. Guilt, that I sincerely desire this with a man who is not my husband, while divorcing a man who used to be my husband.

Then I remember who I am and I know what ever happens is perfect. Whether it is with this man, who is my current beloved, or with another. I will be ready for an easy, fulfilling, committed relationship one day and it will be with someone who is able to be present with me and hold me and I him, like I have experienced with this man whom I so adore. Each time I've seen him this month the experience gets better and better. If this is the trend then we both have much to look forward to.

I am grateful to the tenses of these paragraphs for helping me to communicate this experience and all it means to me. How limited words are as a means to express the complexities and simplicities of the inner world, and I feel I have communicated it well today. Thank you for reading and sharing with me something so sacred and special. I was unsure if I wanted to share this, and chose to as this experience is some how less about sex and more about my relationship with God, the masculine.

Namaste.